Sweep: The Random Parodies
by nofurylikewiccansscorned
Summary: A multitude of humorous stories featuring our favorite coven, Kithic. Experience extreme wackiness in a series of funny, random hence the title and completely pointless parodies! We finally updated! Praise us!
1. The Wrath of Cal

The Wrath of Cal  
  
[Scene: the bench outside Widow's Vale High School. Morgan, Bree,  
Robbie, Raven, Alisa, Jenna, Sharon, Ethan, and Killian are sitting  
there. Hunter comes running up to them, out of breath.]  
  
HUNTER: I – I – I ... *collapses on the ground, unconscious*  
MORGAN: Uh ... Hunter?  
KILLIAN: *relieved* Ah, finally! Thought that smarmy bloke would never  
leave!  
RAVEN: He just got here.  
KILLIAN: So?  
JENNA: What do you think he was trying to tell us?  
ETHAN: Um ... I dunno.  
ROBBIE: Maybe he wanted to propose to Morgan.  
BREE: *shakes head in disgust* Robbie, you are so thick. *pause* I  
mean that in the nicest way possible.  
ROBBIE: I love you.  
BREE: I love you, too.  
*insert makeout session*  
MORGAN: Okay, Robbie and Bree are out. We still have to figure out  
what he wanted to tell us.  
SHARON: We should try to wake him up.  
KILLIAN: Do we have to?  
MORGAN: *considers* Well, maybe not. He does look rather sexy when  
he's sleeping.  
ALISA: I think we should ask him what he wanted to tell us.  
MORGAN: Ah, keep out of this, midget.  
ALISA: *tearfully* Waaaah! *runs off crying*  
*Hunter wakes up*  
MORGAN: Hunter, are you okay?  
HUNTER: I was faking it! *almost crying* None of you care about me!  
MORGAN: Uh ... we were faking it, too.  
HUNTER: *cheerfully* Oh, well, that's all fine and dandy, then.  
JENNA: So what were you going to tell us?  
HUNTER: Huh? Oh, yeah! *dramatically* There's a ghost on the loose!  
*silence*  
MATT: Huh?  
MORGAN: Where?  
RAVEN: There?  
JENNA: No, over there.  
HUNTER: *irritated* Shut up, you ponces! Monsters are on the loose at  
Widow's Vale High School!  
RAVEN: Of course there are. Have you met my calc teacher?  
HUNTER: *points* Is that your calc teacher?  
*he points to an evil demony thingie. In short, a swirling mass of  
ghosty-ness*  
RAVEN: They might be related. I can see the family resemblance. *comes  
to her senses* Oh ... my ... goddess!  
MORGAN: *gaping stupidly* What is that?  
CAL'S VOICE: *eerily* Mooooorgan ...  
MORGAN: I know that voice ... who was it ... I can't ... remember ...  
CAL'S VOICE: IT'S CAL, YOU IDIOT!  
MORGAN: *brightly* Oh, right, that's it! *does a double take*  
CAL?!?!?!  
HUNTER: *disgusted* Cal.  
CAL'S VOICE: That's right, dear brother!  
HUNTER: Technically, we're only half-brothers.  
CAL'S VOICE: *irritated pause* So what? I'm going to destroy you and  
your coven! Feel the wrath of the pissed off ghost!  
MORGAN: You can't do this!  
CAL'S VOICE: Oh, yeah? Says you! Watch and learn, meager mortals!  
*the school building explodes*  
RAVEN: Huh ... that's a new development.  
ETHAN: Does this mean we get out of school early?  
KILLIAN: Hey, something's coming towards us – aah!  
*knocked unconscious by an unidentified flying object*  
MORGAN: *disgusted* What is that?  
RAVEN: It appears to be Alisa's disembodied arm.  
JENNA: She must have been caught in the explosion.  
RAVEN: Hey, you think my calc teacher was?  
SHARON: Alisa's dead ...  
*moment of silence*  
MORGAN: Ah, well.  
ETHAN: She was a little annoying.  
CAL'S VOICE: HEY! STOP IGNORING ME! I'M AN EVIL DEMONIC GHOST, AND  
YOU'RE ALL IGNORING ME!  
MORGAN: *quickly* Sorry.  
JENNA: Sorry.  
SHARON: Sorry, Cal.  
HUNTER: Don't apologize to him! He's an evil ghost, remember?  
MORGAN: Don't insult Cal!  
HUNTER: I thought you were over him!  
MORGAN: *trapped* Uh ...  
CAL'S VOICE: Aww, I knew you still loved me.  
HUNTER: *now righteously pissed off* Okay! That's it! You're going  
down!  
CAL'S VOICE: We'll see about that.  
*insert cheesy Matrix rip-off scene with cheesy battle music*  
*Hunter lies on the ground, panting and bleeding. Cal is victorious*  
HUNTER: *in a high-pitched girlie voice* You're ... so ... mean!  
MORGAN: Are you okay, sweetie?  
HUNTER/CAL'S VOICE: I'm fine.  
HUNTER/CAL'S VOICE: *pause* She wasn't talking to you!  
HUNTER/CAL'S VOICE: *another pause* Oh, yeah? Bring it on!  
*insert Jackie Chan imitation. Needless to say, Hunter gets his ass  
kicked*  
MORGAN: *cries softly in the background*  
*Killian sits up*  
KILLIAN: CAN'T A MAN GET A DECENT SLEEP AROUND HERE??? YOU'RE ... ALL ...  
PISSING ... ME ... OFF!!!  
HUNTER: Bloody hell.  
CAL'S VOICE: Uh-oh.  
*Killian shoots witch fire. All are killed. Cal's ghost disappears.  
Morgan is still alive*  
MORGAN: *confused* Why didn't I die?  
KILLIAN: *shrugs* The Bible says thou shalt respect thy family.  
MORGAN: I thought you didn't believe in the Bible.  
KILLIAN: I don't.  
MORGAN: Okay.  
*long pause*  
*the ghosts of Raven, Hunter, Jenna, Ethan, and Sharon arise*  
JENNA: Are we dead?  
SHARON: I think so.  
ETHAN: *pause* Cool.  
JENNA: *sobs* I don't wanna be dead! I never got to make up with Matt!  
  
RAVEN: I never got to make up with Sky!  
SHARON: I never got to tell Ethan ... that I ... *sobs* loved him!  
ETHAN: Thanks.  
HUNTER: *sobbing* I miss Morgan! *sees her* Oh, never mind.  
*Morgan and Killian watch them in stunned disbelief*  
MORGAN: Are you guys ghosts?  
SHARON: I think so.  
MORGAN: *thinks, then considers* That's cool. Good for you. Blessed  
be.  
*the ghosts float off happily into the netherworld*  
KILLIAN: *pause* So ... wanna go take over the world?  
MORGAN: Sure. Let's go! Can we call Father first?  
KILLIAN: Sure. *sending a witch message* Oh, Da ...  
CIARAN: *teleports into the lawn and sees the destruction of the  
school* Wow. I hope I won't have to separate you kids.  
MORGAN: It wasn't us. Cal did it.  
CIARAN: Oh. *pause* Wanna take over the world now?  
MORGAN/KILLIAN: Sure!  
*they all teleport out of the school*  
*Bree and Robbie emerge from their makeout session and note the  
demolition around them*  
BREE: *pause* I think we missed something.  
  
Fin 


	2. Dagda Saves The Day

Disclaimer: This story follows a different timeline than "The Wrath of  
Cal", as will all subsequent stories. Therefore, the fact that the  
entire coven died in the last chapter has no bearing on this story  
whatsoever. We just didn't feel like taking up unnecessary space on  
the fanfiction.net browser because it's already down quite often. So  
enjoy and REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! Oh, and by the way, the animal voices  
can only be heard by other animals. Therefore, the humans do not  
respond to the animals' voices.  
  
Summary: An outing at a cat competition turns ugly when Dagda is  
forced to fight a scheming feline that will do anything to win.  
  
Dagda Saves the Day  
  
[Scene: Morgan's bedroom. She walks inside and closes the door behind  
her. Dagda sits on her bed, his paws folded primly in front of him.]  
  
MORGAN: *cheerful* Hi, Dagda! *in a baby voice* How is my widdle kitty  
wittie? HOW IS MY WIDDLE KITTY WITTIE?  
*Dagda looks scornfully at her*  
DAGDA: What a loser.  
MORGAN: *doing her homework* Hey, Dag, do you know what president  
secretly sponsored the Bay of Pigs invasion?  
DAGDA: Yes.  
MORGAN: Do you know how to find the trigonometric ratios of an acute  
triangle if one side length and one angle measure are known?  
DAGDA: Yes.  
MORGAN: Do you know how to French braid?  
DAGDA: I was teased about it in school, but, once again, yes.  
MORGAN: *not having heard anything he said* Aw, what am I saying?  
You're too cute to know anything like that! *scratches his ears as  
Dagda shudders*  
DAGDA: Oh, the humiliation! You know, if the felines were running the  
world, things would be a lot better. People like you would be jailed.  
And then executed.  
*the doorbell rings*  
MORGAN: I'll get it!  
DAGDA: *quickly* No, no, please, let me!  
*he races off down the stairs and sees Aunt Eileen and Paula*  
DAGDA: Merciful Bastet! Someone's come to rescue me from Morgan!  
*he leaps up into Paula's arms*  
PAULA: Dagda sure is friendly. *in a baby voice* Is ooh a nice kitty?  
IS OOH A NICE KITTY?  
DAGDA: *trying to claw his way out* Goddess, not you, too!  
MORGAN: *coming down the stairs* Isn't he cute? *in a baby voice* Is  
Dag a cute kitty? IS DAG A CUTE KITTY?  
DAGDA: *to Aunt Eileen* Save me.  
AUNT EILEEN: Morgan, we wanted to ask if you would be interested in  
entering Dagda in a cat competition that Paula's clinic is sponsoring.  
  
DAGDA: *horrified* CAT COMPETITION?  
MORGAN: Well ...  
DAGDA: *even more horrified* CAT COMPETITION??  
AUNT EILEEN: It's this weekend in Red Kill. Little Dagda here could  
win so easily.  
DAGDA: *horrified beyond comprehension* CAT COMPETITION????????????  
PAULA: It should be fun.  
DAGDA: It will not be fun!  
AUNT EILEEN: He could even win a ribbon.  
DAGDA: I don't want a ribbon!  
AUNT EILEEN: Plus, it would just be so darn cute. *in a baby voice*  
Wouldn't it be cute? WOULDN'T IT BE CUTE?  
DAGDA: Okay, this is the last time I'm going to say this! I AM NOT  
ENTERING A CAT COMPETITION!  
  
[Scene: the cat competition.]  
  
DAGDA: I can't believe I'm entered in a cat competition.  
MORGAN: *brushing his fur* Oh, come on, Dag. Put on a happy face.  
This'll be fun.  
DAGDA: Easy for you to say. You're not the one parading around naked  
in front of a bunch of judges.  
*a sexy female cat walks by, wagging her tail at Dagda. Dagda's eyes  
widen*  
DAGDA: Glorious Aphrodite! Come to me, my precious!  
*he starts to go after her. Morgan, oblivious as always, continues to  
brush his fur while humming serenely under her breath. A cat next to  
Dagda, also being groomed by his owner, speaks up*  
CAT: *in a Mexican accent* Oh, chico, I would not follow her.  
DAGDA: Who are you? And what's a Mexican cat doing in this  
competition?  
CAT: My cousin is a Chihuahua. He is in the canine contest next door.  
I still would not follow her, chico.  
DAGDA: Why?  
CAT: She is dangerous, that one. I've seen her lead three cats into  
that litter box *motions one in the corner* and they haven't ever come  
out.  
DAGDA: *considers* What are you, crazy? Of course I'm going to follow  
her! Look at that chick ... by which I mean extremely attractive cat,  
not poultry.  
CAT: I like chicken.  
DAGDA: That's nice. Leave me alone. *goes to follow the sexy white  
cat*  
MORGAN: Dagda! Come back here! I'm not done brushing you yet!  
DAGDA: Yes, you are!  
MORGAN: *sends a witch message* Hunter, I'm bored. Come here so we can  
make out.  
HUNTER: *by return message* Okie dokie. I'll be there in a jiff.  
*meanwhile, Dagda is following the sexy white cat. He pokes his head  
inside the litter box and watches as the sexy white cat blasts a  
marmalade tabby with cat fire that shoots from her paws*  
DAGDA: *gives pitiful, frightened meow*  
SEXY WHITE CAT: *turns to look at him, grinning like its Cheshire  
relative* Who's next?  
DAGDA: *gives pitiful, frightened meow*  
SEXY WHITE CAT: You're a lot cuter than the last one.  
*sends a burst of cat fire at Dagda. Our favorite feline hero dodges  
it and hides behind a clump of litter*  
DAGDA: Why are you doing this?  
SEXY WHITE CAT: To eliminate the competition. I want to win that  
trophy.  
DAGDA: Actually, it's just a ribbon.  
SEXY WHITE CAT: *disappointed* Damn ... *shrugs it off* Ah, well.  
*shoots another blast of cat fire at Dagda, who dodges again. The fire  
clears the litter box restraints and hits a girl in the crowd. She  
falls over*  
DAGDA: Hey! That was Mary K!  
SEXY WHITE CAT: *pointedly not caring* So?  
DAGDA: She was the only one who never talked baby talk to me!  
*unleashes the sheer force of his kitty power and attacks the  
conniving white bitch cat. She goes down under his feline fury.  
Unfortunately, so does the whole crowd*  
DAGDA: *triumphantly* Hahahahaha! Take that! Who da man? Who da man?  
Who da man? Who yo daddy? Who yo daddy? *pause* What was I doing?  
*trots off back to Morgan, who glares sternly at him*  
MORGAN: Dagda, what have I told you about unleashing the sheer force  
of your kitty power on innocent victims?  
HUNTER: *walks up* Hi, Morgan.  
DAGDA: Oh, great, it's Mr. I've-Got-A-Stick-Up-My-Ass-The-Size-Of-  
London.  
HUNTER: Thanks for your message. Sky and Raven were driving me crazy  
at home.  
MORGAN: What do you mean?  
HUNTER: Let's just say ... I never knew Sky was so vocal.  
MORGAN: Too much information.  
DAGDA: *interested* So tell me more.  
HUNTER: *looks around at all of the dead bodies* Um, what happened  
here, might I ask?  
MORGAN: Dagda unleashed the sheer force of his kitty power on innocent  
victims.  
HUNTER: Bad kitty.  
DAGDA: But did you see the way I kicked her ass? *Morgan and Hunter  
are too busy making out to notice Dagda* Hey! Guys! I kicked her ass!  
I deserve a ribbon here!  
*the same cat that Dagda was talking to before looks at him*  
CAT: I like chicken.  
DAGDA: If I give you chicken, will you shut up?  
*quickly proving that he is much more adept at magick than any blood  
witch (cough), he transfigures with a wave of his paw a bit of kitty  
food into a large meal of KFC chicken, complete with biscuits,  
coleslaw, and a medium Pepsi. He and the Mexican cat dig in* *Dagda  
realizes something*  
DAGDA: Hey, didn't you say something about a dog competition next  
door?  
*the door to the competition area breaks down as five hundred canines  
of all shapes and sizes hurtle through it, invariably drawn to the  
smell of chicken. Dagda and the Mexican cat look at each other and  
take off screaming*  
DAGDA / CAT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Once Again, Fin 


	3. Crazy Insane Psycho Giggling Squirrels

Disclaimer: We didn't really feel like writing Alisa in. Oh, yeah, and  
the semi-insane character Mike is based on a friend of ours. He's a  
funny guy. Love ya lots, Mike! And, if you couldn't tell, there's a  
reference in here to everyone's favorite Pokemon battle team. One of  
us insisted on putting it in while the other had doubts, but the pouty  
lip won in the end. Yay!  
Crazy Insane Psycho Giggling Squirrels  
  
[Scene: the courtyard outside Widow's Vale High School. It's raining.  
Things are wet. The gang is sitting on the benches, getting wet. Did  
we mention that it's wet?]  
  
MORGAN: It's wet today.  
BREE: I concur.  
*Hunter and Sky walk up*  
HUNTER: It's wet.  
ROBBIE: Yeah. *beat* It IS wet.  
SKY: You want to move inside? As people sometimes do when it's  
raining?  
RAVEN: *dreamily* Whatever you say, baby ... *catches herself,  
embarrassed* Oh, um, yeah. I think we should.  
*they walk inside the building towards their basement hangout.*  
*inside the basement hangout, they see a large, blonde, shaggy-haired  
guy dressed in black*  
HUNTER: Who are you?  
GUY: *sits for a minute, staring into space* Mike.  
MORGAN: So ... Mike ... why are you here?  
MIKE: It's dark.  
*pause*  
MORGAN: Good enough for me.  
RAVEN: So you like the dark?  
MIKE: Yes. I find that it is my friend.  
SHARON: Your friend, huh? *turns to the others* I think this guy is  
crazy.  
RAVEN: I like him!  
SKY: To what extent?  
*uncomfortable silence*  
HUNTER: So ...  
JENNA: *perky* I like pudding!  
MIKE: *eerily* So do I.  
MORGAN: Okay, who IS this guy?  
MIKE: I am Mike.  
MORGAN: Yeah, Mike who?  
MIKE: Just Mike. Dark Mike.  
*the bell rings*  
ROBBIE: Okay, um, time to get to class.  
ETHAN: Aren't you coming, Mike?  
MIKE: I don't do people. They're not dark enough.  
HUNTER: Oooookay ...  
*the next day, the gang troops down to the basement hangout to find  
Mike still sitting there. The same happens the next day. They look  
confused*  
MORGAN: Oh, my God! Do you EVER go home?  
MIKE: Sometimes.  
HUNTER: When did you get here?  
MIKE: I'm always here.  
*creeped out silence*  
BREE: Why were you here so early?  
MIKE: To do things.  
ROBBIE: What things?  
MIKE: Dark things.  
SHARON: Oooookay ... I still think this guy is crazy.  
RAVEN: I still like him!  
MIKE: *gets up and walks out of the door*  
MORGAN: Where are you going?  
MIKE: Everywhere. And nowhere.  
*he leaves. Silence ensues once more*  
SKY: Okay, all of this cryptic crap is pissing me off! Who is this  
guy?  
ROBBIE: Maybe he's with the CIA.  
BREE: Maybe he's an escaped convict.  
ETHAN: Maybe he's a vampire from the dark abysses of the fabled black  
vortex.  
SHARON: Maybe he's a pastry chef on assignment from Emeril.  
MORGAN: Maybe he's the reincarnation of Genghis Khan. Or Kurt Cobaine.  
  
HUNTER: Maybe he's a wandering gypsy dancer.  
RAVEN: Maybe he's single ... *gets looks from everyone* I can keep my  
options open, can't I?  
SKY: *shortly* No.  
RAVEN: *looks depressed*  
*the bell rings. Again*  
MORGAN: Okay, if anyone sees Mike during the day, keep an eye on him.  
I want to know everything about this guy.  
HUNTER: Why?  
MORGAN: Because he creeps me out! I get a bad feeling from him.  
HUNTER: *relieved* Oh. That's why.  
MORGAN: *looks at him and shakes her head with a sigh*  
*that night, the gang walks outside to the power sink in the old  
Methodist cemetery*  
MORGAN: *stops suddenly* Wait! What are we doing here?  
ROBBIE: Plot device.  
BREE: That, or we're inescapably drawn to said power sink like puppets  
on a string, as we so often seem to be.  
MORGAN: Oh.  
JENNA: *pointing to a thing in the distance* Hey, isn't that Mike?  
*they all look. Hunter looks closer*  
HUNTER: I think so.  
SKY: *lets out enraged growl at the sight of him*  
RAVEN: What's with you?  
SKY: I want to know what he's doing.  
*Hunter, Sky, and Morgan all head over to see what he's doing. The  
rest stay behind, listening*  
SKY: *from far away* Is that a goat?  
HUNTER: *from far away* It appears to be.  
MORGAN: *from far away* Well, what's he doing with – AAAAHHHHH!!!! OH,  
MY GODDESS! OH, MY GODDESS! THE POOR GOAT! MY EYES! MY EYES!  
MIKE: *from far away* Now that the bleu cheese is in place – eat, my  
pretty, eat! – we can finally continue with ... *sinisterly* the dark  
plan!  
TWO OTHER VOICES: *from far away, commenting on Mike's statement*  
Yeah. Uh-huh. Sounds good.  
*we then see what Mike is doing: he and two girls, a blonde and a  
brunette, are force-feeding bleu cheese to a goat*  
MIKE: So. *to the blonde* Lindsey, did you bring the dark CD player?  
LINDSEY: Yep-a-doodles.  
MIKE: *to the brunette* Kristin, got our dark ritual music?  
KRISTIN: Yeppers.  
MIKE: Okay. Now ... *ominously* let's ... par-tay!  
*they do a synchronized dance number to "Simple and Clean" by Utada  
Hikaru*  
MORGAN: Uh ... *they approach them slowly* I'm going to interrupt this  
several-years-old-but-still-catchy pop song to ask, who are you guys?  
MIKE: I'm Mike. I like the dark.  
SKY: Yeah, dumbass, we got that already. Who are these people?  
*motions Kristin and Lindsey*  
KRISTIN: Well, since you asked ...  
LINDSEY: To bring the world to devastation!  
KRISTIN: To destroy all covens within our nation!  
LINDSEY: To denounce the evils of truth and love!  
KRISTIN: To extend our reach to the Goddess above!  
LINDSEY: Lindsey!  
KRISTIN: Kristin!  
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: Coven Amyranth blast off at the speed of light!  
Surrender now or prepare to fight!  
MIKE: That's right.  
*stunned silence*  
HUNTER: Uh ...  
MORGAN: Oooookay ...  
SKY: Yeeeah ...  
*the others come over*  
RAVEN: We heard the song.  
JENNA: It was very stupid.  
MORGAN: So you guys are part of Amyranth? *gets nods from the three of  
them* *considers* That's cool! What cell?  
MIKE: Ghetto of LA.  
RAVEN: Hey, I've been there!  
*everyone looks confused*  
SKY: What were you doing in the ghetto of LA?  
RAVEN: It was the only place I could find those specialty handcuffs  
that you wanted.  
SKY: *mortified silence*  
ROBBIE / ETHAN: *mouths hanging open, imagining all of their fantasies  
coming true, receiving slaps from their respective girlfriends*  
MORGAN: *quickly, seeing her boyfriend about to fall under Sky and  
Raven's spell of the lesbians* Okay, so, what's this dark ritual  
you're planning on doing? Because, you know ... dark magick's not cool.  
MIKE: Well, you see, it all started during the Middle Ages ...  
*to purposefully illustrate Mike's tale, the scene fades to a pretty  
countryside meadow*  
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: There was a group of tribal squirrels, you see.  
*a squirrel hops onto the screen, nibbling on an acorn merrily. It is  
followed by about fifty million of its kind, all nibbling on acorns*  
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: These squirrels had been pushed out of their  
territorial homes by the king of England's men, who wanted to build a  
grand palace over the squirrels' holy acorn gathering spot.  
Understandably, this made the squirrels very sad*  
*the squirrels droop and look sad*  
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: But, these weren't any ordinary squirrels. These  
were ... *dramatic pause* mutant dark ninja rodent warlord squirrels!  
*the squirrels change from their cute and cuddly exteriors to  
hardcore, evil, dark exteriors. They now brandish swords, shields, and  
magickal staffs, with chains of bird skulls around their necks,  
chipmunk fangs adorning their weapons, and guinea pig claws  
brandishing their helmets. They glare in all their horrible no-longer-  
cute evilness at the camera*  
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: They took the medieval world by storm. They  
plundered villages, spared no prisoners, and even managed to shape the  
world's first A-bomb out of walnut shells and photonucleic  
biomolecules.  
*a gang of dark squirrels watch as a mushroom cloud explodes over a  
medieval city. They cheer*  
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: So that is the story of the dark warrior squirrels.  
*flash back to the cemetery*  
MORGAN: While that story was very entertaining and not at all  
disturbing, what does that have to do with your dark ritual?  
MIKE: Well, you see, my dark friends and I have been planning to  
resurrect the dark warrior squirrels so that they can help us darkly  
take over the world.  
HUNTER: I'm pretty sure that goes against council regulations.  
MIKE: Do I care?  
SKY: Don't talk to Hunter like that!  
LINDSEY: Don't talk to Mike like that!  
RAVEN: Don't talk to Sky like that!  
KRISTIN: Don't talk to Lindsey like that!  
MORGAN: *interrupting them* Okay, this could go on for days.  
HUNTER: I'm sorry, Mike, but I'm going to have to ask you to stop your  
ritual.  
MIKE: Ah, see, that's not a possibility. The dark warlord squirrels  
are already on their way.  
*as if on cue, the thunderings of tiny feet can be heard approaching  
the cemetery. The coven turns in shock to see approximately fifty  
million squirrels cresting the hill and racing towards them in a  
rodent frenzy*  
MORGAN: Hot damn.  
*the squirrels attack. Strangely enough, only Hunter is killed. Then  
the squirrels incinerate in a deadly fire that wipes out the entire  
town*  
*the coven looks around them in surprise*  
BREE: Wow. That didn't take long.  
JENNA: *checking her watch* About 30 seconds.  
MIKE: Well, this has been darkly pleasant and we'd love to chat, but  
we have another dark ritual scheduled for home in the ghetto in a few  
hours. Gotta run.  
MORGAN: Okay! Bye!  
ROBBIE: Don't forget to write!  
SHARON: Keep in touch!  
*Mike, Kristin, and Lindsey teleport out of the cemetery. The gang  
looks at each other*  
MORGAN: *whining* Why haven't I learned teleportation yet?  
BREE: Hey, who wants to get some pizza?  
ROBBIE: Sure. *he, Bree, Jenna, Sharon, and Ethan leave*  
SKY: Hey, Raven, you DID find those handcuffs, right?  
RAVEN: *getting her meaning* Hell, yeah.  
*they leave*  
*Morgan is now alone in the cemetery*  
MORGAN: Hey ... they all left me! *she finally realizes that she is in  
the middle of a cemetery ... at night ... all alone* AAAAAAAHHHHHH!  
*a zombie squirrel pops up out of the ground and eats her as the wet  
rain starts once again. Thus ends the life of the Woodbane princess*  
  
DAS ENDE 


	4. Morgan and the Shrink

Disclaimer: Hi, guys. Let's see how many stories like this we can  
write before you get bored of us and run us out of the country with  
pitchforks!  
  
Morgan and the Shrink  
  
[Scene: the living room of the Rowlands house. Morgan walks in through  
the front door and sees her parents, who look grim.]  
  
MORGAN: Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! *sees their less-than-happy expressions* Um,  
what happened?  
MRS. ROWLANDS: Morgan, how do you explain this? *holds up a book  
entitled "The Idiot's Guide to Wicca and Witchcraft"*  
MORGAN: *caught* Um ...  
MR. ROWLANDS: Now, Morgan, sweetie, you know that we only want what's  
best for you. And, clearly, this obsession with Wicca isn't best for  
you. Your mother and I feel that it would be best for you to give up  
Wicca and come rejoin the Catholic Church.  
MORGAN: *horrified* WHAT?  
MRS. ROWLANDS: Morgan, becoming a devoted servant of God is the only  
way that you will achieve true happiness and everlasting existence in  
heaven. You must respect the members of the church and the one god  
that we worship!  
CHURCH MISSIONARY: *through the open door* Have you accepted Jesus  
Christ as your lord and personal savior?  
MRS. ROWLANDS: Can't you see we're having a conversation, dumbass?  
*slams the door in the missionary's face*  
MORGAN: Well, Mom, now that you've proved yourself a true hypocrite,  
what are you going to do to me if I won't quit Wicca?  
MR. ROWLANDS: We've discussed it thoroughly, honey, and we think it's  
best that you see a psychologist. Someone that can help you sort  
through your inner turmoil and get back on the path to religious  
righteousness.  
MORGAN: *horrified scream* NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
*on Saturday, Morgan heads over to Hunter's house for the coven's  
weekly circle. Hunter opens the door*  
HUNTER: Oh, hello, Morgan! Come in!  
*they walk into the living room, where the circle is being set up*  
BREE: Hi, Morgan! Help us set up the snack table!  
MORGAN: *eyes the table of watercress sandwiches, scones, and crumpets  
distastefully*  
BREE: Yeah, it's not the best selection, but hey, Hunter's British.  
It's all he had.  
ROBBIE: Okay, everyone, come on. It's time to start.  
*the coven stands in a circular pattern, ready to start the circle*  
HUNTER: Okay, I thought that, this week, we could do a spell to help  
us solve our personal problems. Can everyone think of a problem that  
they would like help solving?  
BREE: *glaring at Robbie* Robbie won't sleep with me because he's mad  
that I flirted with those guys in New York.  
ROBBIE: *glaring at Bree* Bree won't sleep with me because she's mad  
that I flirted with those girls in New York.  
RAVEN: *glaring at Sky* Sky won't sleep with me because she thinks I'm  
in love with Killian.  
SKY: *glaring at Raven* Raven won't sleep with me because she IS in  
love with Killian.  
ETHAN: *glaring at Sharon* Sharon won't sleep with me because she's  
mad that I caved and had a ton of beer at that pub.  
SHARON: *glaring at Ethan* Ethan won't sleep with me because he's  
always too drunk and/or stoned to get around to it!  
HUNTER: *quickly* Okay, um, does anyone have a problem not related to  
sex?  
ALISA: Um, magick scares me.  
JENNA: I miss Matt ... he was so good in bed ... oops, that was a sex one,  
wasn't it?  
MORGAN: My parents want me to either quit Wicca or go to a  
psychologist.  
*stunned silence*  
HUNTER: Bloody hell!  
BREE: Not a psychologist! Will he make you look at ink blots?  
*muttering to herself* That one was SO not a sailboat ...  
ROBBIE: Anything but that!  
JENNA: Gee, Morgan, I'm so sorry. Well, I feel more sorry for me  
because I lost my boyfriend, but hey.  
RAVEN: Poor Morgan. I hate shrinks.  
SHARON: Well, Morgan, you obviously can't face a shrink. That's worse  
than capital punishment. I guess that means you have to quit Wicca.  
*they throw her out of the house*  
MORGAN: Waaahhh!  
*Mr. and Mrs. Rowlands drive up*  
MR. ROWLANDS: Hop in, Morgan!  
MRS. ROWLANDS: It's time for your visit to the shrink!  
MORGAN: *spluttering* But-But-But I –  
*they drag her into the car and to the shrink's office*  
SHRINK: Hello, Morgan.  
MORGAN: *terrified* Um ... hi?  
SHRINK: Now, Morgan, I want you to know that I'm not here to scare  
you. I'm just here to force you to relive your childhood in an attempt  
to discover the source of your current psychological chaos.  
MORGAN: *sending a witch message* Hunter, help me! I'm in terrible  
danger!  
*she gets no response and slouches down on the shrink's couch sadly*  
MORGAN: Okay, Doc. Psychoanalyze me.  
SHRINK: Thank you for your cooperation. Now ... why don't you tell me a  
little bit about your childhood?  
MORGAN: *takes a deep breath* Well, I lived my entire life believing  
that my parents were Sean and Mary Grace Rowlands and that my sister  
was Mary K. But then, it's really a funny story, I learned that I was  
adopted. Understandably, this was a very difficult time for me,  
emotionally. I later discovered that my real mother's name was Maeve  
Riordan. She used to live in Ballynigel, Ireland, but then she had to  
move to New York City with her lover, Angus, because a dark wave  
summoned by one of my ancestors destroyed her village and killed  
everyone in her family. Now, originally, I thought that Angus Bramson  
was my father, but on a recent trip to New York with my friends, I was  
bound and gagged and almost had my powers stolen by a man that I  
learned was my TRUE father, a very powerful dark witch named Ciaran  
MacEwan, who turned out to be the one who had murdered my mother and  
Angus by burning them in a barn. *takes another deep breath* So, then,  
of course, I naturally felt that I was a spawn of the darkness because  
of my true father's inherent evilness, and so I separated myself from  
my boyfriend and my coven in an attempt to protect them from the  
darkness that I assumed would grow within me and consume my very soul.  
But I got better, and now I'm happy and well within my coven, Kithic,  
in which I am one of only three blood witches.  
SHRINK: *stares at her*  
MORGAN: *stares back*  
SHRINK: Um ... yes ... well ... I can see that you've got a creative  
imagination!  
MORGAN: Imagination? Everything I told you is true!  
SHRINK: *smiling sweetly* Of course it is. Why don't you tell me about  
your school life?  
MORGAN: *takes a deep breath* Well, I've always been a good student in  
school. I'm taking a few senior courses, and I get good grades in  
pretty much everything. I don't mean to sound conceited, but it's  
true. My grades started to drop when I was contacted by a member of  
the International Council of Witches named Eoife, though. Eoife told  
me that I had to get my father, Ciaran, to come to Widow's Vale so  
that she and the council could either try to capture him or place a  
watch sigil on him so they could follow his every move. *sighs* It was  
awful. My schoolwork went downhill. I was so busy all the time, what  
with trying to get my half-brother Killian to stop messing with my  
friend Sky's head and get our father down here from New York. I  
completely forgot about a few big history tests and English  
compositions, and my grades really suffered because of that. I tend to  
think that it wasn't completely my fault, though, on account of I was  
under so much stress then. Anyways, I did finally get Ciaran down  
here, and after shape shifting into a wolf with him and nearly killing  
my boyfriend, I got the watch sigil on him and helped the council get  
on his tracks, if you'll excuse the pun. They're chasing him as we  
speak.  
SHRINK: *stares at her*  
MORGAN: *stares back*  
SHRINK: Morgan, you have to be honest with me. If you want to go  
making up these harebrained stories that have no basis in reality or  
fact, that's your prerogative, but understand that I am not a cheap  
psychologist. Every hour that you waste my time, it means one less  
Christmas present for you or your sister because your parents will be  
in the red. The bankruptcy red.  
MORGAN: Number one, I don't celebrate Christmas anymore. And number  
two, everything that I've told you is true!  
SHRINK: Why don't you tell me about this boyfriend that you've  
mentioned?  
MORGAN: *takes a deep breath* My boyfriend's name is Hunter. Hunter  
Niall. He's the sweetest, most sensitive, greatest, most loving,  
coolest, most wonderful –  
SHRINK: The facts, please.  
MORGAN: Oh, sorry. *takes a deep breath again* My boyfriend, Hunter,  
is a blood witch, just like I am. His parents are Daniel and Fiona  
Niall, and he's a half-Woodbane and half-Wydenkell witch. I'm all  
Woodbane, but we get along. Hunter and I had a rocky relationship from  
the start, considering that I got really bad vibes from him when I  
first met him and he pretty much freaked me out. The situation wasn't  
improved any when, in an effort to protect my previous boyfriend, I  
hurled a knife at Hunter's neck and he fell over a cliff into the  
Hudson River. He didn't die, though, and we made up eventually. Of  
course, for a while, I was a bit of a mess because of a betrayal by  
said previous boyfriend, who turned out to be part of a dark coven  
that destroyed other non-Woodbane covens and tried to kill me by  
burning me, as my parents were. Due to the heroic actions of my friend  
Bree and a little accident with my beloved car, Das Boot, though, I  
survived. I was an emotional wreck for a while, but then Hunter showed  
me that it was okay to fall in love again and we started dating. He's  
my soulmate, my muirn beatha dan, but we still haven't had sex  
because, every opportunity that we get, something comes up. Anyway,  
he's great. And despite the fact that I almost killed him and I'm not  
really the greatest or hottest girlfriend in the world, he loves me,  
too.  
SHRINK: *stares at her*  
MORGAN: *stares back*  
SHRINK: Nurse? *a nurse enters* Can you get the sedatives, please?  
This girl is a complete fruitcake.  
MORGAN: I enjoy fruitcake.  
SHRINK: Okay now, Morgan, we're going to put you in a drug-induced  
sleep, okay? Now just relax ... this won't hurt a bit ... just relax ... it  
won't hurt ...  
*Morgan shrieks in pain as the he jabs a needle full of sedative into  
her arm. Suddenly, though, a loud crash heralds the arrival of  
something. Something big. Morgan turns around in shock to see Das Boot  
flying through the glass of the shrink's window, smashing it to  
pieces. The coven climbs out of the car, ready for action. They see  
that Morgan is still alive*  
HUNTER: Um ... we're here to rescue you.  
MORGAN: *pointedly* Good job. *realizes the absurdity of the  
situation* Hey ... how did you get Das Boot up thirty stories?  
SKY: Hunter and I levitated it up.  
MORGAN: Oh. That's impressive.  
HUNTER: Thanks.  
MORGAN: *realizes something else* Hey, how come you all look so ... so ...  
  
HUNTER: Oh! Well, you see, it's a funny story. That spell that we did  
to solve personal problems? It actually worked! Yeah, so half of the  
coven was actually ... well, you know ... when I received your message. It  
was difficult to recruit everybody.  
SHARON: I had to interrupt Robbie and Bree. *shivers involuntarily*  
Not a pretty sight.  
JENNA: Alisa, Ethan, and I walked in on Sky and Raven.  
ETHAN: *mouth still hanging open* It was definitely a moment to  
remember ...  
ALISA: I'm scarred for all eternity.  
MORGAN: Hmmm ... wanna go get some pizza?  
ALL: Sure! *they leave. The shrink stares back and forth at them in  
shock*  
  
[Scene: another shrink's office. Morgan's ex-shrink is sitting on the  
couch, shaking slightly.]  
  
EX-SHRINK: It was awful, Doc ... this car just burst through my window ...  
and ... and ... and ... *shudders*  
  
AND ONCE AGAIN ... THE END 


	5. Everybody Out Of The Water!

Disclaimer: Hey, peoples ... here's #5 ... enjoy! Oh, and just remember  
that these stories aren't related to each other in any way, shape, or  
form. This one is related to #3, but only because Hunter has been  
resurrected and the town has been rebuilt. They all have the same  
characters ... that we don't own, so don't sue ... but we own Mike,  
Lindsey, and Kristin. And a shoutout to Madman! ... again! And, by the  
way, in "Morgan and the Shrink," the sedative didn't work because the  
blood of witches flows in her veins (i.e. she's a blood witch, for  
those of you who are too thick to figure it out). No offense!  
  
Everybody Out Of The Water!!!  
  
[Scene: the basement hangout at the high school. The coven is gathered  
in it. After a massive combat with evil, they are all exhausted.]  
  
HUNTER: Okay, peoples! Get up and give me fifty!  
SHARON: Fifty what?  
HUNTER: Pushups! Darn you guys, get working! You're all becoming too  
lazy!  
ALISA: I was so tired this morning that I missed the bus, so I lassoed  
myself to the back of it and rode to school on my roller blades, still  
completely asleep.  
BREE: You've been working us too hard, Hunter!  
ROBBIE: Yeah, give Bree a rest! She needs to reserve her energy for ...  
um ... other ... more important things!  
BREE: *sweetly* Thank you, Robbie. *slaps him* And HOW MANY TIMES have  
I told you NOT to discuss our sex life in front of the coven???  
ROBBIE: Sorry.  
HUNTER: Oh, come on, you guys! Get to work!  
ALL: No!  
HUNTER: *resigned* Okay, fine, fine. We'll take a break.  
MORGAN: I think we need a vacation.  
SKY: Indubitably.  
RAVEN: Stop talking British.  
SKY: You said it was a turn-on.  
RAVEN: *caught* Um ...  
MORGAN: *quickly* Anyway, vacation, anyone?  
  
[Scene: a beach somewhere. The coven is relaxing along the beach.]  
  
HUNTER: What a great day for a vacation.  
MORGAN: Yeah. The water is blue, the sky is clear, the sand is white,  
and the squirrel is red!  
RAVEN: *pause* Squirrel?  
*they stare in shock as a squirrel scampers along the beach*  
SKY: I didn't know that squirrels lived near the beach.  
BREE: They don't.  
ROBBIE: It's probably just a coincidence.  
*ten other squirrels come scampering across the beach*  
*horrified pause*  
ALL: Uh-oh.  
JENNA: You think anyone else noticed the squirrels?  
*they look around at the other beach-goers. Everyone seems calm and  
collected*  
ALISA: Maybe it WAS just a coincidence.  
HUNTER: What if it wasn't? WHAT THEN?  
MORGAN: Calm down, Hunter.  
HUNTER: I love you.  
MORGAN: I love you, too.  
*Sky turns to Raven*  
SKY: I love you.  
RAVEN: I love you, too.  
*Bree turns to Robbie*  
BREE: I love you.  
ROBBIE: I love you, too.  
*Ethan turns to Sharon*  
ETHAN: I love you.  
SHARON: I love you, too.  
*Jenna turns to Simon*  
JENNA: I love you.  
SIMON: I love you, too.  
ALISA: *whimpers in a corner* I feel left out.  
MORGAN: *comes out of her and Hunter's makeout session* Okay ... who  
wants to go swimming?  
*Hunter runs into the water*  
MORGAN: *sarcastically* Okay, Hunter, don't wait for the rest of us!  
HUNTER: *over his shoulder* Thanks, honey! *runs headlong into the  
lifeguard stand*  
MORGAN: *shaking her head* What an idiot. *pause* Still, he's cute.  
*all except Hunter hear a strange chanting coming from the distance*  
ALISA: What's that?  
*all turn and look at the cliff conveniently placed above the beach.  
There they see Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin, all with their arms raised  
towards the sky, chanting a strange language. When they are done,  
Lindsey pushes the PLAY button on a stereo*  
*they hear an oddly familiar tune*  
MORGAN: Hey, what IS that?  
SKY: It sounds familiar.  
BREE: I can't place it ...  
ROBBIE: It's on the tip of my tongue ...  
RAVEN: *humming along* dun dun dun dun dun ... *gets looks* What? Don't  
you guys recognize the JAWS theme song when you hear it?  
*they all look at each other in horror*  
MORGAN: JAWS?  
*they hear a girlish scream and see Hunter's body being pulled  
underwater. The waves turn red*  
MORGAN: Hunter!  
SKY: Oh, no! What will we do?  
BREE: I don't know.  
*they all run to the water's edge*  
SKY: *to Morgan* You go in.  
MORGAN: I'm not going in! You go in!  
SKY: I'm not going in! Bree, go in!  
BREE: I'm not going in! Robbie, go in!  
ROBBIE: I'm not going in! I can't swim!  
*they see Hunter's arm wash up on the shore*  
MORGAN: Oh, my God ...  
SKY: Oh, my God ...  
BREE: Oh, my God ...  
ROBBIE: Oh, my God ...  
ETHAN: *giggles uncontrollably*  
MORGAN: *glares menacingly at him*  
ETHAN: *stops giggling* Sorry.  
ALISA: Is there a shark in the water?  
JENNA: *sarcastically* No, Alisa, it was a STARFISH that killed  
Hunter!  
ALISA: *cheerfully* Okay, then! I'm going swimming!  
*she runs into the water. They hear the JAWS music more closely now.  
They turn around to see Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin standing behind  
them*  
MIKE: You might what to get your friend out of the water. Things are  
going to turn dark. Fast.  
LINDSEY: She's almost out of time.  
KRISTIN: *pulls out a stopwatch* Dun dun dun dun dun dun ...  
SKY: Shut up!  
KRISTIN: No! Dun dun dun dun dun ... *Lindsey joins in*  
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: *louder* Dun dun dun dun dun dun ...  
ALISA: *from way out in the ocean* Hey! Stop that humming! It's  
annoying!  
*from the beach, the coven can see a shark fin slicing through the  
water, heading right towards Alisa*  
MIKE: *nodding* Yep. There's Maurice.  
MORGAN: MAURICE???  
MIKE: Yep. That's his name. We've raised him since he was a dark baby.  
*calling* Good Maurice! Kill little annoying girl! Good boy!  
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: *still humming* Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ...  
ROBBIE: Alisa! Look out! There's a shark behind you!  
ALISA: *from far away* What? I can't hear you!  
ROBBIE: A shark! A shark!  
ALISA: *from far away* WHAT???  
SKY: *steals a megaphone from a tourist* THERE'S A SHARK BEHIND YOU!  
EVERYBODY OUT OF THE WATER!!!  
ALISA: *from far away* Sorry, I got water in my ear! WHAT DID YOU SAY?  
SKY: SHARK! SHARK! SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER, YOU IDIOT!  
ALISA: Oh! A shark! *does a double take* SHARK??? *turns around to see  
the shark opening its jaws, ready to swallow her alive* *lets out a  
high-pitched scream*  
*back on the shore, the coven listens to the SCREAM, CRUNCH, AND  
SPLASH that is the death of Alisa*  
LINDSEY: Good Mauricey! Way to make Mommy proud!  
KRISTIN: Mommies! Mommies! Plural!  
LINDSEY: Oh. Right.  
MORGAN: Mike, you have to call off the shark! It's already killed two  
people!  
MIKE: He's just doing what comes naturally. Would you tell a cat not  
to use its litter box?  
MORGAN: Actually, my cat won't go near his litter box. He had a  
traumatic experience with it.  
MIKE: Was that annoying girl even a person?  
BREE: Marginally, but still.  
KRISTIN: So it was really only one and a half people.  
LINDSEY: *perkily* Does anyone want to meet Jeff the Deranged  
Squirrel?  
*holds out a squirrel that stands there cutely*  
MIKE / KRISTIN: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!  
JENNA: *examines the squirrel closely* It doesn't look deranged ...  
LINDSEY: Not until I do this. *waves her hand and says something in  
squirrel-speak*  
*the squirrel attacks and kills Jenna*  
ROBBIE: That was brutal.  
RAVEN: I'm never watching Animal Planet again.  
LINDSEY: *laughs maniacally*  
MORGAN: Um, guys? Can we get back to the shark issue here? I think we  
have more pressing problems than this squirrel. Which is currently  
humping my leg.  
LINDSEY: That's not Jeff. That's Bill.  
MORGAN: Oh, for the love of Hecate.  
KRISTIN: *affectionately to the squirrel* IS OOO A HORNY SQUIRREL? IS  
OOO A HORNY SQUIRREL?  
BILL: *chirps back*  
LINDSEY: He said yes. And a lot of other things, but let's not get  
into those.  
MORGAN: CAN WE PLEASE DEAL WITH THE SHARK???  
MIKE: I'm not about to tell Maurice to stop doing what he does  
naturally just because you want me to. We're both dark, and you're  
not!  
MORGAN: I'm Woodbane!  
MIKE: Oh, yeah? well, I'm ... *ominous pause* Woodbane, too! But I'm  
still darker!  
KILLIAN: *teleports in* Hi, Mike! Hi, Morgan! Wazzup?  
MORGAN: You two know each other?  
KILLIAN: He's my cousin.  
MORGAN: But wouldn't that make him ...  
MIKE: Guess what, Morgan? I'm ... your ... cousin!  
MORGAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  
*pause*  
BREE: Okay, enough melodrama. Calm down. *slaps Morgan upside the  
head* I mean, at least THOSE TWO aren't related to you.  
KRISTIN / LINDSEY / JEFF / BILL: *in the background* Dun dun dun dun  
dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ...  
MIKE: Um, actually, they're my dark sisters. So I guess that makes  
them your dark cousins, too. Except for the dark squirrels.  
KRISTIN / LINDSEY / JEFF / BILL: *in the background* Dark dark dark  
dark dark dark dark dark dark ...  
ROBBIE: OKAY! OKAY! WE GET IT! THINGS ARE DARK! SHUUUUUT UUUUUP!  
MIKE: Not things. Just *dramatic pause* us.  
MORGAN: And who is 'us' exactly?  
MIKE: Well ... you can be part of 'us', too, if you wanna join our dark  
coven.  
MORGAN: You mean Amyranth?  
MIKE: Yep. It's dark.  
KILLIAN: It's also quite fun.  
MORGAN: *considers* Well, okay!  
SKY: *pointedly* Morgan? What about OUR coven? And the council?  
MORGAN: Oh, screw them. They're just a bunch of sticks in the mud. I  
think we should combine the two covens.  
SKY: What??? Are you crazy???  
MORGAN: The council doesn't approve of gay marriage.  
SKY: *beat* So, all in favor of combining the two covens?  
RAVEN: *quickly* Aye!  
ALL: Aye!  
MIKE: Well ... fine ... but we have to do a dark ritual to turn all of you  
into dark Woodbane witches.  
MORGAN: Can you even do that?  
MIKE: I'm Mike. I can do anything. I'm dark.  
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: We know, Mike ... we know ... BELIEVE US, we know ...  
MIKE: So, all set to do the dark spell, then?  
MORGAN: What do they have to do?  
MIKE: EAT ... *dramatic pause* BLEU CHEESE!  
ALL: AAAAHHHH! Yuck! I'm not eating that!  
MIKE: Actually, if you season it with cinnamon and garlic sauce, it  
tastes a little like chicken.  
MEXICAN CAT: *walking up* I like chicken.  
LINDSEY: So do I.  
MORGAN: Who are you talking to?  
LINDSEY: Oh, um, no one.  
KRISTIN: *whispering* Don't worry. I saw him, too.  
LINDSEY: Must be an omen.  
MIKE: What was that Mexican cat doing here?  
ROBBIE: What Mexican cat?  
KRISTIN: Maybe only dark witches can see it.  
MIKE: Well, we'd love to turn the rest of you into dark witches, but  
we've got to run and get some dark food. Applebee's has a new drive-  
thru, you know.  
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: Is it a DARK drive-thru?  
MIKE: Yes.  
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: *pause* YAY!  
KILLIAN: Let's go!  
*they teleport out*  
*the others look around*  
  
AND ... ONCE AGAIN ... THE END  
  
BREE: Is that the end?  
ROBBIE: *irritated* Yes! It's the end! It says it right up there!  
BREE: I love you, Robbie.  
ROBBIE: I love you, too.  
*insert makeout session*  
JEFF: Squeak! *TRANSLATION: That's incredibly disturbing*  
BILL: Squeal! *TRANSLATION: I don't mind!*  
*they teleport out*  
  
FOR REAL THIS TIME ... FIN 


	6. Morgan vs The Nuns

Disclaimer: Hey, us again! This story is pretty weird, but who cares?  
Give it a read and review whether you hate it or not ... but please  
don't hate it *sniffles*  
  
Morgan vs. The Nuns  
  
Scene: Morgan's bedroom. Morgan is laying on her bed, staring up at  
the ceiling, bored.]  
  
MORGAN: *talking to herself* I'm so bored ... where is everyone ... *sits  
up* That's it. *goes over to her phone and dials a number* *waits a  
minute* Hey, Bree!  
BREE: *on the phone, sounding breathless* Uh ... Morgan? What are you  
calling for?  
MORGAN: Oh, you know. It's boring over here. Wanna go get a mocha or  
drive over to Practical Magick?  
BREE: Um ... you've kind of caught me at a bad time ...  
MORGAN: Oh! Are you and Robbie –  
BREE: Kinda.  
MORGAN: *embarrassed* Oh, sorry. I'll call back later.  
BREE: Please don't.  
MORGAN: Sorry. *hangs up and sits in mortified silence for a moment  
before dialing another number*  
SKY: *on the phone, sounding breathless* Hello?  
MORGAN: Oh, hey, Sky. Is Hunter there?  
SKY: No, he had to go to New York for the day.  
MORGAN: Do you know what time he'll be back?  
SKY: No.  
MORGAN: *sighs, then brightens* So, do you wanna hang? We could go to  
Practical Magick or we could do another one of those Wiccan mind meld  
things.  
SKY: Actually, I'm kind of busy right now.  
MORGAN: *seeing an uncanny similarity with her last phone  
conversation* Oh, are you and Raven –  
SKY: Kinda.  
MORGAN: Sorry. *hangs up and dials another number, now very  
frustrated* Hi, Sharon, do you wanna –  
SHARON: No.  
MORGAN: *losing it* Damnit, you and Ethan, too? Why isn't MY sex life  
being fulfilled?  
*unfortunately for her, her parents enter her bedroom just in time to  
hear this last statement. Oops. Morgan looks shocked as her parents  
look grim*  
MORGAN: *to the phone* SorrySharonGottaGoBye! *hangs up* Hi, Mom! Hi,  
Dad!  
MRS. ROWLANDS: *not amused* Hello, Morgan.  
MORGAN: What's up?  
MR. ROWLANDS: We were sort of hoping to talk to you, sweetie.  
MORGAN: Really? Good! *droops* All of my friends are too busy for me.  
MRS. ROWLANDS: As we heard.  
MORGAN: It is nice to have someone to talk to, though.  
*a nun walks into her bedroom*  
MORGAN: Uh ... that is NOT what I meant.  
NUN: It's very nice to meet you, child.  
MORGAN: Who are you?  
MRS. ROWLANDS: Sister Catherine is going to be one of your new  
teachers.  
MORGAN: *panicked* One of my new WHAT?  
MR. ROWLANDS: Morgan, we've tried every possible method of making you  
convert back to Catholicism. We prayed, we sent you to a shrink (which  
clearly failed), and now, we've made a difficult decision ... *dramatic  
music* Morgan ... you're going to St. Anne's.  
MORGAN: *pause, then screams*  
MRS. ROWLANDS: *yelling over the noise of Morgan's screams* It's for  
your own good, sweetheart!  
MORGAN: Good, my ass!  
SISTER CATHERINE: *clutching her chest* Holy Mary, this girl is a  
heathen!  
MRS. ROWLANDS: Morgan doesn't mean to offend you.  
MORGAN: Actually, I do! There's no way I'm going to a Catholic school!  
  
[Scene: St. Anne's Catholic School.]  
  
MORGAN: I hate you.  
SISTER CATHERINE: Come now, my daughter. That is no way to speak to an  
elder, much less such a devoted servant of God as myself.  
MORGAN: Oh, PLEASE!  
SISTER CATHERINE: Quiet, you little wretch! Now get to class!  
*Morgan goes down the hall and enters her first classroom*  
TEACHER: Hello! Class, we have a new student! It's Morgan, isn't it?  
Come in. I am Sister Mary.  
MORGAN: Seems like every Catholic's name is Mary.  
SISTER MARY: *turning up her hearing aid* Excuse me, what?  
MORGAN: Nothing.  
SISTER MARY: Well, Morgan, why don't you tell the class a little about  
yourself?  
MORGAN: *takes a deep breath* Well, my name is Morgan Rowlands and I'm  
seventeen years old. I used to go to Widow's Vale High School in  
Widow's Vale, New York, but considering that I'm stuck here in this  
brainless hall of torture known as Catholic school, it's obvious that  
I'm no longer there so much as I am here. I don't really like  
Catholicism that much, and I'm only here because my parents threatened  
to put my little kitty Dagda up for adoption if I didn't come. All in  
all, I'm feeling very unhappy now because this new uniform that I've  
been forced into *looks down at her plaid skirt and white dress shirt*  
is WAY too tight, this little tie is practically squeezing all oxygen  
from my lungs, therefore making cellular respiration impossible, and,  
I mean, hello, PLAID? I mean, come on! There has to have been a better  
pattern for the skirt than PLAID!  
CLASS: *stunned silence*  
SISTER MARY: *stunned silence*  
MORGAN: *just plain silence*  
SISTER MARY: Um, yes, well ... why don't you take a seat next to Sarah?  
MORGAN: Who's Sarah?  
SISTER MARY: *points to a blonde girl in the front row*  
*Morgan sits down next to Sarah. Sarah looks at Morgan as Sister Mary  
resumes her lecture on the wonders of Christianity*  
SARAH: Hi.  
MORGAN: Hi.  
SARAH: So you're new here?  
MORGAN: Clearly you didn't get that from my introduction, so yes, I  
am.  
SARAH: Don't worry. You'll make lots of new friends here.  
MORGAN: *whines* I don't WANT new friends! I want my OLD friends!  
SARAH: Who were your old friends?  
MORGAN: Oh, just a fashion queen ...  
SARAH: The Bible says that you shouldn't be so concerned with your  
image.  
MORGAN: ... a kind of nerdy guy ...  
SARAH: The Bible says that all people are equal before God. Social  
status matters not.  
MORGAN: ... a worker for this council thing in England ...  
SARAH: Helping those less fortunate? Finally, someone suitable.  
MORGAN: ... a couple of lesbians ...  
SARAH: The Bible says that homosexuality is wrong.  
MORGAN: ... and an entire coven of witches.  
SARAH: *gasps* Mother of God! *faints*  
*no one seems to notice that Sarah has fainted*  
SISTER MARY: Now, we'll just start where we left off last class. It  
won't be too hard for you to catch up to the others, Morgan. *Morgan  
rolls her eyes* Now, if everyone could grab a Bible from this pile up  
here and turn to Psalm 12, we'll start reading ...  
*after a long reading and discussion on the psalm, the bell finally  
rings. Morgan runs out of the classroom as fast as her legs can carry  
her*  
MORGAN: Oh, merciful Goddess! Glad that's over!  
*a couple of kids in the hallway look at her strangely for her use of  
the Wiccan deity's name*  
MORGAN: *defensively* What are YOU looking at?  
SARAH: *comes out of the class* I've made the firm decision that I  
dislike you.  
MORGAN: The feeling is mutual.  
SARAH: *stunned* WHAT??? But ... but that's impossible! Everybody loves  
me! I'm lovable! Everybody loves me! I'm popular!  
MORGAN: Oh, it's not your fault. You just come off as a person that I  
WILL hate.  
SARAH: *now insulted* Well, I never! You will deeply regret this! I  
mean, that was ... practically ... a sin!!! How dare you??  
MORGAN: *considers* Uh ... yep. I do hate you.  
SARAH: *gives enraged squeal and stomps off down the hall*  
GIRL: You got on her bad side too, huh?  
MORGAN: Who are you?  
GIRL: Name's Kathleen. Kat for short. Nice to meet you.  
MORGAN: Did you get on her bad side, too?  
KAT: Unfortunately, yes. *muttering* That damn brat, thinks just  
because her father OWNS the school that it gives her the right to –  
MORGAN: Whoa! Her father owns the school?  
KAT: Oh, yeah. Believe me, girl, your life is about to become a living  
hell.  
MORGAN: I was under the impression that it already was.  
*Kat and Morgan laugh and after more conversations that we don't feel  
like writing about become friends*  
  
[Scene: Hunter's living room. The coven is gathered around it,  
discussing Morgan's absence.]  
  
BREE: It's so weird. Every time I call her house, her mom says that  
she's not there. And I've been calling A LOT.  
ROBBIE: So I think it's safe to assume that, uh, either Morgan has a  
new secret boyfriend, or she's been kidnapped by CIA-trained Bolivian  
drug lords.  
ETHAN: Don't you mean COLUMBIAN drug lords?  
ROBBIE: No.  
HUNTER: Morgan wasn't kidnapped! And I'd feel it if she had found a  
new boyfriend ... *whimpers* because my heart would be broken, shattered  
into a million tiny pieces with the knowledge that I could not hold  
her in my arms, feel her warmth, smell the lingering scent of her  
raspberry shampoo in her soft hair ...  
*the others stare at him. He realizes that he was talking out loud*  
HUNTER: Um, yes, anyways ... it's imperative that we find Morgan. When  
was the last that each of you talked to her?  
*all members of the coven look guiltily at each other*  
HUNTER: What's with you guys?  
BREE: Well, she kind of called while we were –  
SKY: Yeah! Same here!  
SHARON: Me, too.  
ROBBIE: I guess she felt lonely because nobody would hang out with  
her.  
HUNTER: *angrily* I can't believe you guys! How could you not have  
noticed her pain? It's obvious that she was feeling alone, and you all  
just ignored her and went on with your sex lives?  
RAVEN: I think that's unfair. What if it was REALLY good sex?  
BREE: Yeah?  
RAVEN: I mean, seriously, females are the way to go.  
HUNTER: *quickly* CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK ON TOPIC?  
BREE: Sorry.  
ALISA: *walks in from the kitchen* Oh ... my ... Goddess! You guys will  
not BELIEVE what Mary K. just told me!  
ALL: What?  
ALISA: Mr. and Mrs. Rowlands sent Morgan to a Catholic school!  
SKY: Oh, my God ...  
HUNTER: Poor Morgan ...  
BREE: I knew that something was wrong.  
ROBBIE: What should we do?  
RAVEN: *whining* Sky, I want more sex.  
ETHAN: We should rescue her.  
SHARON: Yeah. We'll form a rescue squad.  
ALISA: Or at least call Amnesty International.  
HUNTER: So all in favor of forming a rescue squad?  
*the members' hands all remain down. Hunter looks miffed*  
HUNTER: Oh, come on! You were all for it a minute ago!  
SKY: Well, that was before Raven started sending me seductive witch  
messages.  
RAVEN: *looks pleased with herself*  
BREE: What say we gather our forces later? Say, three hours? That way,  
we all have time to ... uh ... *glances at Robbie* do stuff that we have  
to do.  
ROBBIE: I'm all for it.  
*they leave in pointed disregard of Hunter's meaningless efforts to  
keep them there*  
  
[Scene: Morgan's new dorm room at St. Anne's. She sits on her bed,  
reading a book. Kat walks in.]  
  
KAT: Watcha doing?  
MORGAN: Just perusing my Book of Shadows for a spell to get me out of  
here.  
KAT: *gasps* You're Wiccan?  
MORGAN: 100%. Well, 99.9%. There's a tiny bit of me that's Buddhist.  
KAT: I'm Wiccan, too!  
MORGAN: Really?  
KAT: Yeah!  
MORGAN: Wow! Do you have a clan?  
KAT: *proudly* Yep! Vikroth!  
MORGAN: Cool. So do you like to fight?  
KAT: Black belt in karate. And judo. And tae kwon do. And yoga.  
MORGAN: Yoga?  
KAT: Yeah.  
MORGAN: Hmmm. Wanna help me bust out of here? You could join my coven  
back in Widow's Vale.  
KAT: That sounds fun! What's it called?  
MORGAN: Kithic.  
KAT: *confused* Doesn't that mean left-handed?  
MORGAN: *pause* So? It's cool. I love everyone in it. They're so great  
and supportive ... unless ... you're feeling alone ... *sniffles and starts  
to sob* Sorry, I get emotional.  
KAT: It's okay. Tell me about them.  
MORGAN: I just ... I just feel like sometimes they're too wrapped up in  
their own lives to pay any attention to me.  
KAT: That's only natural.  
MORGAN: Really?  
KAT: Totally. You just need to talk to them all. Call them now.  
MORGAN: Okay. *picks up the phone and dials a number*  
BREE: *on answering machine* Hey, you've reached Bree and Robbie.  
We're busy having sex right now, but if you call back in about three  
hours - *Morgan hangs up in disgust and dials another number*  
SKY: *on answering machine* Hey, you've reached Sky and Raven. We're  
busy having sex right now, but if you call back in about three hours -  
*Morgan hangs up with another sigh of disgust and frustration and  
dials another number*  
SHARON: *on answering machine* Hey, you've reached Sharon and Ethan.  
We're busy having sex right now, but if you call back in about three  
hours - *Morgan screams with fury and slams the phone down*  
MORGAN: *desperately* See? SEE? NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME! I'VE BEEN GONE  
FOR THREE FREAKING WEEKS AND NOBODY CARES ENOUGH TO COME HELP ME!  
THEY'RE TOO BUSY SEXUALLY SERVICING EACH OTHER!  
KAT: That is a problem. But ...  
MORGAN: But what?  
KAT: Who's that hot guy that just teleported into our room?  
*Morgan sees Killian*  
MORGAN: *incredulous* KILLIAN???  
KILLIAN: *cheerfully* Hey, little sis! I've come to rescue you!  
MORGAN: Uh ... don't think I'm not glad to see you, but how did you know  
I was here?  
KILLIAN: Your prat of a boyfriend called me and told me that your  
coven was too busy sexually servicing each other to help you, so I  
generously offered to aid in your rescue attempt.  
MORGAN: *sarcastically* Thank you. That means a lot. Really.  
KILLIAN: Well, if you're not interested in a rescue –  
MORGAN: No! No! Get me out of here!  
KILLIAN: Oh, I can't do that.  
MORGAN: Why not?  
KILLIAN: I'm not powerful enough to teleport you out of here in  
addition to myself. I had to bring in reinforcements.  
MORGAN: And those reinforcements would be ...  
MIKE: *teleports in* Jolly good!  
MORGAN: Oh, God, no.  
KAT: Who's THAT?  
MORGAN: My deranged cousin.  
KAT: *staring* He's sexy ...  
MORGAN: Oh, my God! What is it with girls and Mike? WHY DO YOU THINK  
HE'S SO HOT?  
MIKE: Girls are attracted to dark guys.  
MORGAN: *surprised* Really?  
MIKE: Did you, like, miss all of season 6 of Buffy?  
MORGAN: Mary K. has it on DVD. I'll watch it when *pointedly* AND IF I  
ever get home.  
KILLIAN: Fine, fine. Gather around.  
*Morgan and Kat gather around Killian and Mike, and they all teleport  
out*  
  
[Scene: Hunter's living room. Morgan, Kat, Mike, and Killian teleport  
in to find Hunter running around the room screaming, being pursued by  
a large black bird, an eagle, a mouse, a deer, and a bear. They look  
around at the situation as Hunter squeals girlishly and dives into the  
coat closet.]  
  
MORGAN: Wow, leave for a few weeks and everything falls apart.  
KILLIAN: Yeah, see, apparently Hunter tried a seeking spell to find  
you, but that backfired and turned the rest of the coven into animals.  
That one's Raven *the black bird*, that's Sky *the eagle*, that's  
Alisa *the mouse*, that's Sharon *the deer*, and that's Ethan *the  
bear*.  
*the eagle eats the mouse*  
MORGAN: Tell me that Sky didn't just eat Alisa.  
KILLIAN: Well, I could, but I'd be lying to you.  
MORGAN: God. Can I please just go home?  
KAT: Don't you want to help the poor guy? *looks at Hunter, who is  
being viciously and gorily torn apart by the eagle's talons, the  
bear's claws, the deer's hooves, and the black bird's beak*  
MORGAN: *trapped* Well, you know, I'm-I'm sort of tired. I'd rather  
just go home and sleep and pretend that I never got shipped away to  
St. Anne's.  
  
[Scene: Morgan's bedroom. Morgan, Kat, Mike, and Killian teleport in.]  
  
MORGAN: Oh, sweet Goddess, it's good to be home.  
*she sees Robbie and Bree making out on her bed*  
MORGAN: *yelling* OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? HAS  
EVERYONE IN THE COVEN BEEN PUT UNDER SOME SEX SPELL OR SOMETHING? WHY  
IS EVERYONE SO HORNY LATELY? IT'S REALLY DISTURBING! AND ON MY BED!  
FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING PURE AND BRIGHT, I HAVE TO SLEEP THERE!  
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO ...  
*Morgan's yelling fades as the screen goes black*  
  
DAS ENDE 


	7. The Cruise

**Disclaimer**: The comments in ( ) are author's notes. They shouldn't affect the story, but they're a good read ;). By the way, one of Robbie's comments comes from Legendary Frog's "One Ring" Series. If you've seen it, you'll understand. If you haven't ... never mind. Luv you all lots, and review!!! Review!!! BTW, apparently the asterisks won't work anymore on this or any other computer, so we've put them in [ ].

**"The Cruise"  
**  
** [Scene: the docks. The gang, minus Hunter, are gathered around the  
docks.]  
**  
**MORGAN**: Why did Hunter change the meeting place?  
**SKY**: Don't ask me. I don't know how his mind works.  
**MORGAN**: [to herself] NO ONE knows how his mind works. I'm still trying  
to figure out that obsession with the scones ...  
**SKY**: SCONES??? WHERE??? [pause] Um, that would be my impression of  
Hunter. If he were here ... which he's not.  
**KILLIAN**: [teleports in] Did someone say scones?  
**MORGAN**: No. Go away.  
**KILLIAN**: [droops sadly and teleports out]  
**HUNTER**: [walks up] Hi, guys! I guess you're wondering what we're doing  
here.  
**ROBBIE**: Yeah! What ARE we doing here?  
**HUNTER**: Yeah, well ... since our house was ... blown ... apart ... by a  
tornado ... we sort of have to meet somewhere else for a while.  
**MORGAN**: Tornado, huh? That's interesting. [whistles innocently] [gets  
stares] What? It wasn't my fault. The hormones told me to.  
**BREE**: That's what you get for messing with a girl when she's PMSing.  
**HUNTER**: Anyway, since our last vacation was sort of messed up, I was  
wondering if you guys would want to go on another one.  
**SKY**: Sure.  
**RAVEN**: Sounds fun.  
**MORGAN**: Yeah.  
**BREE**: We should go on a cruise!  
**HUNTER**: [to himself] Oh, no, please not the water ...  
**MORGAN**: Yeah! A cruise!  
**ROBBIE**: That sounds fun!  
**BREE**: My dad can pay for it. As a matter of fact, he was thinking of  
buying his very own cruise ship.  
**SKY**: Or we could just go on a normal cruise. We don't need a private  
ship.  
**RAVEN**: One with hot staff guys. [pause as Sky glares daggers at her]  
Um ... that's not what I meant.  
**HUNTER**: Will it have a buffet?  
**BREE**: Sure.  
**HUNTER**: WITH SCONES???  
**BREE**: [a little weirded out as Morgan just shakes her head] Um, sure.  
**HUNTER**: [excitedly] YES! SCONES!!! THIS IS GREAT!!! This is the best  
vacation ever! [thinks to himself] Even though it's in ... water ...  
  
** [Scene: the docks again. The gang is about to board the cruise ship.]  
  
** **HUNTER**: [wearing a Hawaiian shirt and lei, looking like a complete  
tourist] So, which one's our ship?  
**BREE**: [points to the biggest ship of them all (I mean, this ship was  
BIG)] That one.  
**HUNTER**: [standing in stupefied awe of the big ship] Wow ...  
**ROBBIE**: Ah, yes, the one biggest ship. But is it the one ship TO RULE  
THEM ALLLLLL???? [laughs maniacally] [Bree slaps him] Sorry, Bree.  
**ALISA**: [walks up] Thanks for inviting me on the cruise, you guys!  
**MORGAN**: We didn't invite you.  
**ALISA**: [ignores her] Ooh, this is going to be so much fun! I was just  
telling Mary K and all of my other little girly friends about this  
last night and they were so excited and they want me to bring them  
souvenirs and I can't wait to go swimming and I can't wait to play  
shuffleboard and I can't wait to eat at the buffet and –  
**HUNTER**: BUFFET!!!!!!  
**MORGAN**: [to the others] Who invited her? I didn't invite her? Did you  
invite her?  
**BREE**: I didn't invite her.  
**ROBBIE**: I didn't invite her.  
**RAVEN**: I didn't invite her.  
**SKY**: I didn't invite her.  
[they all glare at Hunter]  
**HUNTER**: [smiling stupidly] The more the merrier!!!  
**MORGAN**: [shakes her head and mumbles to herself] Sorry, guys.  
**BREE**: Hey, don't be sorry for us. You're the one dating him. [pause]  
Why is that, again?  
**MORGAN**: [even longer pause] You know, I ... really ... don't ... know ...  
**HUNTER**: [sniffles pathetically]  
**MORGAN**: [quickly] Anyway, let's get on the cruise ship before it  
leaves. [they board the ship (the really BIG ship)]  
  
**[Scene: the ship. They are on it. (May I just clarify that this is a  
really BIG ship? ... Yes, we know that! Stop!... Sorry)]  
  
** [Kristin, Lindsey, and Mike are on the ship, looking out over the  
water]  
**KRISTIN**: The water is really blue.  
**LINDSEY**: Big water! Big water!  
**MIKE**: What's with her?  
**KRISTIN**: I'm not sure. She's been saying that all week. [to herself]  
Why do I hang out with these losers?  
**MIKE**: Because we're dark brother and sisters?  
**KRISTIN**: [pause] Oh, yeah. That pesky thing. [longer pause] You guys  
are probably the reason that I never got to hang out with anyone else.  
And that I didn't get into Harvard. Or Columbia. Or Yale. Or JMU. Or  
George Mason. Or anything.  
**MIKE**: Just because we accompanied you to all of your interviews and  
darkly sabotaged your resumes to make it appear that you got D's in  
every single class, even Basic Skills –  
**KRISTIN**: I KNEW THAT IT WAS YOU!!!! I WAS NEVER EVEN IN BASIC  
SKILLS!!!  
**MIKE**: [terrified] Lindsey put me up to it!  
**LINDSEY**: Big water, big water, I did not, big water, big water, big  
water!  
**MIKE**: [mumbling] Traitor to the darkness!  
[Kristin and Mike continue to squabble while the gang arrives on the  
ship and sees their strange 'friends'. Their mouths drop in shock as  
to their fellow cruise-mates. While they are all arguing, Lindsey  
still watches the ocean]  
**LINDSEY**: Big water! Big water! Big water! Big – [a humongous tsunami  
suddenly crashes into Widow's Vale, killing everyone]  
**MIKE**: [pause] Oh, that's why she's been doing that.  
**LINDSEY**: ... I knew it was coming.  
**KRISTIN**: OR DID YOU CALL IT?? I TOLD YOU NOT TO USE YOUR MAGICK FOR WEATHER WORKING!  
**LINDSEY**: Hey! I didn't do that! And the tornado wasn't me either!  
**MORGAN**: [changes the subject quickly] Soo ... what are the three of you  
doing here? I didn't know that you could afford a cruise.  
**MIKE**: We can't.  
**MORGAN**: [pause] Then ... what are you doing here?  
**MIKE**: [ominously] We are always here.  
**SKY**: Oh, please don't start that crap again. Exactly HOW did you get  
here?  
**LINDSEY**: [avoiding the question] Hey, look! It's Jeff! [races after  
the squirrel that has scampered onto the deck]  
**KRISTIN**: [avoiding the question as well] Um, yes, well ... I have to go  
alphabetize my guinea pigs. Goodbye! [runs away quickly]  
**MIKE**: Jolly good! Now that they're gone, we can get down to dark  
business.  
**HUNTER**: What business? You'd better not do anything funny, Mister! I'm  
... [dramatic pause] with the Council!  
**MIKE**: [pause] Yeah ... so? [walks off to do dark things]  
**BREE**: We've been on the ship for four minutes and it's already getting  
weird. This has to be a record.  
**ALISA**: [skipping away on the deck] Ooh! Shuffleboard! [goes to join  
all of the old geezers playing shuffleboard]  
**ROBBIE**: [snorting] Dorkus.  
(To summarize the story ... the cruise continued and went all the way  
around the tip of South America into the Pacific Ocean, where Alisa  
contracted malaria but was reluctantly cured by Morgan. We join them  
now on the cruise ship. Hunter is at the buffet. The others are on the  
deck)  
**HUNTER**: Oh, I KNEW they would have scones!!!!!! [stuffs his face full  
of inhuman amounts of scones]  
**MORGAN**: [up on the deck] He's been in there the whole time. [whines] I  
feel unloved!  
**BREE**: I don't even want to think about how many saturated fats are in  
all of those scones.  
**SKY**: HEY!!! DON'T DISS THE SCONES!!! [pause] Sorry.  
**RAVEN**: Everywhere we go, Sky, you embarrass me.  
**SKY**: [seductively] Well, I can't embarrass you when we're alone.  
**RAVEN**: [gets it] Ohh ... [they run off to do Goddess knows what]  
**BREE**: [seductively to Robbie] You know, Robbie, they've given me an  
idea ...  
**ROBBIE**: [not getting it] Yeah! We should go swimming!  
**BREE**: Um, SO not what I meant. [they walk off, leaving Morgan alone.  
(Forever ... mwahahahahahaha ... shut up, you dorkus)]  
**MORGAN**: [cries] (I wasn't being serious ... you're more of a dorkus than  
I am ...) Aah! The ceiling is talking! I'm scared!  
**KRISTIN**: [walking up] There are no ceilings on the deck of a cruise  
ship.  
**MORGAN**: Oh, dear.  
**ALISA**: [playing shuffleboard with old people] HAHAHAHA! Yes!! I win!  
Take that, Granny!  
**KRISTIN**: Has she stopped playing shuffleboard at all in the last 72  
hours?  
**MORGAN**: I don't think so. [Alisa suddenly keels over, unconscious]  
**KRISTIN**: LINDSEY! WHAT DID YOU DO?  
**LINDSEY**: [shows up out of nowhere] It wasn't me. It was Mike!  
**MIKE**: [shows up out of nowhere] It was SO you! [Lindsey stares at him  
for an excessively long period of time] [pause] Traitor.  
**KRISTIN**: Mike, stop making people keel over. It's not very nice.  
[later, they're all hanging out at the pool. Alisa is still  
unconscious. Hunter, in his Hawaiian jams, is attracting the stares of  
many people]  
**HUNTER**: Ha! Look how popular I am! I must be so cute!  
**MORGAN**: Sure, Hunter. As long as you believe that.  
**RAVEN**: [laughing at Hunter] Ha ha, what a dork! What an idiot! Hey,  
Hunter, you're a loser! [Sky glares at her, but then relents and they  
all laugh hysterically at Hunter's expense. Hunter is, as always,  
oblivious]  
**HUNTER**: It's great that everyone's in such a good mood!  
**MORGAN**: Yeah. They're laughing with you, not at you. [giggles]  
**HUNTER**: Like, whatever. I'm going back to the buffet. [leaves,  
whistling cheerfully] Scones, scones, my, how I love the scones ...  
**LINDSEY**: [pops in] Has anyone seen Jeff?  
**MORGAN**: You lost him?  
**LINDSEY**: No. He goes places. I'm never sure quite where he is.  
**BREE**: [in her cabin, shrieking] WHAT IS THIS SQUIRREL DOING IN MY  
BATHING SUIT????  
**LINDSEY**: That's where he went! [Bree comes out of her cabin, holding  
her bikini, in which is nestled a cute little squirrel] Hey, that's  
not Jeff! That's Bill!  
**BREE**: Whoever the hell this is, get rid of him!  
**LINDSEY**: Bill, what were you doing in Bree's swimsuit?  
**BILL**: [chirps in squirrel-speak]  
**LINDSEY**: [disgusted] Oh, my Goddess! You little pervert! TMI! TMI!  
**ROBBIE**: What did he say?  
**LINDSEY**: Let's just say that you've got competition for Bree's  
affections.  
**BREE**: [shivers]  
**BILL**: [chirps angrily]  
**LINDSEY**: He says that he never really liked you anyway.  
**BREE**: [insulted] Hey! I'm very likable!  
**KRISTIN**: [comes up] Has anyone seen Mike around?  
**MORGAN**: No, and that's what worries me.  
**KRISTIN**: Oh, he'll show up sooner or later. He always does. [a shriek  
echoes from the kitchens]  
**HEAD CHEF**: [in a French accent] VAT IZ THIZ VODENT DOING IN MY  
KITCHEN? [Jeff comes running out of the door; Head Chef chases him  
with a butcher's knife]  
**LINDSEY**: [furiously] Hey! That's the eleventh commandment! THOU SHALT  
NOT HURT THE JEFF! [throws witch-fire at the head chef and kills him  
instantly]  
[pause]  
**MORGAN**: You do realize that, now that the head chef is dead, we'll be  
eating canned ravioli for the rest of the cruise.  
**LINDSEY**: Oh, don't worry. Mike can cook.  
**SKY**: [horrified] Cook WHAT?  
**KRISTIN**: It's best not to question his ingredients. Just eat it. It's  
good. Most of the time.  
**RAVEN**: Where is he, anyway?  
**SKY**: WHY DO YOU CARE???  
**RAVEN**: [coughs] No reason.  
**MORGAN**: Maybe we'd better go look for him. [they all go off in  
separate directions, searching for the Mike. They all convene at the  
pool again later]  
**KRISTIN**: Did NOBODY find him?  
**LINDSEY**: Bill found the women's bathroom. And Jeff found cheese.  
**KRISTIN**: That's not what I asked for.  
**LINDSEY**: I LIKE CHEESE! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?  
**MORGAN**: Okay, so we have a missing Mike on our hands.  
**MIKE**: [appears] What is up, my people? I hope you're all having a  
jolly good, and yet dark, day.  
[all just shake their heads]  
[Jeff and Bill suddenly disappear]  
**MORGAN**: Where did Jeff and Bill go?  
**LINDSEY**: They said something about going to the buffet for food.  
[all hear screaming coming from the buffet. They all look at each  
other before racing to the buffet, where the cruise-goers are running  
around, screaming, while Hunter, in his ever-so-innocent state,  
continues to eat his scones]  
**HUNTER**: [still singing] Scones, scones, I love my scones, more than  
cake and ice cream cones ...  
**MORGAN**: What about me?  
**HUNTER**: What ABOUT you?  
**MORGAN**: [sniffles angrily] Fine, then! That's it! [blows up the  
buffet with witch-fire, thus disintegrating all of the scones]  
[dramatic chord]  
**HUNTER**: [in shock] My ... my ... my ... my ... scones? Scones? [starts to wail  
like a baby] SCOOOOOOONES!!!!! MY SCONES!!!!!!!  
**MORGAN**: [drags him away by the ear, kicking and screaming] Come on,  
Hunter. You've embarrassed me enough today. Don't make a scene.  
**HUNTER**: But my scones and I ... we had unfinished business ... my scones ...  
scones ... [sniffles]  
**SKY**: [sighs] We have got to get him off of this craze.  
**RAVEN**: I thought that you liked scones, too.  
**SKY**: SCONES??? WHERE???  
**RAVEN**: You dork. [meanwhile, Lindsey scolds Jeff and Bill]  
**LINDSEY**: You stupid squirrels! How could you do this? You promised me  
that you would never incite the destruction of a buffet table after  
what happened last time!  
**JEFF / BILL**: [squeak excuses]  
**LINDSEY**: I don't want to hear it! You're grounded!  
**JEFF / BILL**: [droop sadly] [scamper off to Lindsey's cabin]  
  
** [Scene: later that night. Hunter is missing. No one really cares.  
(hahahahahahaha...take that, Hunter) Sky walks into her bathroom to take  
a shower and sees Hunter in a bubble bath with a rubber ducky and a  
scrub brush.]  
**  
**SKY**: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BATHROOM???  
**HUNTER**: [cheerfully] You've actually got shampoo! Morgan used all of  
mine.  
**SKY**: Do you even know what shampoo is?  
**HUNTER**: Um ... the product of a shampoo tree?  
**SKY**: I can't believe I'm related to you.  
**HUNTER**: Mr. Ducky takes offense to that.  
**SKY**: MR. DUCKY????  
**HUNTER**: [points to the rubber ducky] He's my bathing buddy. You're  
invading our personal privacy. Please leave.  
**SKY**: Gladly. [as she is leaving, she sees Raven about to go into the  
bathroom to take a shower] Wait! Believe me, you do NOT want to go in  
there. [gets a confused look] Just don't.  
  
[**Scene: Morgan's room later. She is writing in her Book of Shadows and  
about to go to bed when she hears Raven yelling something.]  
**  
**RAVEN**: [sounding pissed off] HEY!!! WHERE DID ALL OF MY SEX OILS GO???  
**HUNTER**: [worried] Then that wasn't shampoo that I used ...  
**MORGAN**: Ick.  
  
** [Scene: the deck later. The coven is talking at the pool.]**  
  
**MORGAN**: Why haven't we seen Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin in a while?  
**BREE**: I don't know. They're probably just off doing something dark.  
**MIKE**: [coming up behind them] You're darkly observant.  
**BREE**: Um ... thanks? [looks around nervously] Is Bill anywhere nearby?  
**ROBBIE**: WHY DO YOU CARE???  
**BREE**: I DON'T WANT HIM NEAR ME!!!  
**ROBBIE**: OH!!!  
**BREE**: STOP YELLING AT ME!!!  
**ROBBIE**: YOU'RE YELLING AT ME!!!  
**BREE**: MY THROAT HURTS FROM ALL OF THIS YELLING!!!  
**MORGAN**: THEN WHY DON'T YOU STOP YELLING???  
**BREE**: [normal] Geez, Morgan, you don't have to yell. We're right next  
to you.  
**MORGAN**: [groans in frustration]  
[suddenly, there is a huge crashing sound as the cruise ship (the  
really big one) crashes headlong into a deserted island. The ship  
sinks in a matter of minutes. Everyone dies, except the gang.  
Unfortunately, Alisa and Hunter survived as well (sigh ... can't have it  
all, I suppose). The gang is now stranded on the deserted island (dun  
dun dun)]  
**MORGAN**: Hey, where did Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin go?  
**HUNTER**: Maybe they sank with the ship.  
[mourning silence]  
**BREE**: Or maybe they didn't.  
[shudders all around]  
**ROBBIE**: So now we're trapped here. On a deserted island. In the middle  
of nowhere. With no food. Or water.  
**HUNTER**: There's water all around us! [goes to cower behind a big rock]  
**MORGAN**: Is he afraid of water?  
**SKY**: It was a childhood incident. Don't expect me to elaborate.  
**MORGAN**: I thought that he was still a child. He sure acts like one.  
**HUNTER**: I DO NOT!!! WAAAAAHHH! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!! [runs off  
somewhere. No one cares. Again]  
**BREE**: So I guess that we should find a method of survival, considering  
that we could be stranded here for the rest of our lives.  
**ALISA**: I'm scared!  
**MORGAN**: Shut up.  
**ALISA**: I still don't like you.  
**MORGAN**: I NEVER liked you!!! I didn't even invite you on this cruise!  
**ALISA**: Like, whatever. I'm going to find something to eat. [wanders  
off into the palm tree forest (The BIG palm tree forest)]  
**MORGAN**: Does anyone else hear the sky talking?  
**SKY**: I didn't say anything.  
**MORGAN**: Not you! [sighs] Never mind.  
**ROBBIE**: I don't want to be stuck here for fifty years with you guys! I  
love you and all, but this island is only so big! [they all glare at  
him] Um ... I love you guys?  
**BREE**: [sobs] YOU TOLD ME I WAS THE ONLY ONE!!! [runs off into the  
forest. Robbie runs after her]  
**ROBBIE**: Bree! Wait! [they disappear into the foliage]  
**HUNTER**: Lookie what I found! [holds out a coconut] Isn't she great?  
**MORGAN**: Um ...  
**HUNTER**: [talking to the coconut] Yes, you IS great!!! You're my  
soulmate! I've finally found you!  
**MORGAN**: [sobs] What about me?  
**HUNTER**: I thought that you were my muirn beatha dan, Morgan, but I've  
changed my mind. You see, this coconut is the only one who understands  
me for who I really am.  
**RAVEN**: A dork?  
**MORGAN**: But Hunter ... you said that you would always love me! You said  
that we would be together forever!  
**HUNTER**: Who are you again?  
**MORGAN**: [slaps him] I feel so unloved! [runs off into the forest,  
wailing like a banshee]  
**COCONUT**: [silence]  
**HUNTER**: You tell her, Morgana!  
**SKY**: MORGANA???  
**HUNTER**: It's her name.  
**SKY**: You mean the coconut's name?  
**HUNTER**: It hurts her when you refer to her as 'the coconut'.  
**RAVEN**: [rolls eyes]  
**SKY**: [to Raven, slowly backing away from Hunter and his emanating  
dorkiness] Maybe we should ... go ... find the others ... [they both run  
away in fear from Hunter, who is too busy making googly eyes at his  
coconut to notice that they have left]  
  
** [Scene: somewhere in the palm tree forest (the BIG palm tree forest).  
Morgan, Robbie, and Bree are dancing around a bonfire with a dead  
ferret roasting rotisserie-style on a skewer.]  
**  
**MORGAN / ROBBIE / BREE**: Ahhhh eeeaaahh eeaaaahh eahhhh!!! [bang tribal  
drums while dancing]  
[Sky and Raven walk into the forest and see them. They stare at them  
for a moment before running away again. They run into Alisa]  
**ALISA**: [brightly] Hey, guys!  
**SKY**: Are you still looking for food?  
**ALISA**: Yeah. I haven't found anything yet.  
**RAVEN**: [points back towards Morgan, Robbie, and Bree's camp] There's  
some that-a-way.  
**ALISA**: [cheerfully] Okie dokie! [runs off in the direction of the  
camp]  
**SKY**: We shouldn't have done that.  
**RAVEN**: But it was fun.  
**SKY**: True, true ... let's go see what happens!  
**RAVEN**: Okay! [they follow Alisa at a distance. When they return to the  
camp, they see that Robbie, Bree, and Morgan have tied Alisa to the  
skewer and are now roasting her rotisserie-style]  
**SKY**: Did they already eat the ferret?  
**RAVEN**: Where did they get a ferret, anyway?  
**SKY**: [contemplative pause] I ... don't ... know ...  
[as they pause, Morgan, Robbie, and Bree continue to dance around the  
fire as Alisa is cooked to a crisp (icky)]  
**ALISA**: Hey, something tickles ... [dies]  
**MORGAN** / **ROBBIE** / **BREE**: Ahhhh eeeaaahh eeaaaahh eahhhh!!! [bang tribal  
drums again and then devour Alisa whole]  
**SKY**: Our friends have become cannibalistic.  
**RAVEN**: So what are we doing here? [they both run off in the fear that  
they might be eaten]  
**SKY**: I wonder what made them turn into cannibals ...  
**RAVEN**: Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe the total and complete LACK OF  
FOOD???  
[they see Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin walking through the forest]  
**SKY**: Or maybe them ... [strides up to them angrily] Are you the ones  
that made our friends turn into cannibals?  
[Lindsey and Kristin both stare at Mike angrily]  
**MIKE**: Hey, they did it of their own dark accord! [pause, then quietly]  
I DID set up the rotisserie skewer, though. [still is stared at]  
HEY!!! THAT'S REALLY CREEPY!!! STOP IT!!!  
[Kristin stops. Lindsey doesn't. Mike runs. He is followed by Jeff]  
**SKY**: Is Jeff joining Mike? [pause, then to herself] I can't believe  
that I'm contemplating the allegiance issues of a squirrel.  
**LINDSEY**: Well, it's more of a tracking device kind of thing.  
**KRISTIN**: He makes sure that Mike doesn't do anything TOO dark. Like  
try and take over the world. [to herself] Again.  
**SKY**: CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO THE ISSUE AT HAND, WHICH IS THAT OUR  
FRIENDS ARE NOW KILLING EACH OTHER AND WE STILL HAVE NO WAY OFF OF  
THIS ISLAND?  
**KRISTIN**: We could teleport you out.  
**SKY**: We have to go back and get Hunter first. [they all go and find  
Hunter with ... his ... coconut. Morgana. What a dork] Goddess, this thing  
annoys me. [takes the coconut and throws it into the ocean]  
**HUNTER**: MORGANA!!! [runs off into the ocean to find Morgana. Gets  
eaten by a shark. Dies]  
[all stare at Lindsey]  
**LINDSEY**: It's not Maurice. I don't know that guy.  
**SHARK**: Hey! I know Maurice! He's my cousin!  
**LINDSEY**: Oh! You must be Filbert! He mentioned you on his last visit!  
[Lindsey and the shark begin to converse in shark-speak while the  
others back away slowly and teleport out without her noticing them]  
**KRISTIN**: [teleports back in, grabs Lindsey, and leaves again]  
**FILBERT**: Rude much?  
  
**[Scene: Morgan, Robbie, and Bree's camp. They are done devouring  
Alisa, nothing of which remains. Not even a skeleton. Mike arrives.]  
**  
**MIKE**: I think they're onto us.  
**MORGAN**: Ah, well. It's not like any of them can stop us.  
**ROBBIE**: Yeah. We're forming a new country. Screw New York.  
**BREE**: Will you be our king, Mike?  
**MIKE**: Sure. But what is our country called?  
**MORGAN**: How about ... um ... MikeMorganBreeRobbie-Land?  
**MIKE**: Sure! [teleports himself in a crown and throne] I, Mike, single  
ruler and dictator for life of MikeMorganBreeRobbie-Land ... how about  
just the Republic of MMBR?  
**MORGAN**: [looking at him all stupid-like] What does that stand for?  
**MIKE**: Um ... Morgan Must Be Roasted?  
[they all close in on Morgan and proceed to roast her, rotisserie-  
style, on the dark skewer]  
  
** HERE ENDS THE PARODY**


	8. The Randomness of Sugar

**Disclaimer**: This was written during a sugar high that left hundreds injured and thousands without chocolate or candy. I'm sure that you all heard about it on the news. BTW, we don't own Sweep. (not yet, at least)  
  
**[Scene: an outside café. The gang is eating lunch.]**  
  
**MORGAN**: I love food.  
**BREE**: So do I.  
**ROBBIE**: I love Bree.  
**RAVEN**: So do I.  
[horrified stares]  
**SKY**: I feel so UNLOVED! [runs off, sobbing]  
**RAVEN**: [after Sky] Wait! I love you more! Wait! Don't go in there!  
Stop! [they hear crashes and yells]  
**JENNA**: I like pudding.  
**MORGAN**: Hey, Bree, we have PE tomorrow.  
**BREE**: Damn. I hate PE.  
**HUNTER**: I finally get a line!  
**KILLIAN**: My line is bigger because I'm cool and you're a smarmy bloke  
... that I hate!  
**HUNTER**: Don't mess with me! I'm ... [ominously] a council member!  
**MIKE**: [teleports in] I HATE THE COUNCIL!!! [blasts Hunter with dark  
magick. Hunter is dead]  
[Mike teleports out]  
**MORGAN**: I see dead people!  
**JENNA**: I like pudding.  
**KILLIAN**: I'm Irish and I'm hot!  
[Bree and Robbie look at each other and start to make out]  
**ALISA**: Hi! I just showed up with no explanation whatsoever!  
**MORGAN**: I can levitate things! [levitates a flower petal]  
**ALISA**: AAAHHH! I'm scared! I hate you, Morgan!  
[Sky and Raven come back with ripped clothes]  
**SKY**: I'm back.  
**RAVEN**: Of course you are, Ms. Points-Out-The-Obvious.  
**MORGAN**: Were you two just –  
**SKY**: No. I got hit by a car.  
**MORGAN**: Oh, because what with the ripped clothes, I thought that –  
**ALL**: We know, Morgan.  
**SKY**: [to Raven] Let's go make out.  
**RAVEN**: [pause] Okay. [they leave]  
**KILLIAN**: Does this have a plot line?  
**HUNTER**: No, not really. I think that it's a dreadfully awful thing.  
**MORGAN**: Aren't you supposed to be dead?  
**HUNTER**: What? Oh, yeah ... right ... [dies]  
**JENNA**: I like –  
**MORGAN**: Pudding?  
**JENNA**: Well, that ... and fruitcake.  
**ROBBIE**: I'm a fruitcake!  
**KILLIAN**: I'm gone. [teleports out]  
**BREE**: Let's bring Hunter back to life.  
**HUNTER**: I'd like that.  
**ROBBIE**: I guess you're alive again, huh?  
**HUNTER**: Indubitably.  
**MORGAN**: Let's make out!  
**HUNTER**: Okay! [insert makeout session]  
**JENNA**: I miss Matt!  
**ALISA**: I don't like you, Morgan! I'm going to become a bitch!  
**MORGAN**: No problems here. [calls Ciaran] Hey, Da, could you come here  
for a moment?  
**CIARAN**: Hello! What do you want, oh darling daughter of mine?  
**MORGAN**: [whiney] Alisa hates me!  
**CIARAN**: Okay. [kills Alisa with evil witch-fire]  
**MORGAN**: [sweetly] Thank you, Daddy!  
**HUNTER**: [flipping out] EVIL PERSON! I MUST SAVE MORGAN!  
**CIARAN**: Fare thee well. [teleports out]  
**BREE**: Who was that?  
**ROBBIE**: Morgan's real dad.  
**BREE**: Oh.  
**JENNA**: Does anyone know where my dolphin earrings are?  
**ALL**: No.  
**JENNA**: [droops] Okay. [Raven and Sky come back as Alisa sits up]  
**ALISA**: I'm alive!  
**RAVEN**: [sarcastically] Oh, great.  
**SKY**: Let's skip forward to tomorrow.  
**ALL**: Okay.  
  
**[Scene: the next day at school. It's PE Time!!!]  
**  
**MORGAN**: I hate PE!  
**BREE**: I think that PE should burn and die, consumed in the flames of a  
thousand evils! Mwahahahahahaha!  
**MORGAN**: That, too.  
**COACH JOHN**: We are now going to start archery. Morgan, you're first.  
[Morgan shoots the arrow, but it ricochets off of a tree and shoots  
through a window of the school, hitting Alisa and killing her]  
**MORGAN**: [stunned pause] ... oh, well.  
**BREE**: Nice shot!  
**COACH JOHN**: Next is ... HEY, YOU!!! COME BACK HERE WITH OUR EQUIPMENT!!!  
[Lindsey is running off with the bow and arrows]  
**LINDSEY**: Kiss my ass, Robin Hood! Mwahahahahahahaha – [runs into a  
car. The car alarm goes off. Lindsey pauses. Shrugs. Keeps going]  
hahahahaha! [continues psycho-maniac laughter until she teleports  
away]  
**MORGAN**: Where are they all coming from?  
**KRISTIN**: [teleports in] Have you guys seen Lindsey?  
**BREE**: Yeah, she was just here.  
**MORGAN**: She took all of our archery stuff and ran away with it.  
**KRISTIN**: Really?! Goddess, she promised me that she wouldn't do this  
again after what happened last time! [teleports out]  
**MORGAN**: Last time?  
**JENNA**: I like pudding.  
**BREE**: Aren't you supposed to be in class?  
**JENNA**: I like fruitcake.  
**MORGAN**: Okay ...  
**BREE**: Let's skip to after school.  
**MORGAN**: Okie-dokie!  
  
** [Scene: after school at Hunter's house.]**  
  
**ETHAN**: I'm in the story!  
**SHARON**: I am, too! Yay!  
**HUNTER**: So ...  
**SKY**: So ...  
[insert writer's block. More sugar is required]  
[we're back! Yay!]  
**MORGAN**: So ...  
**HUNTER**: I have scones! [pulls out a plate of scones]  
**MATT**: I'm in the story! And I have M&M's! [pulls out a bag of mini  
M&M's]  
**LINDSEY**: [teleports in] M&M'S! FOOD!!! MINE!!! [attacks Matt and takes  
his M&M's]  
**MATT**: [wounded with a black eye, nosebleed, and fractured wrist] My ...  
[gasps] M&M's ... NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
**LINDSEY**: [insanely] THEY'RE MINE! ALL MINE! [evil laughter] Mwahahaha!  
[teleports out]  
**BREE**: She just likes to take what she wants, doesn't she?  
**ROBBIE**: So it would seem.  
**RAVEN**: Am I the only one noticing how crazy Hunter is? And not in a  
good way.  
**SKY**: He just likes scones.  
**HUNTER**: [stuffing his face like Homer Simpson] Mmmmmm ... scones ...  
**MORGAN**: I'm so ashamed.  
**MEXICAN** **CAT**: I like chicken.  
[nobody hears him]  
**MEXICAN CAT**: [louder] I like chicken!  
[he is unheard]  
**MEXICAN CAT**: [really loud] I LIKE CHICKEN!!!  
[at that, a tremor shakes the world and birds fly from the trees, some  
of which fall over]  
[the gang only notices the tremor]  
**ROBBIE**: That was weird.  
**BREE**: It felt like an earthquake.  
**MEXICAN** CAT: Stupid humans.  
**MORGAN**: This is boring. Let's skip ahead to tonight.  
**BREE**: Okay.  
  
**[Scene: later that night. Morgan is asleep in bed. Let's see what  
she's dreaming ...]  
**  
**HUNTER**: [in Morgan's dream] Follow the bunny rabbits, follow the bunny  
rabbits, weeeee! La la la la la la ...  
[Morgan wakes up]  
**MORGAN**: [pause] Huh.  
  
**[Scene: the next day after school at Hunter's.]  
**  
**MORGAN**: Hey, Hunter, I had the weirdest dream about you last night.  
[everyone comes out of their individual conversations to listen  
intently]  
**HUNTER**: Go ahead and tell us, my love! Dreams always mean something.  
**MORGAN**: Okay. I had a dream that you were running through a field of  
wildflowers singing "follow the bunny rabbits". [everyone looks at  
Hunter]  
**HUNTER**: [stunned pause] [whines] Who told you that? I didn't do that!  
I ... um ... SKY!  
**SKY**: [to Hunter, quietly] Hunter, I didn't say anything.  
**HUNTER**: Oh ... well, then ... um ... [suddenly] Who wants some food? I'm  
going to get food. From the kitchen! Yes! Food ... from the kitchen ...  
food ... [runs into the kitchen]  
**LINDSEY**: He's a loony ninny.  
**KRISTIN**: [giggles] Loony ninny, loony ninny, loony ninny ...  
**BREE**: Where did you two come from?  
[Kristin and Lindsey exchange a look]  
[silence ensues]  
[the sugar is gone! Must find more!] [Yay! The sugar is found! Chocolate cookies and milk!]  
**LINDSEY**: Maharani!  
**MIKE**: What does that mean?  
**KRISTIN**: [about to jump in with an explanation] Well, it's quite  
simple. It's –  
**LINDSEY**: Oh, would you look at that? I have to go ... categorize ... my ...  
squirrels.  
**KRISTIN**: That's not hard. There's just Bill and Jeff. In that order.  
**LINDSEY**: Oh, no, there are many more.  
**KRISTIN**: WHAT HAVEN'T YOU BEEN TELLING ME??? HOW MANY MORE???  
**LINDSEY**: More than you think. [teleports out]  
**KRISTIN**: Mike? Did you know about this?  
**MIKE**: Um ... no? I didn't know, I swear! I didn't know a thing!  
[whimpers] She's darkly scary now!  
**KRISTIN**: [just shakes her head] [teleports out]  
**MIKE**: Well ... I guess it's just me now. [pause] LET THE DARKNESS REIGN!  
[begins to do a synchronized dance to "Toxic" by Britney Spears.  
Everyone runs]  
**MIKE**: [singing along] And I love what you're doing, don't you know  
that you're toxic ... [stops] What? I'm a good dancer! [grabs a plate of  
funnel cake and teleports out]  
**HUNTER**: Malalalalalalalalalalalalalalala loooooooooo –  
**MORGAN**: It's weird when you do that.  
**HUNTER**: I know. [begins to sing] Somewhere over the rainbow, way up  
high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby ...  
**RAVEN**: Why don't you go visit it, Hunter? [she kicks his ass into next  
week. Hunter arrives in the wonderful land of Oz]  
**HUNTER**: Wow! This is my life's goal!  
**GLINDA** **THE** **GOOD**: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?  
**HUNTER**: I'M A COUNCIL MEMBER! WHAT DO YOU THINK, LADY?  
**GLINDA** **THE** **GOOD**: You will die for your insubordination. [kills him  
with her twinkly little wand]  
**HUNTER**: [wakes up and realizes that it was just a figment of his  
imagination from his little trip to unconscious-land] Aww ...  
**MORGAN**: Hunter! Are you okay?  
**HUNTER**: [sobs] She killed me! Glinda killed me! I was always her  
number-one fan and she KILLED me!  
**LINDSEY**: Glinda's evil! Haven't you seen WICKED, the best Broadway  
musical ever?  
**HUNTER**: No.  
**LINDSEY**: HAHA! I pity you. The Witch of the West is my homey!  
**SKY**: She was hot in the movie.  
[gets stares]  
**RAVEN**: WHAT??? SHE WAS ALL OLD AND SHE HAD WARTS AND SHE WAS REALLY  
GROSS!!!  
**SKY**: Oh, sorry, I meant that Dorothy was hot.  
**RAVEN**: Judy Garland?  
**SKY**: Yes, that was her name.  
**RAVEN**: [shrugs] Whatever floats your boat. [seductively] Maybe I  
should dress up like her and see what kind of response I get.  
**SKY**: Please don't let that be sarcasm.  
**HUNTER**: [quickly to Lindsey] If the Witch of the West is your homey,  
then you must be evil!  
**LINDSEY**: [pause] So? Your point?  
**HUNTER**: If you're evil, then I must strip you of your powers. It's  
council protocol!  
**LINDSEY**: You'll have to catch me first! [shape-shifts into a squirrel  
and scampers away]  
**HUNTER**: Hey! Shape-shifting is against council regulations!  
**MORGAN**: But I shape-shifted.  
**HUNTER**: You did?  
**MORGAN**: YOU WERE THERE!!!  
**HUNTER**: Oh, yeah! Now I remember! You can get off.  
**MORGAN**: Okay.  
[they all suddenly get transported into a game of THE SIMS, where all  
die because Hunter foolishly attempts to make burgers on the grill]  
  
**[Scene: the normal world.]  
**  
**MIKE**: They're gone! Finally!  
**KRISTIN**: What was that plan that you were talking about before? The  
one to take over the world?  
**MIKE**: Oh, yeah. [giggles] That's a good plan.  
[Lindsey comes in on a flying horse, followed by hoards of flying  
squirrels]  
**LINDSEY**: Are you guys ready to take over the world now?  
**KRISTIN**: Yeah.  
**MIKE**: Sure.  
[they go and take over the world]  
  
**FINIS**


	9. A Sweep Christmas

**Disclaimer**: It's great to be back after a month of no access to my computer ... [sighs in relief] I was going through withdrawal ... anyway, I wrote this when I was very bored, so it might not make sense all of the time. Anyway, read it and review! [sobs] I missed you guys! Love you all!

**A SWEEP CHRISTMAS**

**[Scene: the Rowlands house at Christmastime (yes, Christmas, not Yule). Morgan bounds excitedly down the hall, which is decked with boughs of holly.]**

**MORGAN**: [singing off-key] Deck the halls with boughs of holly! Fa la la la la, la la la la!

**MARY K**: I thought that you didn't believe in Christmas anymore.

**MORGAN**: Just because I don't believe in Jesus doesn't mean that I don't want to celebrate Christmas, which has since the aforementioned man's birth become not a religious holiday, but a celebration of consumerism and the big business endeavors of Wal-Mart and Toys 'R Us.

**MARY K**: [making a new entry in her '101 Things That My Sister Will Go To Hell For' List'] December 22: Morgan issued a blatant insult against and questioned the authority of Wal-Mart.

**MORGAN**: [ignoring her] Hey, Mom, is it okay if some of my friends invited me to a ... um ... [thinks about Kithic's Yule party] Christmas celebration tomorrow?

**MRS. ROWLANDS**: Of course, honey! Will the friends all be of the non-Wiccan variety?

**MORGAN**: [sensing the poison behind her mother's words] Um, yes?

**MRS. ROWLANDS**: [nods eerily] Good. [cheers up] Will you be exchanging gifts?

**MORGAN**: [spazzes suddenly as she remembers that Kithic had decided to do a Wiccan version of Secret Santa] Oh, no! I've got to go shopping! [runs out, jumps in Das Boot, and heads to the mall]

**[Scene: the mall. Morgan wanders through the crowds of Christmastime shoppers and, unable to remember who she picked to be her Secret Santa, decides to get a gift for everyone.]**

**MORGAN**: Hmmm ... what to get for Hunter? As he is my boyfriend and soulmate, it must be something special. [sees a toy store] Perfect! [runs in, buys a Barney the Dinosaur stuffed animal, and leaves] Well, there's one down! Sky is next ... [thinks for a moment] [briefly considers a $50 gift certificate to Hooters] [wisely chooses a large spellbook of moon magick from Barnes & Noble instead] Now Robbie and Bree ... [gets Bree a gift card to Abercrombie & Fitch and a lifetime supply of acne medicine for Robbie just in case his acne should ever start acting up again] Okay! Cool! Now what would Raven like? [sees a leather outfitter] Wow, it's just my lucky day today, isn't it? [gets Raven a new leather jacket as Hunter used her old one to snuff out a wild candle fire at Kithic's last circle] [shudders at that frightening memory] Now Alisa ... [she sees something in the middle of the kiddy play place]

**ALISA**: [riding on a toy horse] Wheeee! I'm the queen of the world! [falls off]

**MORGAN**: [pause] Okay, Killian's turn! [buys him the gift certificate to Hooters that she previously considered giving Sky, figuring that he will get more use out of it] Hmmm ... I guess that I should get Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin something because they're my cousins ... [as if on cue, Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin pop in unexpectedly]

**MIKE**: I'd like a dark life-size replica of Monstro, the Demon of Eternal Fire.

**KRISTIN**: I want to get away from these two weirdoes!

**LINDSEY**: I want another squirrel! And Jeff and Bill need new squirrel leashes. [they pop out]

**MORGAN**: [shrugs] Okay. [buys everything that they asked for] [is unable to aid Kristin's request for liberation from her deranged siblings] [compromises by buying her a new stereo, as Lindsey ruined her last one by letting Jeff and Bill DJ at a squirrel hoedown] Okay, I think that's everyone. Except ... well, I should probably get something for Mom, Dad, and Mary K. [sees a cart selling fish sticks and biscuits] Or not! Food! Mine! [races over to the cart and eats all of the food there]

**CART OWNER**: Hey, missy, them's my fish sticks and biscuits!

**MORGAN**: I'll give you this gift certificate for Hooters if you'll make me more.

**CART OWNER**: Done and done! [makes her more fish sticks and biscuits, then races over to Hooters to get a lap dance]

**MORGAN**: [checks her watch] Oh, my good golly goodness! I promised Hunter that I would come over for dinner tonight! [sees a teleporter watch in the store window] Perfect! [pushes the big button to teleport to Hunter's house]

**[Scene: Hunter's house. He is making dinner in the kitchen and pauses slightly. Then ...] **

**HUNTER**: MORGAN!!! [runs to the door and opens it before Morgan even has a chance to knock] Hi, Morgan! [shyly] Do you love me?

**MORGAN**: Um ...

**HUNTER**: [eyes start to fill with tears]

**MORGAN**: Of course I do!

**HUNTER**: [pumps his fist in the air in jubilation] Yes! I have a girlfriend!

**MORGAN**: Hunter, we've been dating for over a year!

**HUNTER**: [stupidly] We have?

**MORGAN**: [hears angry yelling coming from the basement] Is that Sky?

**HUNTER**: [nervously] Um, no?

**MORGAN**: [sternly] Hunter ...

**HUNTER**: [meekly] I just tied her up and shoved her under the hot water heater in the basement so that we could have privacy, my love!

**MORGAN**: [shocked] You couldn't have just asked her to spend the night at Raven's???

**HUNTER**: Who's Raven?

**MORGAN**: [has a creepy thought] Hunter, do you have amnesia?

**HUNTER**: Who's Hunter? Is my name Hunter? [gasps] It is, isn't it? Man alive, why do I have such a STUPID name?

**MORGAN**: I always rather liked it. [pause] But, then, I'm going to name my future daughter Moira, so ... [shrugs]

**SKY**: [yelling from the basement] WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME OUT FROM UNDER THIS HOT WATER HEATER?

**HUNTER**: [sends a witch message] Raven, Sky is in trouble. Please come rescue her so that Morgan and I can have a romantic nighttime getaway.

**MAN BY RETURN WITCH MESSAGE**: [babbles in Chinese]

**HUNTER**: [calling down to Sky] Sky, I think that Raven is cheating on you again. Some guy answered her witch messages.

**SKY**: [sounding outraged] WHAT?

**MORGAN**: Hunter, because you didn't know who you were sending the message to, you sent it to someone in China. [sighs] What a doofus.

**RAVEN**: [rushes in through the door without bothering to say hi] [runs down to the basement]

**MORGAN**: Things just seem to happen randomly around here.

**HUNTER**: I know. It's quite odd. Just a few minutes ago, this blonde girl was chasing a bunch of squirrels through my kitchen, and then this brunette tried to get her to stop, and then this blonde guy with shaggy hair stole all of my black candles and cinnamon muffins.

**MORGAN**: You have muffins? Where? Where are the muffins? TELL ME! [manages to control herself] Okay ... [looks closely at Hunter] Geez, Hunter, what happened to you? Why did you lose your memory?

**SKY**: [having been rescued from the clutches of the basement by Raven] He hit his head on the hot water heater when he stuffed me under it. [points at him] You and I, mister, are going to have a very extensive talk.

**RAVEN**: And can I just say, if you EVER do anything like that to her again, I'll tell everyone about that time that I saw you crying over a 7th Heaven rerun. [grins as Morgan and Sky burst out laughing] Oops, I just did, didn't I? [to Morgan] Personally, I can't see why you're dating the guy.

**MORGAN**: [pauses, then shrugs] Yeah, you're right. We should just ship him off to the funny farm.

**[Scene: the funny farm. Hunter is sitting in the middle of a cornfield surrounded by pigs and cows.]**

**HUNTER**: Great. Just great.

**[Scene: Kithic's Christmas ... erm, Yule party. Everyone is concerned when Hunter doesn't show up.]**

**SHARON**: Thank goodness. I was hoping he wouldn't show.

**MORGAN**: Well, maybe 'concerned' isn't the right word.

**SKY**: [now the leader] Who wants to do the Secret Santa exchange?

**ALL**: Me!

**SKY**: Okay, cool. Morgan, do you want to go first?

**MORGAN**: [nervously] Um, no?

**SKY**: Fine, I will. I had Robbie. [hands him a gift]

**RAVEN**: Just as a question, you still got something for me, right?

**SKY**: Of course.

**RAVEN**: [sighs in relief]

**ROBBIE**: Oh, cool! An all-day pass for thirteen people to King's Dominion!

**SKY**: I was sort of hoping that you would invite the rest of us, too. However, since Hunter is busy at the moment, there's room for someone else.

**KILLIAN**: [sticks his head in through the door] Can I come?

**SKY / RAVEN**: No!

**KILLIAN**: [droops and leaves]

**ROBBIE**: Anyway, I had Raven. [hands her a box]

**RAVEN**: [opening the box to find a really sharp sword] Oh, my God! Wow! Robbie, where did you get this? [Bree preens on her chair, clearly jealous of the attention that Robbie is getting]

**ROBBIE**: [modestly] Well, I remembered that you said you liked medieval stuff, and this is an antique sword that I ... um ... stole from the history museum in New York City.

**RAVEN**: Really? [Robbie nods] Cool! [gets glares from Sky] Anyway, I had ... um ... [nervously] Jenna.

**JENNA**: [glares at her]

**RAVEN**: So I got her a $500 gift certificate to the mall in a please-forgive-me-for-stealing-your-boyfriend gesture. [looks hopefully at her]

**JENNA**: Really? $500? [Raven nods] Well, of course I forgive you. Matt's an ass, anyway.

**MATT**: Hey!

**JENNA**: Oh, don't try to deny it.

**MATT**: [starts to deny it, considers it, and then nods in consent]

**JENNA**: I had Thalia, and I got her a personally autographed and framed photo of Coco Chanel.

**THALIA**: [practically fainting] How did you get that? [squeals excitedly]

**JENNA**: My mom worked with her before I was born.

**BREE**: [very interested] Really???

**THALIA**: Wow! Cool! Thank you so much! [pause, then tosses something at Matt] I had Matt the Ass. No need to explicate.

**MATT**: [holds up his present, which is a T-Shirt that says "Matt the Ass" on it] [sarcastically] Gee, thanks, Thalia.

**THALIA**: [still giggling over her autographed photo of Coco Chanel] You're welcome!

**MATT**: Um, yeah. Well, I had Sky. [gives her a huge set of books]

**SKY**: [gasps] Volumes 1-10 of _Burkeshardt's Compendium of Magickal Rituals, Spell Components, Custard Recipes, and Gems & Crystals_? Thank you! [giggles] Matt the Ass.

**MATT**: [huffs in silence]

**SKY: **Anyway, I already did mine, so Bree, why don't you go next?

**BREE:** Okay. Um, I had Sharon. [gives her a humongous bead set] I know how much you love your jingly bracelets, so –

**SHARON:** Thank you, Bree! This is great! I can make hundreds of new ones with this. [to Ethan] Isn't that great, sweetie?

**ETHAN:** [just groans irritably]

**SHARON:** Um, yes, well, I had Ethan, to whom I just spoke and by whom I was just rejected. [gives him a humongous bag of green jellybeans] I know how you love them so.

**ETHAN:** [not amused] Hardy har har. I had Simon, and since I don't really know anything about him, I just got him a gift certificate to Harley Davidson. [Simon gives a little shriek, grabs the gift card, and runs out the door]

**SKY:** Hey, he left his gift behind. The tag says 'Alisa'.

**ALISA:** [going into happy seizures] Oh, my goodness! I got a present? I GOT A PRESENT??? [squeals and grabs the package, ripping the paper off] [discovers that it's a 'My Little Pony' doll]

**BREE:** [sympathetically] Oh, hon, don't worry. It's the thought that counts.

**MORGAN:** Yeah. I'm sure you can exchange it for something.

**ALISA:** Are you guys, like, crazy? This is the best gift ever! [starts to play with the pony doll]

**ALL:** Okay ...

**ALISA:** Oh, by the way, I had Bree. Here. [hands her a box and goes right on playing with her pony doll]

**BREE:** Um ... [opens the package to find a brunette Barbie with a prom dress]

**ALISA:** [cheerfully] See? She looks just like you! And her shoes are to die for! [anxiously] Do you like it? Do you like it? Do you like it?

**BREE:** Um ... of course I do. It's wonderful.

**ALISA:** Yay! I have a friend now!

**BREE:** Don't count on it. [Alisa is too lost in the happy to hear her]

**SKY:** Well, has everyone gone? [Morgan tries to hide in her chair] Wait, Morgan didn't go! As Hunter is the only one left and he's not here, you must have had him and he must have had you.

**MORGAN:** Oh ... right. That makes sense.

**SKY:** So what did you get him?

**MORGAN:** Um ... [shows everyone the Barney stuffed animal]

**SKY:** Oh, that's great. He'll love it.

**MORGAN:** [surprised] Really?

**SKY:** Totally. He went through a Barney phase just like every other little kid. Trouble was, it lasted until he was fifteen.

**MORGAN:** [gasps] Really? That's creepy! [grins] How long did yours last?

**SKY:** Two days. I realized early on that watching a man constantly high on ecstasy pretending to be a dinosaur and singing songs is not entertainment.

**MORGAN:** Good for you. anyway, I couldn't actually remember who I picked, so –

**BREE:** [shocked] WHAT?

**ROBBIE:** MORGAN, HOW COULD YOU?

**JENNA:** YOU VIOLATED THE SANCTITY OF SECRET SANTA!

**SHARON:** HOW COULD YOU FORGET?

**ALISA:** MY PONY IS HUNGRY!

**ETHAN:** FORGETTING YOUR SECRET SANTA IS THE WORST CRIME EVER!

**SKY:** IT'S PUNISHABLE BY DEATH IN BANGKOK!

**RAVEN:** LET'S BURN HER!

**BREE:** BURN THE WITCH!

**ROBBIE:** BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!

**MORGAN:** [now very scared] Um, guys, it's okay. Because I couldn't remember, I bought something for everyone.

**ALL:** [pause] Okay! Cool! [Morgan hands out her presents and everyone is happy. Aw. Alisa didn't even get something from Morgan, but she was happy playing with her pony toy all the same]

**ALISA:** Hey, guys, you want to take turns playing with Miss Sparkly Stars?

**ALL:** No!

**ALISA:** Hey, guys, you want to take turns playing with Miss Sparkly Stars?

**ALL:** [more agitated now] No!

**ALISA:** Hey, guys, you want to take turns playing with Miss Sparkly Stars?

**SKY**: [very frustrated] That's enough! [kills Alisa with witch-fire]

**MORGAN**: Thank you! [pause] I also got something for Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin, but they didn't show up, so I guess I can't give them their gifts. [as if on cue ...]

**LINDSEY**: To save the world from devastation!

**KRISTIN**: To unite all covens within our nation!

**LINDSEY**: To denounce the evils of truth and love!

**Kristin**: To extend our reach to the Goddess above!

**LINDSEY**: Lindsey!

**KRISTIN**: Kristin!

**LINDSEY / KRISTIN**: Coven Amyranth blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now or prepare –

**MORGAN**: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know. Prepare to fight.

**LINDSEY**: [pause] Actually, we changed it. Now, it's "Prepare ... to dance!"

[music starts playing from out of nowhere and Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin start dancing to "Jingle Bells". The coven looks at each other, shrugs, and start dancing and getting in touch with the Christmas ... erm, Yule spirit]

**ALISA**: [suddenly alive again, playing with Miss Sparkly Stars] I'm so pretty, I'm so pretty, I'm so pretty ... [dies yet again as a piece of the roof falls on her]

**HUNTER**: [pounding on the windows from outside] [no one can hear him] Hey, guys! Let me in! Let me in! [screams suddenly and runs off as a bunch of pigs and cows that escaped from the Funny Farm chase after him]

**THUS ENDS THE WONDERFUL TALE OF SWEEP: A CHRISTMAS STORY**


	10. The Randomness of Sugar, Part Two

**Disclaimer**: Hmm ... what can be said about this latest edition of Sweep: The Random Parodies? It lives up to its name of 'random', that's for sure. It doesn't make any sense at all. Feel free to flame us for the weirdness; we don't really care. It was fun writing this. BTW, if you don't think we're insane after you read this, then there's something wrong with you.

**[Scene: Morgan's bedroom. She is sitting on her bed, talking to herself.]**

**MORGAN**: Bubbles, bubbles, everywhere! Bubbles, bubbles, in my hair! Hehehehe! [the doorbell rings] I must go hence! [she runs down and opens the door. Hunter is standing there]

**HUNTER**: My love! I have come for thee!

**MORGAN**: Yay! I love ice cream!

[runs to an ice cream truck that has just pulled up and comes back with two enormous Italian ices]

**HUNTER**: Thanks! I love these!

**MORGAN**: MINE! [runs to the kitchen and finishes the ices with inhuman speed]

**HUNTER**: [looks at the ceiling and sees a spot of paint that doesn't belong there] I see EVIL!!! [blasts a hole through Morgan's roof just as her parents get home]

**MR. ROWLANDS**: My roof!

**MRS. ROWLANDS**: Stay away from my Morgan, you evil demon-possessed devil worshipper!

**MIKE**: [teleports in] Who calls The Mike?

**MRS. ROWLANDS**: [screams]

**MIKE**: Jolly good! [teleports out]

**MR. ROWLANDS**: I shall destroy you, demon! [advances on Hunter with a bat]

**HUNTER**: [screams]

[Morgan shoots witch fire at the bat, disintegrating it and thus saving her weaker boyfriend]

**MRS. ROWLANDS**: She has been possessed! Quick, Sean and Mary K, to the bomb shelter! [they all run down to the basement]

**MORGAN**: [yelling after them] Yeah ... well ... I never liked you anyway!

**HUNTER**: [pause] I love you.

**MORGAN**: I love you, too.

[insert makeout session]

**ROBBIE**: [runs through the open front door] Morgan, your parents weren't kidding! There really is a bomb in your house!

**HUNTER**: Let us be off!

[all three run out the door as the house blows up. Hehe ... we like explosions]

**MORGAN**: [turns to Hunter] Can I stay at your house?

**HUNTER**: Of course, my love!

[they walk off, leaving an unconscious Robbie lying on the ground]

**BREE**: [running up to Robbie] Robbie! Robbie! Are you okay?

**ROBBIE**: [waking up] Peachy. Just peachy.

[pause]

[makeout session]

**LINDSEY**: [running up followed by two squirrels] [to the squirrels] Hurry or she'll catch up!

**KRISTIN**: [also coming out of nowhere] Come back here! You aren't supposed to throw bowling balls at passing cars! It's not good for your wrists!

[the two girls and two squirrels disappear as suddenly as they came]

**BREE**: [pause] Let's go get some lunch!

**ROBBIE**: Okay.

[as they start to go to Bree's car, they hear a scream and turn to see Alisa running up the street]

**ALISA**: THE MAGICK! IT SCARES ME!

[as she runs, Mike pops up out of nowhere]

**MIKE**: You annoying little freak! I shall sacrifice you to the goat lords of Bill Nye's science!

[he chases after Alisa]

**ROBBIE**: [pause] So are we going or not?

**BREE**: I have to find my keys.

[as they start to leave, a bowling ball crashes through the front windshield, hitting Robbie in the head]

**ROBBIE**: Blue-butted baboons ... [slumps over, unconscious]

**BREE**: How could you look at others?! You said I was the only one! I thought you loved me! [gets out of the car and runs off crying]

**LINDSEY**: [from nowhere] I win! Take that, Jeff!

**KRISTIN**: Lindsey!!!! [Lindsey teleports away, followed by Kristin]

**[Scene: Morgan's makeshift bed at Hunter's house. She is dreaming ...]**

**DREAM BOY**: Hi! I'm Stoon!

**DREAM MORGAN**: Who are you?

**DREAM STOON**: I'm Stoon. I rule over Stoon-Land. I'm the king of the Stoon Posse. Some call me Lord Stoon. My full name is Stoon Rune. Although most call me Stoon.

**DREAM MORGAN**: This is weird. So this is your kingdom? [looks out over the fields of happy bunnies and pigs]

**DREAM STOON**: Yep! Isn't it great? [checks his watch] Ack! I have to go! Jakers! The Adventures of Piggly-Wink is on! [runs off to watch a show about animated pigs]

**DREAM MORGAN**: Um ... okay. [wanders through the fields of happiness in Stoon-Land. Sees a guinea pig sitting in the middle of a field] Um, hi. What's your name?

**GUINEA PIG**: I am ... um ... well, they call me the Sow Pig.

**DREAM MORGAN**: Really? That's a cool name.

**GUINEA PIG**: Yes. But ... um ... most call me Blinky.

**DREAM MORGAN**: Awesome, girl! Rock on! [pause] I have no idea what I'm doing here. Stoon-Land is weird! I'm going somewhere else! [in the style of Spongebob Squarepants, she hops over into Hunter's dream]

**DREAM HUNTER**: [sitting in his dream, surrounded by stuffed animals at a tea party] Would you like some more tea, Mr. Bunny? Oh, you WOULD? Wonderful, because I made plenty! [pours Mr. Bunny some tea]

**DREAM MORGAN**: [pause] Okay ... [hops over into Sky's dream] [sees Dream Raven and Dream Killian making out] Aw, poor Sky is having a nightmare. [shoots witch fire at Dream Killian and kills him] [Dream Sky cheers] That's better. [hops over to Bree's dream]

**DREAM TV ANNOUNCER**: Congratulations, Bree Warren! You've just won a $1,000,000,000 gift certificate to The Gap!

**DREAM BREE**: [gasps and faints]

**DREAM MORGAN**: Typical Bree. [hops over to Robbie's dream]

**DREAM TV ANNOUNCER**: Congratulations, Robbie Gurevitch! You've just won a $1,000,000,000 gift certificate to The Las Vegas Strip Club!

**DREAM BREE**: [slaps Dream-Robbie]

**DREAM MORGAN**: Um ... okay ... [hops over to Raven's dream] [sees Dream Raven and Dream Sky making out] Geez, Raven, do you ever think about anything else?

**DREAM RAVEN**: Oh, come on. Can you honestly tell me that Dream Sky isn't a hottie?

**DREAM MORGAN**: [pause] [then shrugs] Whatever. [thinks for a long moment] I never have dreams about Hunter like that.

**DREAM SKY**: Then you should seriously question your relationship with him.

**DREAM MORGAN**: [remembers visiting Hunter's tea party] Oh, believe me, I am. [hops into Alisa's dream]

**DREAM ALISA**: I'm a unicorn!

**DREAM MORGAN**: [pause] [backs away verrry slowly and leaves] [wakes up in her real bed]

**MORGAN**: [pause] Hmm ... I want an ice cream sandwich. [goes and gets an ice cream sandwich] [ice cream sandwiches are good] [do not question the authority of the ice cream sandwich] [Paul the Penguin Lord will strike you down miserably if you do!!! Hahaha!]

**[Scene: a few weeks later. Morgan walks over to Hunter's house. She walks in and can't find him.]**

**MORGAN**: Hunter! Where are you? [walks outside to find Hunter howling at the moon] Hunter! What are you doing?

**HUNTER**: [flips out and attacks Morgan]

**MORGAN**: Ahhh! He's a werewolf! [dies]

**HUNTER**: [runs off into the night to stalk more terrified victims and bring about their gory deaths ... hehehe]

[Professor Lupin from Harry Potter happens upon the scene. He looks at Morgan's body]

**PROFESSOR LUPIN**: Oh, dear.

**USE THE FORCE, LUKE**

**MORGAN**: Hunter! That's not what it's supposed to say!

**HUNTER**: But I _like _Star Wars!

**MORGAN**: [with a deadly glare] I hope you don't mean you like Princess Leia!

**HUNTER**: [whimpers] No ...

**MORGAN**: Good. [changes the end]

**THE END**

**HUNTER**: But that's just plain boring!

**MORGAN**: Oh, shut up.


	11. The Randomness of Sugar, Part Three

**Disclaimer**: ...

_The camera zooms in on two writers. They are the beloved writers of _Sweep: The Random Parodies_. There is silence._

**Writer #2**: Clap or I shall destroy you!

_Everyone applauds. The camera focuses on Writer #1 ... the sane one._

**Writer #1**: What am I supposed to say?

**Writer #2**: Flash player ... remember?

**Writer # 1**: Oh! Right! If you want to see this as a Flash Player movie thingy, please send us $500.

**Writer #2**: Or, if that sounds like too much, 500 people could send us $1 each.

**Writer #1**: Right. So -

**Writer #2**: Or two people could send us $250 each.

**Writer #1**: Yeah. Anyway -

**Writer #2**: Or five people could send us $100 each.

**Writer #1**: I think they get it. So -

**Writer #2**: Or ten people could send us $50 each ... or 100 people send us $5 each ... or twenty people could send us $25 each ... or 25 people could send us $20 each ... or -

**Writer #1**: WILL YOU STOP THAT! WE GET IT!!!

**Writer #2**: Sorry. I just get so fascinated by math sometimes ...

**Writer #1**: Right ... so ... anyways, if -

**Writer #2**: Do you know that, in just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday?!?!

**Writer #1**: _THAT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS!!! SO WILL YOU STOP AND LET ME FINISH ASKING THESE PEOPLES FOR MONEY?!?!?!_

**Writer #2**: Oops ... sorry.

**Writer #1**: Okay ... so you can send us money and we'll make it a Flash movie thing ... if my accomplice hasn't already scared you off ...

**Writer #2**: HEY!!!

**Writer #1**: Well, you can't say you don't scare people off.

**Writer #2**: Well, how was I supposed to know that yelling at someone in squirrel would scare them off?

**Writer #1**: _shakes her head _You are really weird ... _#2 glares at her_ I mean, in a sort of good way ... _#2 stops glaring_Anyway ... Oh, yeah ... we don't own _Sweep_.

**Writer #2**: Or Harry Potter ... _to herself_ That woman just won't sell ... time for plan Make-Rowling-Give-Me-Rights-To-Harry-Potter-Or-I'll-Blow-Her-Up!

**Writer #1**: _Backs away a little_Ooooooookay then ... let's get on with the story now.

_The camera starts to fade out ... but as it does ... _

**Writer #2**: I like squirrels!

**Writer #1**: _points at her_You! Be quiet!

_When camera is almost completely dark ..._

**Writer #2**: _whispers_Squirrel!

**Writer #1**: STOP IT!!!

_The camera is completely dark ..._ _CRASH!_

**Writer #2**: Oops!

**Writer #1**: What did you DO?!?!?!?!

_Lights come on_

**Writer #2**: _holding a hammer, screwdriver, and a bottle of super glue _Nothing!!!!_ mumbles to herself_Come on! Work, you stupid thing!

**Writer #1**: _walks over to where #2 is standing next to a broken projector_... Did you let Jeff and Bill in here?

**Writer #2**: Um ... no ... maybe ... yes.

**Writer #1**: Urg!!! How many times have I told you? _Those two squirrels are not allowed in the projector room!!!_

**Writer #2**: _trying to fix the projector_Well, I don't think it's RIGHT ... segregating them like that ... IT HURTS THEIR FEELINGS!!

**Writer #1**: _Well, I don't want the projector destroyed by two furry little destructive hurricanes!!!_

**Writer #2**: _after fixing the projector as much as she could__Well, aren't you compassionate!!! _

_The projector starts to play and the lights start to dim with the two still arguing ..._

**Writer #1**: OH! Well, what about the time you ruined our lab project when you mixed squirrel hair into the chemicals?!!!

**Writer #2**: I didn't know that it was going to be that much of a difference.

**Writer #1**: You're just lucky the school was insured.

_A random reader throws a banana like a boomerang and hits the two girls on their heads. _

**Writer #1**: OW!!

**Writer #2**: _in a VERRY creepy voice_You shall die in 7 days!

**Writer #1**: Now, onto the story.

_The lights go off and words start to appear on the screen:_

EAT AT JOE'S

**Writer #1**: Wrong story!!!! That one isn't finished yet.

**Writer #2**: Oh ... right.

_Puts the right story in ... it starts to play ..._

**Writer #1**: Enjoy.

**Writer #2**: Or you shall be cursed to live your life as a cow!!!

**And the tale begins ... on _Wicca/Sweep: The Animated Series_!**

**MORGAN**: Hi! I'm Morgan!

**HUNTER**: And I'm Hunter! It's time to sing our song!

_The Sweep characters begin to sing their song. _

**MORGAN / HUNTER / SKY / BREE / ROBBIE / RAVEN / ALISA / MIKE / LINDSEY / KRISTIN:**

We're whiney,  
We're toony,  
We're all a little loony!  
And in this cartoony  
We're invading your TV!  
We're comic dispensers  
We crack up all the censors  
On Wicca/Sweep Adventures, get a dose of comedy!

So here's Widow's Vale  
It's a whole wide world apart  
Our home sweet home  
It stands alone  
A witchy work of art!

The scripts were rejected  
Expect the unexpected  
On Wicca/Sweep Adventures  
It's about to start!

They're furry!  
They're funny!  
They're Jeff and Bill McSquirrely!  
Bree Warren's dad has money!  
Alisa is a pain!  
Here's Hunter and Sky  
Kristin has a ducky!

**DUCK**: Quack.

Morgan's unlucky!  
And Lindsey is insane!

At Magick University,  
We earn our witch degrees!  
The teaching staff has had pet cats since 1523!  
We're whiney!  
We're toony!  
We're all a little loony!  
It's Wicca/Sweep Adventures  
Come and join the fun!  
And now our song is done!

**HUNTER**: _singing _The Flintstones ... meet the Flintstones! They're the modern stone-age family! From the town of Bedrock, they're a place right out of history!

**MORGAN**: Let's save everyone the pain of hearing the rest of the song and skip to the credits.

**HUNTER**: But I _like _singing!

**MORGAN**: Yeah, hon, but you're not very good at it.

**HUNTER**: Are you from Utah?

**MORGAN**: Um ... no?

**HUNTER**: Hmm ...

**MORGAN**: Anyway, our first guest here tonight is Mike ... um ... what's his last name again?

**MIKE**: Who cares? None of the cool people need last names. And I, being both cool _and _dark, am one of those people.

**MORGAN**: Well, okay. So, Mike, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

**MIKE**: Well, let's see, I can't disclose my age, date of birth, favorite ice cream flavor, IQ, address, or SAT score to you.

**MORGAN**: Why not?

**MIKE**: It might compromise my agents in the field.

**MORGAN**: _scared _Um ... okay. Can you tell me a little about your sisters, then?

**MIKE**: Oh, you mean Lindsey and Kristin? Yeah, they're kind of weird. I mean, they're always running around the mansion going "Malalalalalalalala looooooo ..." It's kind of weird.

**HUNTER**: They stole that from me!

**MORGAN**: You guys live in a _mansion_?

**MIKE**: Yeah. I thought you knew that. It's in the ghetto of LA. It's really nice compared to the slums around it. 50 bedrooms, 75 bathrooms, two Olympic pools, five tennis courts, an indoor basketball court, and 27 game rooms ... it's fun. We have a big-screen TV in every room. Even the bathrooms.

**MORGAN**: _quite literally green with jealousy _But ... but ... but that's ... _tries to count the number of big screen TV's that it would be, but can't _Ick! It's too many!

**MIKE**: You should visit sometime.

**MORGAN**: But who ... what ... where ... _how _did you get the money for all that stuff?

**MIKE**: I can't answer that.

**MORGAN**: Why?

**MIKE**: It's classified information.

**MORGAN**: _disappointed _Oh. So, what do you guys do all day?

**MIKE**: _silence_

**KRISTIN**: _bursting out suddenly from where she sits in the audience _Don't tell her anything, Mike!!

**MORGAN**: _quickly _So ... let's hear a word from our sponsor!

**THE GLAD LADY**: Do you know about the wonders of Glad-Ware????

**MORGAN**: Die, fiend. _kills the Glad Lady with witch fire _Thank goodness for that. Please welcome our next guest, Lindsey ... has-the-same-last-name-as-Mike-that-I-don't-know!

**LINDSEY**: It's great to be here, Morgan!

**MORGAN**: So what _is _your last name?

**LINDSEY**: _stares at her_

**MORGAN**: _stares back_

**LINDSEY**: _stares back harder_

**MORGAN**: Aah! I'm scared!

**LINDSEY**: Works every time.

**MORGAN**: So what do you guys do all day?

**LINDSEY**: _starts laughing maniacally_

**MORGAN**: How did you get all that money?

**LINDSEY**: I plead the fifth.

**HUNTER**: What's the fifth?

**MORGAN**: Are you still here?

**LINDSEY**: Fish sticks!

**KRISTIN**: Scrub brush!

**LINDSEY**: Minions!

**LINDSEY'S MINIONS**: _popping out of the floor _How may we aid you, Master?

**LINDSEY**: I don't need you right now. Go back.

**KRISTIN**: Dominican Republic!

**LINDSEY**: Squirrel!

**KRISTIN**: Colloquial!

**LINDSEY**: Konichi wa!

**KRISTIN**: You say that too much.

**LINDSEY**: Oh, fine. Moose!

**KRISTIN**: Yeah, well ... _Ich bin keine Attrappe. Ich spreche Deutsch!_

**LINDSEY**: What?

**KRISTIN**: I am not a dummy. I speak German.

**LINDSEY**: Oh. ... Muffins!

**KRISTIN**: Maharani!

**LINDSEY**: Defy gravity!

**KRISTIN**: Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

**LINDSEY**: _darkly _Kingdom Hearts!

**KRISTIN**: Your heart is dark, Sora ...

**LINDSEY AND KRISTIN**: _start giggling uncontrollably_

**MORGAN**: _quickly _Okay! Back to me!

**LINDSEY**: But this interview is about me!

**MORGAN**: But it's time for me to ask questions again. So, Kristin, you're clearly the most sane of your siblings.

**LINDSEY**: _interrupts _Hey! This is my time! You're interviewing Kristin later!

**MORGAN**: Fine, fine. So ... how _did _you get your animal-talking abilities?

**LINDSEY**: I don't know.

**MORGAN**: How can you _not _know?

**LINDSEY**: Well, when you run into walls frequently, it's sort of easy to forget things.

**MORGAN**: Run into walls?!

**LINDSEY**: I also ran my bike into a mailbox once. Hey, Kristin, remember that time we were riding down the street and I almost hit that car?

**MORGAN**: Are you _sure _you didn't hit it?

**KRISTIN**: No, she didn't hit it ... but she _did _use some very colorful language on the way home.

**MORGAN**: So ... Kristin's turn. Let's start. Do you have a boyfriend?

**KRISTIN**: Why didn't you ask Lindsey that?

**MORGAN**: I already knew the answer.

**LINDSEY**: Hey!

**KRISTIN**: _quickly _Anyway ...

**MORGAN**: Fine, fine. Do you plan on going to college?

**KRISTIN**: Well ... with _those two _around, it's sort of going to be hard.

**MORGAN**: So ... what's the coolest thing you can think of?

**KRISTIN**: Clam chowder.

**LINDSEY**: Waffles!

**MORGAN**: I hate waffles.

**LINDSEY**: I hate _you_.

**MORGAN**: _crying _But we're cousins!

**LINDSEY**: Cheesecake!

**KRISTIN**: I love pencils!

**LINDSEY**: I'm a penguin, I'm a penguin, I'm a cute little penguin! I'm a penguin, I'm a penguin, I eat fish!

**KRISTIN**: It's the great big book of everything with everything inside!

**LINDSEY**: Oddparents, fairly oddparents, wands and wings, floaty crowny things, oddparents, fairly oddparents ...

**KRISTIN**: It's time for the maniacs!

**LINDSEY AND KRISTIN**: It's time for the maniacs  
And we're zany to the max  
So just sit back and relax  
You'll laugh till you collapse  
We're the maniacs  
  
Come join the MacEwan sisters  
And their evil brother Mike  
Just for fun we run around the LA Ghetto lot  
They lock us in a big tower  
Whenever we get caught  
But we break loose and then vamoose  
And now you know the plot

**MORGAN**: _cries in a corner_

**LINDSEY**: So, anyway, that's our show! See you next week! You've been a beautiful audience!

**KRISTIN**: I love eucalyptus trees!

**The End**


	12. The Magick Shoe

**Morgan**:Okay … which story are we doing again?

**Hunter**: I don't know.

(a random penguin walks up)

**Penguin**: Hi! … I'm Incognito Bob. I am a penguin. Yes, I am a magical talking penguin, if you were wondering.

**Morgan**: Um ... hi?

**Incognito Bob**: I will now sing the penguin song. (starts to sing) I'm a penguin, I'm a penguin, I'm a cute little penguin! I'm a penguin, I'm a penguin, I eat fish!

**Morgan**: Okay … Bree!! Have you found the title card yet?!

**Bree**: Hold on! (tips over a box) Nope… (tips out another box) Still nope …

**Incognito Bob**: Is this what you have been venturing for? (holds up the title card)

**Morgan**:Where'd you find it?

**Incognito Bob**: Good question! Now I have one for you … If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse?

(Bree and Morgan stare at him)

**Hunter: **Um … aah … MY BRAIN HURTS!!!

**Incognito Bob: **None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!

(they all stare at him as he takes the title card from Morgan and holds it up to start our fic)

"**The Magick Shoe"**

**Disclaimer**: We don't own the Flaming Asparagus … but we do own the Lone Tomato! Fear the Lone Tomato! Mwahaha … anyway, we don't own Sweep, either. But … if we did … the characters would be a lot more miserable ;) And Hunter would die in every chapter just so we could bring him back and kill him off horribly in the next chapter. Not that we have a thing against Hunter … it's just fun to kill him. And Alisa. Now _she _we have a problem with. We do own the characters of Mike, Kristin, and Lindsey, though, so please don't copy them (cough) (cough) Um … yes. That's the disclaimer. Go read _Back to the Beginning _when you're done with this! They were updated at the same time! Lol, please?

**(Scene: PE class. Morgan, Bree, and the rest of their class are running around the track.)**

**MORGAN**: Damn, I hate PE!

**BREE**: I'm having déjà vu here.

(of course, by then it's time for the daily weirdness to begin. They see Lindsey running down the street by the school, waving a shoe around like a maniac)

**LINDSEY**: You'll never catch me, Mike! Hahaha! The shoe is mine! (she runs off as Mike chases after her)

**MIKE**: Give me my shoe back, you crazy woman!

**LINDSEY**: Never!!!! Mwahaha! (they disappear)

**MORGAN / BREE**: (silence) … I hate PE.

(later at lunch, Morgan and Bree are relating the story of the PE weirdness to the coven in the courtyard)

**MORGAN**: It was so weird. I mean, they just _ran _by.

(Lindsey teleports into the middle of the courtyard amid screams from the non-witch population)

**LINDSEY**: Yes! I'm free! (runs up to Morgan and stuffs the shoe under her nose) You smell that? It's the smell of _victory_!

**MORGAN**: (choking) Ack!

**MIKE**: (teleports in and sees Lindsey) There you are! Give it back!

**LINDSEY**: Damn! (teleports away again)

**MIKE**: (yelling and shaking his fist) I'LL GET YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO! (disappears after her)

(the coven stares at the place where they just were, too stunned to comprehend what just happened while people around them are still screaming about how some random people teleported into the courtyard)

(Kristin teleports in)

**KRISTIN**: Hey, sorry to bother you guys, but have you seen Mike and Lindsey?

**MORGAN**: You just missed them. Like, by ten seconds.

**KRISTIN**: (sighs) Great. I turn my back on them for ONE second and look what happens.

**RANDOM PASSERBYS**: She teleports in with the speed of evil! Witch! Witch!

**KRISTIN**: Put a sock in it. (both of the passersby are turned into giant socks)

**LINDSEY**: (teleports back in) Socks to go with the shoe! (grabs the socks and teleports out again)

**MORGAN**: Okay … um, we need to get back to class. The bell's about to ring.

**ROBBIE**: (sighs) Every day … can't we have a _normal _lunch period for ONCE?

**RAVEN**: Well, who knew that my spell would turn the principal into a frog?

**MORGAN**: You can do that? Being a non-witch and all?

**RAVEN**: (silence)

**MORGAN**: Hmm …

**(Scene: later that day at Hunter's house. Morgan is still pondering Raven's use of magick to turn a principal into a frog.)**

**MORGAN**: (beginning to sound a little crazy) HOW DID SHE DO IT? HOW???

**HUNTER**: What now?

**MORGAN**: (sighs) Nothing. Oh, by the way, the weirdest thing happened at lunch today.

**HUNTER**: Doesn't it always?

**MORGAN**: Yeah, I guess.

**HUNTER**: Well … I'll help you with that later. Go talk to Sky. I have to go to the grocery store for more scones. (runs out to collect his precious scones) (humming to himself) Scones, scones, I love my scones, more than cake and ice cream cones …

**MORGAN**: (shakes her head) It's so weird when he sings that. (she goes into the kitchen, where Sky is making muffins) Ooh, muffins! (she tries to grab the muffins away and burns her whole hand on the tray) Oww!

**SKY**: If you had waited one second, I could have told you that the tray was still hot.

**MORGAN**: (grabs for the tray again) (burns her hand again) Oww!

**SKY**: You really don't learn, do you?

**MORGAN**: (grabs for the tray again again) (burns her hand again again) Oww! (starts to cry) Muffins! Nooo! Come to me! (the muffins float up out of the tray and come to her) Ooh, yay! (eats them all)

**SKY**: (sighs) Great, now I have to make more.

**MORGAN**: Yay! More muffins! (Sky pulls something out of the muffin batter)

**SKY**: Eww, who put shoelaces in my muffin batter? (Lindsey teleports in)

**LINDSEY**: Shoelaces to go with the shoe and socks! (grabs the shoelaces and leaves)

**SKY / MORGAN**: (silence) Um … riiight …

**MORGAN**: That's kind of like what happened in school today.

**SKY**: (a little worried) What happened in school today?

**MORGAN**: Oh, nothing terribly upsetting. Lindsey teleported in and made us sniff Mike's shoe. It was incredibly putrid. I almost died.

**SKY**: But you're okay, right? And, more importantly, Raven's okay, too?

**MORGAN**: (sighs) Yes, we're all okay. (sarcastically) Thanks for caring! (suddenly, the entire rest of the coven runs into the kitchen, battered and bleeding)

**COVEN**: We're not okay! They're coming this way! (Lindsey runs back into the kitchen)

**LINDSEY**: Guys, I need you to keep this safe! (she tosses the shoe to Sky) You have to protect this! Don't let Mike have it!

**SKY**: Why did you give it to me?

**LINDSEY**: I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid. None of the others are witches, Alisa is just stupid, and no one in their right mind would entrust such an important mission to Morgan.

**MORGAN**: (offended) Hey!

**LINDSEY**: Well, it's true! (pause) Anyway, thanks, guys. I really appreciate this. (senses something) Crap, he's coming! (teleports away)

**MORGAN**: It's weird how none of us can teleport.

**SKY**: Maybe it comes from their mother's side. And, anyway, it's illegal.

**MORGAN**: Really?

**SKY**: Yeah, every evil person does it. Anyway, though, about the shoe … (holds it away from her in disgust) Yuck, it does smell putrid.

**MORGAN**: What does 'putrid' mean?

**SKY**: (ignores her) (Mike teleports in)

**MIKE**: Where is it? Where's my shoe?

**SKY**: Um … (hides the shoe behind her back) You just missed Lindsey. I think she said something about going to Greenland to rescue the polar bears.

**MIKE**: What polar bears?

**SKY**: The ones in the Coca-Cola commercials. Pepsi is trying to buy them out.

**MIKE**: But Lindsey likes Pepsi better than Coke.

**SKY**: (pause) Who cares? Go after her! Hurry! (Mike teleports out again)

**MORGAN**: What does 'putrid' mean?

**SKY**: (slaps her)

**MORGAN**: (falls over) Ow! What'd you do that for?

**SKY**: You're an idiot.

**MORGAN**: (brightly) Thank you!

**SKY**: (shakes head)

**BREE**: Okay, so, um, what do we have to do to protect the shoe? I mean, as much as I don't want to give it back to Lindsey for fear that she'll do something evil with it like give it to Jeff and Bill to take over the world with, the idea of giving it to Mike is even scarier.

**RAVEN**: Mike? He's hot. (Sky glares at her) Um, I mean, he's not. As in, not hot.

**MORGAN**: Hey, that rhymes!

**ALISA**: (skipping around the kitchen) Not hot! Not hot! Not hot! (Lindsey teleports in and shines a flashlight in her eyes) (Alisa's eyes water) MY EYES! I'm blind! (she crashes into the counter and falls over)

**LINDSEY**: (laughs evilly and leaves again)

**SKY**: Oh, I have an idea! Let's bake the shoe in a piece of shortbread to protect it! No one would suspect it in there!

(her plan is met with silence)

**ROBBIE**: You've been hanging out with Hunter too long.

**SKY**: (hurt) Well, being related to him and all, it's sort of a given.

**HUNTER**: (comes back with his scones) 48!

**MORGAN**: What's 48?

**HUNTER**: The number of scones I bought. So _was ist unter_?

**SKY**: Um … why did you just ask what is under in German?

**HUNTER**: Because I forgot how to say what is up. So … what's up?

**ROBBIE**: Wow, you actually had a bout of smartness there!

**HUNTER**: (long silence) What does that mean?

**ROBBIE**: (sighs) Yeah, it's gone again.

(Later … )

**SKY**: (picks up the shortbread that contains the shoe) Hmm … I wish I knew what we were supposed to do with this. Those guys just get weirder and weirder every day. (magicky noise) (she looks awed) Wow! I know what we were supposed to do with this! We're supposed to make sure that Mike doesn't get it!

**HUNTER**: Did that shoe just grant your wish?

**SKY**: I … think … so. I wish I knew. (pause) It did! It did!

**GANG**: (gasps) (everyone makes a grab for the shoe) (Robbie (?) gets the shoe)

**ROBBIE**: I wish I had a sports car! (a sports car materializes out of the air and lands on Alisa)

**ALISA**: It tickles! (dies)

**HUNTER**: I wish I had a huge plate of –

**MORGAN**: If you say scones –

**HUNTER**: SCONES!!!

**MORGAN**: (sigh)

**HUNTER**: (begins stuffing his face with the huge plate of scones that has appeared on the coffee table) Mmm … scones …

**RAVEN**: (grabs the shoe) I wish Sky was in red lingerie!

**SKY**: Hey! (looks down at her newly acquired red lingerie)

**ROBBIE / ETHAN / MATT**: (staring openly)

**HUNTER**: (too engulfed in scones to notice his cousin standing in red lingerie in the middle of the living room)

**SKY**: Oh, yeah? Well, I wish Raven was in black lingerie!

**RAVEN**: (suddenly wearing black lingerie) At least it's my favorite color.

**ROBBIE / ETHAN / MATT**: (mouths drop open even more) (start to drool)

**BREE / SHARON**: (slap them)

**HUNTER**: (still too engulfed in scones)

**RAVEN / SKY**: (disappear into Sky's room)

**MORGAN**: Hey, guys, where are you going?

**BREE**: … No, Morgan.

(she grabs the shoe)

**BREE**: I wish that Sky's room was soundproof. Oh, and that I was queen of the world! (magicky noise) (Bree is sitting on a throne with a crown) Cool!

**MORGAN**: I wish I had muffins! (a big, huge plate of muffins materializes right in front of her) Yay! (tries to eat the muffins) Hey, these muffins are stale! (chucks the plate of muffins away in anger) (hits Hunter in the head)

**HUNTER**: Ow!

**MORGAN**: Oh, what do you know? You love scones more than me!

**HUNTER**: Yeah, well, these scones are stale, too. (pause) Oh, well! They're still scones! (begins eating them again) (notices that one is moldy) Ew! Who made my scones moldy? (eyes start to glow red with anger) _Who made my scones moldy_?

**BREE**: (voice sounding far away and strangely pixel-y) Geez, Hunter, don't have a cow. They're just scones.

(they all turn to the television to see Bree inside it, still sitting on her throne with her crown … except she's digitally animated)

**MORGAN**: (gasps) Bree?

**BREE**: What?

**HUNTER**: Why are you in the telly?

**BREE**: What the hell is a telly?

**HUNTER**: A television! Why are you in the television?

**BREE**: I'm in the television? (looks around her and notices that she is made of pixels) Holy crap! I _am _in the television!

**MORGAN**: I guess you didn't specify your wish, Bree. You asked to be the queen of the world, but you didn't specify _which _world. You're the queen of the world of digital animation!

**MARIO**: (tries to rescue her from a digitally animated firing squad of B-16's)

**BREE**: Ahh! (Mario's rescue plane goes down, killing him and Bree)

**MORGAN**: NOOOOO!!! (Bree appears on the television again, back in her throne room)

**BREE**: Cool! I have another life!

**MORGAN**: (sighs) We need a spell to get her out of there.

**HUNTER**: The shoe makes the wishes go wrong! (tearfully) It made my scones moldy!

SKY: (running out of her room with Raven) These clothes won't come off! 

**MORGAN**: (stupidly) Why are you trying to take them off? (they just glare at her)

**ROBBIE**: (trying to start his new sports car) Hey! There aren't any keys in here! I don't have keys! Who has the keys?

**LINDSEY**: (pops in) I know how to hotwire a car!

**ROBBIE**: Um … no thanks.

**LINDSEY**: (huffs) Fine, then! (leaves) (comes back) Hey! Wait a second! You guys have been using the shoe for magick, haven't you?

**HUNTER**: Um … no?

**LINDSEY**: _TELL ME THE TRUTH, YOU IDIOT, OR I'LL TURN YOU INTO A PIG! _

**HUNTER**: (squeals and hides behind Morgan)

**MORGAN**: Lindsey, you know that pigs frighten him.

**LINDSEY**: Ihr seid alles Schwein!

**MORGAN**: What?

**LINDSEY**: Kristin taught me that. It means "You are all swine" … which you are!!!

**HUNTER**: What's swine?

**MORGAN**: Pig paraphernalia.

**HUNTER**: (screams) No! Not the pigs! (runs into a wall and collapses)

**JEFF / BILL**: (hop in through the door and chirp)

**MORGAN**: What did they say?

**LINDSEY**: They know a way to fix this mess that you've all created. But we're going to need some help.

**HUNTER**: (suddenly awake) Ooh! Ooh! I know who can help!

**LINDSEY**: Who?

**HUNTER**: The Lone Tomato!

**ALL**: (silence)

**LINDSEY**: Who now?

**HUNTER**: Wait right here! (he runs upstairs) (they wait) (they wait some more) (they hear Hunter cry in pain) (they wait some more) (and more) (Hunter finally reappears back downstairs wearing red tighty-whities and a red bed sheet) I am the Lone Tomato! I will save you all!

(crickets chirp)

**LINDSEY**: (starts laughing uncontrollably)

**SKY**: Hey, you idiot, those are my bed sheets!

**MORGAN**: Hunter, you loser, what are you wearing??

**HUNTER**: Who is this Hunter you speak of? I am no Hunter! I am the Lone Tomato, and I'm here to rescue you!

**MORGAN**: … What the hell?

**SKY**: Hunter, you promised you would never wear that costume again. Not after what happened last time!

**HUNTER**: Who is this Hunter? I am not Hunter! I am the Lone –

**SKY**: Shut up! (hits him) (he falls over, unconscious) Anyway … what do we do now? Hunter is wearing a tomato costume, Bree is stuck inside the television, Robbie can't start his car, the scones are moldy, Morgan's muffins are stale, Alisa is dead, and I am _still _wearing this lingerie that I can't get out of!

**LINDSEY**: This does qualify a problem.

**MORGAN**: Maybe we should call Mike and Kristin. They might –

**LINDSEY**: No! If Mike finds out that I gave it to you guys in the first place, he'll totally kill me! (pause) Well, I'm not really afraid of him. Whatever. Let's call them. (sends a witch message) Mike, I have your shoe. You can have it back now.

**MIKE**: (appears instantly) Where is it? Where is it, you Devil Woman???

**LINDSEY**: (points to the shoe, which is still baked in shortbread)

**MIKE**: YOU BAKED MY SHOE IN SHORTBREAD?

**LINDSEY**: No. Sky did.

**SKY**: Oops.

**MIKE**: (pause) Whatever. (eats the shortbread around the shoe) Hey, this stuff is good. (the whole room starts to stink because the shoe is once again set free)

**LINDSEY**: Mike, do you _ever _wash your socks?

**MIKE**: Socks? What are socks?

**LINDSEY**: (pause) Never mind.

**MIKE**: Yay! My shoe is back! (puts it back on) (sighs) That feels better. I missed my shoe. (to Lindsey) And you, missy, are in a lot of trouble!

**MORGAN**: Whatever. Can you just set everything back to normal with it?

**MIKE**: What does that mean?

**MORGAN**: You know. Take the sports car away, take the moldy scones and stale muffins away … (pause) No, just make them not stale. I'll keep the muffins. Anyway, get Bree out of the TV and Sky and Raven out of that lingerie.

**MIKE**: Yes, ma'am!

**SKY / RAVEN**: (both hit him)

**MORGAN**: Oh, and bring Alisa back to life. (long pause) Wait, did I really just say that? You can leave her, too.

**MIKE**: We're going to need Kristin to do this. It's going to take a lot of magick. She's going to be really mad.

**HUNTER**: (waking up) I can help! I'm the Lone Tomato!

**KRISTIN**: (teleports in and turns him into a tomato) Now he really _is _the Lone Tomato.

**MORGAN**: (squishes the tomato) (whistles innocently) So, can you fix this?

**KRISTIN**: Yup. But, in the future, if you're going to use a magick shoe to grant wishes, call us first. (holds up a book) We have the user's manual.

**MORGAN**: There's a user's manual?

**MIKE**: (ominously) This is a very special shoe.

**SKY**: Because it can grant wishes?

**MIKE**: No. It's comfy.

(long pause)

**SKY:** So…you _don't_ use it to grant wishes?

**MIKE: **Are you nuts!? It always goes wrong when it comes to that!

**MORGAN**: (to Lindsey) You could have warned us about that, you know.

**LINDSEY**: Never trust anything if you can't see where it keeps its brain.

**MORGAN**: … What?

**LINDSEY**: It was in a book I read. A very _special _book.

**MORGAN**: (eagerly) Does it grant wishes, too?

**LINDSEY**: NO!

**MORGAN**: Then what is it?

**LINDSEY**: A frog.

**MORGAN**: Huh?

**RAVEN**: Frogs! Yay! (transfigures Morgan into a frog)

**MORGAN**: _Ribbit_! (TRANSLATION: _How does she do that_???)

**MIKE**: The darkness consumes your pencils!

**BREE**: WILL YOU PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS TELEVISION???

**KRISTIN**: (sighs) Fine, fine.

**LINDSEY**: So how do we do this again?

**MORGAN**: _Ribbit_! (TRANSLATION: _You said you knew_!!!)

**LINDSEY**: Jeff and Bill knew. But they disappeared. (as if on cue, they all notice that Jeff and Bill are gone)

**MIKE**: Where'd they go?

(they see two pixel-y Jeff and Bills attacking Pixel Bree)

**MORGAN**: _Ribbit_! (TRANSLATION: _Bree! I'll save you!_) (hops into the television)

**ROBBIE**: Bree! Don't worry, my love! I'll save you! (jumps into the television)

**SKY**: Why the hell did everyone just jump into the television?

**KRISTIN**: Weird.

**LINDSEY**: (has an idea) (pushes Sky and Raven into the television, too)

**SKY**: Hey!

**LINDSEY**: (turns off the television) Well, glad that's over.

**KRISTIN**: (shrugs) I was just going to do a simple reversal spell, but I guess that works, too.

(Kristin, Lindsey, and Mike all skip off to see the wizard)

**KRISTIN**: Oh, we're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz!

**LINDSEY**: And destroy him!

**ALL WORSHIP THE FLAMING ASPARAGUS**


	13. A Day in the Life of Morgan

**Disclaimer**: This new chapter is nice and long for all you loyal readers who would maybe still read this after so long. We're sorry. Please forgive us. BROWNIES! Um, yeah. We love you all and we're so sorry for the long wait. This is the first time we've been together for a while (once again, send money for plane tickets if you want more updates—or Flashplayer; that works, too). Look for us again tomorrow with another update … hopefully, that is. Um, yeah. Anything else? Nope, not really. Coolies! See you later! **_REVIEW_**!

**A DAY IN THE LIFE OF MORGAN**

**(Scene: Morgan's bedroom in the morning before school. She is snoozing peacefully in bed when Mary K bangs on her door.)**

**MARY K**: Morgan! Morgan, get up! We're going to miss the bus! (Morgan half-consciously throws a book at her) Ow! Hey, Morgan, come on! Das Boot is broken, remember? We have to catch the bus if we want to make it to school on time!

**MORGAN**: (mumbling, still skipping through Dreamland) Pink strawberry raspberries …

**MARY K**: (sighs, stalks into the room, and hits Morgan's head really hard)

**MORGAN**: Ow! (accidentally throws witch fire at Mary K)

**MARY K**: (now badly burned) (tearfully) Morgan, how could you? I'm your sister! (runs out of the room crying) (Morgan, now very much awake, feels bad) (Mary K pokes her head back in) I hate witches!

**LINDSEY**: (appears in Morgan's window) DON'T DISS THE WITCHES! (throws a plastic squirrel at Mary K, clonking her on the head)

**MARY K**: (cries and runs off)

**MORGAN**: (to herself) What a great way to start the day …

**(Scene: the street outside Morgan's house. She is running to catch the bus, which is just about to leave.)**

**MORGAN**: Wait! No! Don't leave! I'm only three minutes late! (the bus leaves. Morgan throws witch fire at one of the tires. The bus spins wildly on the road before coming to a stop as the tire deflates. The bus driver looks angrily at Morgan)

**BUS DRIVER**: What've you gone and done that for?

**MORGAN**: (whistles innocently) I didn't do anything. (climbs onto the bus and sits down) (to the other students on the bus) Well, come on, guys! Look cheerful! We'll be on time for school!

(they all glare at her as she remains blissfully unaware that she, due to her little mishap with blue crackly fire, just made them all miss first period)

**(Scene: Morgan's Pre-Calculus room. She throws open the door and runs in late.)**

**MORGAN**: (cheerfully) What's up, my fellow pupils? Ready to get them math gears a'turnin'? (they stare at her. The teacher stares at her. Morgan stares back)

**TEACHER**: Morgan, would you mind answering the hardest problem on the homework, considering that you just rudely interrupted my class?

**MORGAN**: (meekly) Um, no?

**TEACHER**: Well, that's too bad because you're going to answer it anyway. What was number 15?

**MORGAN**: (having forgotten to do the homework) Um … 42?

**TEACHER**: WRONG! HAHA! YOU'RE WRONG! THAT MEANS THAT YOU GET TO STAY AFTER SCHOOL FOR DETENTION! I _LOVE_ GIVING DETENTION! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - (the principal walks in) And so, after solving 4954x cubed times the square root of 23ab, we get 42.

**MORGAN**: I knew it!

**TEACHER**: (ignoring her) May I help you, Principal?

**PRINCIPAL**: I would like to speak to Morgan Rowlands. She was apparently involved in the crash of a school bus this morning.

**MORGAN**: You can't prove that was me!

**PRINCIPAL**: Oh, yes, I can. (holds up a picture of Morgan throwing witch fire at the bus tires)

**MORGAN**: (gasps) Wha – where did you get that?

(sees that Bree has a camera around her neck)

**MORGAN**: Bree!

**BREE**: (innocently) I'm taking photography this semester, and I needed pictures for my portfolio!

**PRINCIPAL**: Well, Morgan, as damaging school property is strictly forbidden by the school code, I'm going to have to expel you.

**MORGAN**: (…) Wha … wha … what? Ex-ex-_expel_ me? B-B-B-But you can't! I have the best GPA of anyone in the whole school!

**PRINCIPAL**: No, you don't.

**MORGAN**: Who has a higher GPA than me?

**RANDOM KID IN THE CORNER**: Hi.

**MORGAN**: Oh, shut up. (pause, then runs out of the classroom and slams the door shut from the outside) Ha! You can't get out of the classroom! You can't expel me! (puts a locking spell on the door and mentally does it to the class windows, too, so that they are unbreakable) Well … what a wonderful day this has been! (strolls off happily as the bell for third period rings)

**(Scene: Morgan's English classroom. Her class is reading Macbeth, and three of her classmates are pretending to be the infamous three witches.)**

**THREE "WITCHES"**: Double, double, toil and trouble! Fire burn and cauldron bubble!

**MORGAN**: (raises her hand)

**TEACHER**: Yes, Morgan?

**MORGAN**: I object to the largely stereotypical views portrayed in this play, for real witches are not old and warty and do not manipulate the reality of the universe simply for their own gain; on the contrary, real witches worship nature and are awed by its magnificent beauty. I, therefore, refuse to read Macbeth as it goes against my religious principles.

**TEACHER**: (stares at her)

**MORGAN**: (stares back)

**TEACHER**: I suggest that you take this issue up with Mr. Shakespeare, Morgan. Now get out your book and read along!

**MORGAN**: (pouts, then uses a hall pass to go to the bathroom. She pulls a candle, incense, and salt out of her backpack and fills up a cup with water from the sink, thus preparing her own little circle space in the bathroom) Hmm … now I need to think up a rhyme …

**RANDOM GIRL**: (walks in and stares at Morgan, who looks very strange standing there in the middle of the bathroom with all of her spell stuff)

**MORGAN**: (defensively) What?

**RANDOM GIRL**: (runs away)

**MORGAN**: (smiles in satisfaction and begins her spell) _Hear the witch, hear her cry. Hear my words, hear the rhyme. Transport my current body and soul to another place and time. _

(she poofs out of the bathroom and lands in Stratford-Upon-Avon in the 16th Century. A little baby cries in a crib)

**CHURCH PRIEST**: By the power vested in me by the Church of England, I hereby christen thee William Shakespeare!

**MORGAN**: (sighs) Not this far back! (she poofs out) (pause)

(poofs back in and sneaks up behind the priest)

**MORGAN**: (eerily) The witches come in the _niiight_!

**CHURCH PRIEST**: Aahhh! (faints)

**MORGAN**: Hehehe! (poofs out again)

(she lands in London)

**WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE**: Greetings, good lady! I be William Shakespeare! And who art thou?

**MORGAN**: Um … I be … Morgan?

**WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE**: That name isn't British enough! I shall call thee … (falters) Um … (starts to sweat) Uh … (bursts out) Great beards of Oberon, I've never had such trouble coming up with a name before! (the proverbial light bulb flicks on) Oh! I'll call you Desdemona!

**MORGAN**: (disgusted) Ick! No!

**WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE**: Juliet?

**MORGAN**: No!

**WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE**: Ophelia?

**MORGAN**: No!

**WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE**: (pause) Ophelia?

**MORGAN**: (shrugs) Sure.

**WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE**: Splendid! Come, Ophelia! To the Globe Theater!

(they march off to the Globe Theater)

**MORGAN**: I had a question to ask you, but I – (sees Queen Elizabeth with her entourage about to enter the Globe Theater. Only …) BREE?

(as it ironically turns out, Bree was Queen Elizabeth in her past life)

**MORGAN**: Wow … this is weird.

(sees a blonde girl chasing a squirrel through the theater)

**LINDSEY'S PAST LIFE**: Stop! I command thee, Jeffery the Squirrel of Yore, to stop! _All thy acorns doth belong to me_! (they run off)

**MORGAN**: Wow, she was even obsessed with squirrels in her past life.

**KRISTIN'S PAST LIFE**: Hast thou seen a blonde maiden about yay-high with a squirrel in her company?

**MORGAN**: They went that-a-way.

**KRISTIN'S PAST LIFE**: Thank ye kindly. (walks off)

**MIKE'S PAST LIFE**: (flies up on a huge black dragon) Hast thou seen –

**MORGAN**: MIKE? You're here, too?

**MIKE'S PAST LIFE**: Aye, ma'am. My name is Michael. I am a knight in the Black Order of Darkness. I specialize in all things dark. I enjoy the dark.

**MORGAN**: I guess some things really don't change.

**WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE**: (writing down everything that just transpired) Wonderful! This will make a magnificent play! So many strange characters!

**MORGAN**: I hope you're referring to Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin when you say 'strange'.

**WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE**: (scribbling furiously) Are those their names? Wonderful! And you, Ophelia, shall have the honor of being the main character!

**MORGAN**: But you already wrote a play about a girl named Ophelia!

**WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE**: That matters not. (pause) What shall this play be about?

**MORGAN**: Um … the misadventures of a teenage time hopper?

**WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE**: Wonderful! Wonderful!

**MORGAN**: Oh, yeah! Now I remember what I was going to say to you! If you ever feel like writing a play about a guy named Macbeth and three witches … **don't**.

**WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE**: (pause) (shrugs) All right.

**MORGAN**: Yay! I guess I can go back to my time now. (poofs out and lands back in the bathroom) Hmm … I wonder if time has changed at all …

(goes back to her English classroom and sees her fellow classmates pretending to fly on black dragons)

**MAKESHIFT MIKES**: Fear me, ma'am! I am Michael, a knight in the Black Order of Darkness!

**MORGAN**: (to her teacher) What's the name of this play, again?

**TEACHER**: Morgan, we have been working on this play for weeks! It's called _Ophelia and Michael, the Knight of the Black Order of Darkness, Go to The White Castle!_

**MORGAN**: Hmm … would that be, by any chance, named after _Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle_?

**TEACHER**: Well, there is the eating of beef patties involved …

**MORGAN**: So totally whatever. (the lunch bell rings) Ooh, goody, lunch! The best class of the day!

**(Scene: the cafeteria. The coven is eating lunch when an announcement comes over the PA system.)**

**ANNOUNCEMENT**: Attention, students, would Morgan Rowlands please report to the principal's office? Would Morgan Rowlands please report to the principal's office?

**BREE**: Geez, Morgan, what did you do?

**MORGAN**: I don't know! (darkly) I thought I took care of that guy.

(she wanders off to the principal's office, still munching on her Doritos) (A/N: Yay! Doritos!)

**MORGAN**: I understand you wanted to see me?

**SECRETARY**: Actually, your brother is here to pick you up. Some kind of family emergency or something.

**MORGAN**: (eyes go wide) Brother? Emergency? What?

**KILLIAN**: (pops up) Hey, little sis! Ready to go?

**MORGAN**: Go where? What's this I hear about an emergency?

**KILLIAN**: Oh, it's probably nothing too serious. I got a message from Mike that he, Kristin, and Lindsey need our help.

**MORGAN**: They need professional help, not _our _help.

**KILLIAN**: Will you come or not?

**MORGAN**: (sighs) Against my better judgment … sure, why not?

**(Scene: a cave in the middle of nowhere. Mike, Kristin, and Lindsey are huddled around a fire. Killian and Morgan teleport in.)**

**MORGAN**: (pause as she absorbs her surroundings) Okay, what are we doing here? What's going on?

**LINDSEY**: It's not my fault!

**KILLIAN**: Would you please explain what's going on here?

**KRISTIN**: It's an interesting story, really …

**LINDSEY**: I repeat, it's not my fault!

**MIKE**: This is the only place that's safe.

**MORGAN**: Safe from what?

**LINDSEY**: All right, I'll tell the tale. I was sitting by the edge of one of our four indoor swimming pools at our mansion in the ghetto of Los Angeles eating a bag of Gummi Bears. I love Gummi Bears. Gummi Bears are good and yummy and sugary and tasty and –

**KRISTIN**: Back to the point, Lindsey.

**LINDSEY**: Right, sorry. Anyway, I was sitting there eating Gummi Bears in a completely it's-not-my-fault way, and then all of a sudden one of them pulled out a machine gun and ran off!

(pause)

**MORGAN**: What?

**KILLIAN**: Lindsey, have you taken your medicine today?

**LINDSEY**: My medicine isn't for hallucinations. My Gummi Bears came to life, I swear. To be certain I wasn't seeing things, I visited the nearest candy emporium and found that all of their Gummi Bear reserves were empty! The petrified storekeeper could only tell me that all of the Gummi Bears had ganged up on him, robbed the cash register, and run out the door to incite panic and chaos!

**MIKE**: We need you guys to help us join the fight against the dark side of the force.

**MORGAN**: I thought the fight was against Gummi Bears.

**MIKE**: That, too.

**LINDSEY**: Aren't we on the dark side of the force?

(silence)

**MIKE**: No. We walk the thin line between good and evil.

**LINDSEY**: Oh, yeah.

**KILLIAN**: Sure, why not? We'll help.

**KRISTIN**: We've been getting strong readings of dark magick coming from this address. (she pulls out a piece of paper)

**MORGAN**: Hey, this is right in Widow's Vale. Let's go now!

(they run off to Widow's Vale)

**Scene: the street outside Hunter's house. They stare at his house in shock.**

**MORGAN**: How could you guys not know that address was Hunter's house? Hunter would never enslave the world's Gummi Bears!

**LINDSEY**: Hey, you didn't know his address either!

**MORGAN**: (huffs in silence)

**KRISTIN**: Plus, we always teleport there. We find you guys by just showing up where you are. We didn't know his address.

**MIKE**: Can we just free the Gummi Bears so that I can get back to my other business? Which is dark.

**KILLIAN**: (leads the offensive up to the door, where he knocks politely) Come out of there, Hunter! We know you're in there!

**HUNTER**: Nobody's home.

**MORGAN**: Oh, okay, then! (skips off) (Lindsey pulls her back)

**LINDSEY**: How stupid are you? Okay, Killian, break down the door! (pause) No, wait, let me do it! (she kicks down the door and, in the process, takes the whole front side of the house with her)

**KRISTIN**: Maybe we should have let Killian do it.

**KILLIAN**: Are you bloody stupid? That was brilliant!

**HUNTER**: (sighs) Aww, how'd you guys get in? (they see that he has amassed a huge army of Gummi Bears in the living room)

**MORGAN**: Hunter, what are you going to do with all of these Gummi Bears?

**HUNTER**: TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION!

**MORGAN**: (pause) Um … does Sky know you're trashing her living room? (they hear muffled yells from the basement)

**HUNTER**: The bears have taken care of her.

**KRISTIN**: That's just creepy.

**MIKE**: Hunter, you know you're supposed to leave the world takeover schemes to us. You don't have the guts required to manage the world.

**HUNTER**: Of course I do! I've got a whole bunch of … um, guts.

**LINDSEY**: Right. Anyway, let's just get these enchanted Gummi Bears out of here. I want my poolside snack back! (pause) Hey, that rhymed! (the Gummi Bears point their machine guns at all of them) Well, this isn't good.

**HUNTER**: ATTACK!

**MORGAN**: Hunter! You're letting them attack me?

**HUNTER**: Well, Morgan, I love you, but … well, I'd rather have the whole world under my complete and utter control. I can make scones the official planetary food! Everyone will have to learn _proper _English!

**KRISTIN**: No! You fiend!

**LINDSEY**: I'll never say 'loo' instead of bathroom! You'll never get me! (teleports away)

**KRISTIN**: Well, now where's she gone?

**MIKE**: I suppose we have no choice but to surrender to the Gummi Bears.

**KILLIAN**: Surrender to a sugary treat? Impossible.

**MIKE**: Well, in case you haven't noticed, they've surrounded us.

**MORGAN**: True that is.

**MIKE**: Why are you talking like Yoda?

**MORGAN**: A spell I am under. Magickal powers the Gummi Bears have.

**KRISTIN**: Bad that is.

**MIKE**: You, too?

**KRISTIN**: No, I just love Yoda. (they teleport out of the way as the Gummi Bears open fire) (Morgan gets caught in the crossfire)

**Scene: the cave. They all reappear back there … except for Morgan.**

**MIKE**: Wait, where's Morgan?

**KRISTIN**: I thought you had her.

**MIKE**: I thought Killian had her.

**KILLIAN**: I thought Kristin had her.

**KRISTIN**: I thought Mike had her!

**KILLIAN**: This could go on for days. No one has Morgan. We must mourn her loss. (brief silence) And now we're done.

**LINDSEY**: (teleports in) I have reinforcements! (Jeff and Bill squeak happily)

**KRISTIN**: What good are they going to be?

**LINDSEY**: They like Gummi Bears! (she sends them off to Hunter's house) Now we just wait a bit … (they wait five seconds) They will have won by now. Let's see what happened. (they approach Hunter's house, which lays in ruins among smoldering flames)

**JEFF**: (squeaks from the sidewalk)

**LINDSEY**: Did you win?

**BILL**: (squeaks)

**LINDSEY**: Good. Very good. Is Hunter alive? (Bill and Jeff exchange guilty looks. Kristin sighs)

**KRISTIN**: Well, I guess he must be alive. You should have gotten him, guys.

**BILL**: (squeak) (Translation: "I'm sorry.")

**LINDSEY**: (pats him on the head) It's okay. You did your best. So … where did he go?

**KRISTIN**: Off to recruit more snack foods to his cause, maybe. I doubt that's the last we've heard of him.

(as if on cue, the street beneath them starts to quake as if a massive earthquake is heading right for them. They stare at the distance, where a giant shadow approaches. It's a giant Twinkie, and Hunter stands in front of it, victorious)

**HUNTER**: Haha! You may have foiled my Gummi Bear scheme, but you will not defeat the TWINKIE OF DEATH! Mwahaha!

**ALISA**: (walks out in front of the Twinkie of Death) Hey, guys, what's up? (the Twinkie of Death gives a mighty roar and eats her)

**LINDSEY**: Ew.

**TWINKIE OF DEATH**: (gives a moan of pain and dies from indigestion) (falls on Hunter, squishing him)

**HUNTER**: I'm still alive!

**WRITER #2**: Wait, that's not right. Rewind!

(the Twinkie of Death falls on Hunter again, squishing him even more this time)

**HUNTER**: Still … holding … on …

(an anvil falls from the sky and lands on top of the Twinkie. No more noise comes from Hunter)

**KRISTIN**: Thank goodness that's over.

**LINDSEY**: Wait, what _did_ happen to Morgan? (they go back to the house to see if she's still there) (they find her squished under the porch)

**MIKE**: Hmm … she must have been hiding under there, and then the porch collapsed under the fury of Jeff and Bill's offensive.

**KILLIAN**: Makes sense to me. (they decide to take a trip to Cancun) (they are watching TV in their resort room when Lindsey realizes something)

**LINDSEY**: Hey, what happened to Sky? Last we heard of her, she was still in the basement. (they all look at each other and hurry back to New York, freeing Sky from the confines of the basement)

**SKY**: Why do bad things always happen to me?

**LINDSEY**: Well, this is the thirteenth chapter of _Sweep: The Random Parodies_. It had to be special. Thirteen is my lucky number.

**SKY**: I hate you.

**LINDSEY**: It's not my fault! (teleports out)

**KRISTIN**: Whatever. Roll the credits.

**THE END**

**LINDSEY**: Well, that's boring.

**KRISTIN**: What are you talking about?

**LINDSEY**: "The End." It's just so … confined to the box.

**KRISTIN**: Well, what do you propose we do?

**LINDSEY**: (whispers something in her ear)

**KRISTIN**: (gives her a strange look) No!

**LINDSEY**: Aww, come on, please?

**KRISTIN**: No! That's not even a real word!

**LINDSEY**: (droops)

**KRISTIN**: Oh … fine.

**LINDSEY**: Yay!

**SPHOOZZLEFUZZ**


	14. Hunter vs The Vacuum Cleaner

**Disclaimer**: We were on a roll, so here's a short little … um, story? I guess you could call it that. Okay, the only things we own are Lindsey and (dramatic announcer voice) THE LONE TOMATO! So don't sue or we will sic Jeff and Bill on you! Keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times and enjoy the show.

**Hunter vs. The Vacuum Cleaner (Of Doom)**

**Scene: a park bench. Morgan is there.**

**MORGAN**: (to a little girl) Hi, what's your name?

**GIRL**: I'm Leslie.

**MORGAN**: Hi, Leslie! I'm Morgan.

**LESLIE**: Do you like _Sabrina, the Teenage Witch_?

**MORGAN**: Um, I've never watched it, no.

**LESLIE**: It's about a girl who's a witch who lives with her aunts, who are also witches.

**MORGAN**: Really? Do they fly broomsticks?

**LESLIE**: Of course not, silly! (Morgan looks surprised) They fly on vacuum cleaners. Brooms are sooo old-fashioned.

**MORGAN**: Oh, okay.

**Scene: Hunter's house later. Morgan visits him after visiting the park.**

**MORGAN**: I was talking to this girl today and she said that on some TV show the witches fly vacuum cleaners because brooms are old-fashioned.

**HUNTER**: Vacuum cleaners! Why didn't I think of that? (runs to the closet and grabs his purple vacuum cleaner) I've got to try this one! (starts the vacuum cleaner while standing on it. It flips out and starts careening around the room, Hunter hanging on perilously) Help me! Help me!

**MORGAN**: Oh, no! What will we do?

**SKY**: (comes in with groceries) Hunter! (to Morgan) What did that idiot do now?

**HUNTER**: (from the next room) I'm not an idio – aaaaaaaahhhhh! (big crash) Ow.

**MORGAN**: He tried to fly on a vacuum cleaner.

**SKY**: Where would he get a stupid idea like that?

**MORGAN**: (in an oh-so-I'm-guilty-but-I-don't-want-you-to-know-but-it's-so-obvious-when-I-use-this-voice) Um, I don't know.

**SKY**: (in an I-don't-believe-you-but-I'll-play-along-anyway voice) Right.

**HUNTER**: Help! I don't like this ride! Make it stop!

**SKY**: (with a smile) Can't the Lone Tomato help?

**HUNTER**: (in an I'm-just-thinking-this-up-on-the-spot-I'm-a-scone-loving-dork-who-runs-around-in-a-tomato-costume kind of voice) Um … he's … on … vacation?

**SKY**: Right. (pause as she thinks this over) Okay, I'll help. But first, what have we learned?

**HUNTER**: Not to try and fly on a vacuum cleaner. (crashes into the couch)

**SKY**: (like she is talking to a preschooler) Very good. (sternly) And YOU, Morgan?

**MORGAN**: Hunter is a moron?

**HUNTER**: Hey!

**SKY**: (pause) Good enough. (pulls the plug for the vacuum out of the wall)

**MORGAN**: Sky, you're a genius!

**SKY**: (rolls eyes)

**HUNTER**: Thank you! (hugs her)

**SKY**: If you don't let go now, I will be forced to hurt you.

**HUNTER**: (let's go very quickly) (walks outside) Well, I've learned my lesson. Vacuums are for cleaning, not flying.

**LINDSEY**: (flies by on a Swiffer mop) Well, duh, you idiot! (flies off)

**HUNTER**: (whines) Sky, can we get a Swiffer?

**SKY**: (hits him in the head with a rock)

**HUNTER**: (gets a concussion) Today's special is clam chowder. (faints)

**MORGAN**: Well, see you tomorrow, Sky! (skips happily home)

**This story has ended. Please throw all trash  
in the proper trash receptacles. Thank you for  
flying Air Swiffer. Have a nice day! **


	15. Porridge Moose

"**Porridge Moose"**

**Disclaimer**: Okay, one of these lines is from _Smallville_. Just because. Yeah. And we don't have anything against orange juice. We just decided to use it. Just because. Yeah. We decided to make Lindsey like milk. Just because. Yeah. Oh, and we'll write a new chapter every time that Author #1 is allowed to come back and visit after she moved away, so if you want quicker updates, send us money so we can buy plane tickets. Or Flashplayer so we can make animated movies about _Sweep_. Just because. Yeah. What rhymes with orange juice? Porridge moose! _Muy loco_!

**(Scene: Morgan's house. She walks down to the kitchen to eat breakfast when she sees Lindsey standing at her refrigerator, chugging a gallon of milk.)**

**MORGAN**: What are you doing?

**LINDSEY**: We were out of milk. (teleports away with the milk)

**MORGAN**: Um … okay … now we have no milk! I'll just put orange juice on my cereal! (she dumps an entire bottle of orange juice on her cereal)

**MARY K**: (comes down and sees her pouring orange juice on her cereal) Um, Morgan, you know you get really weird when you drink orange juice, right?

**MORGAN**: (literally hopping up and down) (her eyes turn orange) Orange juice! Orange juice! Orange juice! Orange juice!

**MARY K**: Okay … um, Morgan, I think I should get you to a doctor.

**MORGAN**: I don't need a doctor! What I need is more orange juice! (she begins diving through the fridge like a maniac, searching for more orange juice) No! We're out of orange juice! (she attacks a grocery store and steals all of their orange juice)

**MARY K**: At least you remembered to wear a mask this time when you robbed a store for OJ.

**MORGAN**: (finally full of orange juice) Okay … that's enough orange juice for now. (pause) I'm going to go try out for the wrestling team!

**MARY K**: (stunned pause) What!

**MORGAN**: And I think I'll take the bus this morning. Get your own ride. (hops onto the bus)

**RANDOM KID**: Hey, I haven't seen you on the school bus in a while.

**MORGAN**: You know too much! (blows him up with witch fire)

**EVERYONE ELSE**: (scoots away from Morgan)

**MORGAN**: Yeah, that's right! Give me my personal space! … Or else! (just to prove her point, she blasts the bus driver and puts him in a coma)

**AUTHOR #2**: Foreshadowing … foreshadowing …

**MORGAN**: Foreshadowing what?

**AUTHOR #1**: (solemnly) We've said too much already.

**MORGAN**: Okay … um, anyway … I'm almost late for tryouts!

**BREE**: Tryouts for what?

**MORGAN**: The wrestling team.

**BREE**: Why are you joining the wrestling team?

**MORGAN**: Because … I can!

**BREE**: Okay … um, well, the announcements said that they were after school.

**MORGAN**: Oh. Okay, then.

**BREE**: Why are your eyes orange?

**MORGAN**: You know too much! (blows her up with witch fire)

**ROBBIE**: Hey! You just blew up my girlfriend!

**MORGAN**: Oh, well. Jennifer Aniston is single now, isn't she?

**ROBBIE**: (immediately leaves for Hollywood)

**MORGAN**: Another good deed for me today! Anywho, it's time for class! (she skips off to Algebra 2)

**ALISA**: Aren't you in Pre-Calc?

**MORGAN**: You know too much! (blows her up with witch fire) (Alisa manages to deflect it)

**ALISA**: Hey! I actually survived!

**AUTHORS #1 and #2**: (outraged) What? How did this happen!

**ALISA**: (gets struck with a bolt of lightning) (huge anvil drops on her ashes) (they are swept up by a tornado and dumped into the deepest trench of the deepest ocean)

**AUTHOR #2**: (sighs) That's better.

**AUTHOR #1**: You know, the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean is the deepest trench of the deepest ocean.

**MORGAN**: Shut up! Let me continue with the story!

**AUTHOR #2**: (eerily) We control your destiny

**AUTHOR #1**: You're telling us to shut up?

**MORGAN**: (meekly) No?

**AUTHOR #1 and #2**: Okay, then. Onward!

**MORGAN**: Great. Now you've made me miss first period.

**LINDSEY**: (pops in with Kristin) We were just thinking of going to Hawaii. Want to come with us and skip the rest of the day?

**MORGAN**: Um … go on a trip? With you guys?

**KRISTIN**: I'll keep them in check, I promise.

**MORGAN**: Well … okay, then! Why not? (they take Kristin, Mike, and Lindsey's private jet to Hawaii) So … how did we get here in under five minutes?

**MIKE**: We took a shortcut.

**MORGAN**: Through what? A black hole?

**LINDSEY**: Actually, yes!

**MORGAN**: (sighs) (pause) Okay! Seems normal enough to me!

**LINDSEY**: (aside to Kristin and Mike) Did you guys notice that her eyes are orange?

**KRISTIN**: Yeah, and did you notice that she tried to blow up Alisa when she asked her about it?

**MORGAN**: What are you saying about me!

**MIKE**: Wouldn't _you _like to know!

**MORGAN**: (sniffs) Fine! If I'm not wanted here, I'll just go back to New York on my own! (pause) How do I get back?

**MIKE**: You could swim.

**MORGAN**: (not seeing a problem with that) Okay! (she dives into the ocean and takes off swimming)

**KRISTIN**: (sighs) Lindsey, we should have someone help her. Uncle Ciaran wouldn't be happy if we let her die. He still has big plans for her.

**LINDSEY**: (sighs) Fine! (snaps her fingers and starts yapping in shark-speak) (Translation: Maurice! We have a job for you!)

**MAURICE**: (yaps back in shark-speak) (takes off after Morgan)

**MORGAN**: (having reached the Panama Canal) I'm tired! (she turns around and starts to swim back) (she bumps into Maurice in the water) Ack! A shark!

**MAURICE**: (swallows her) (swims to New York) (spits her out on the beach)

**MORGAN**: Wow! I sure am glad I managed to escape from that one!

**MAURICE**: (says something indignant in shark-speak and swims off in a huff)

**MORGAN**: (looks at her watch) Oh, my gosh! I'm almost late for wrestling tryouts! (she runs to the school and just barely makes it) I'm here to try out for wrestling!

**LINDSEY**: Hey, Morgan! Are you here to try out for wrestling?

**MORGAN**: (confused) But … but … you were just in Hawaii! And I … and the shark … and … and … my brain hurts!

**LINDSEY**: Oh, yeah, about the shark … that was Maurice and you hurt his feelings! (whispers something to the wrestling coach)

**COACH**: Morgan, you'll be paired with Lindsey for tryouts.

**MORGAN**: Oh, no.

**LINDSEY**: (grins evilly) Uncle Ciaran just told us not to kill you or anything. He didn't say we couldn't kick your ass in wrestling!

**MORGAN**: (gives a squeal and runs away in fear) (Lindsey chases after her and kicks her ass) Wrestling isn't fun!

**LINDSEY**: Yes, it is!

**MORGAN**: Feel the wrath of the orange juice! (sprays orange juice out of the palms of her hands at Lindsey)

**LINDSEY**: (gets mad and sics the squirrels on her)

**MORGAN**: No! Squirrels! (runs away to Hunter's house for safety)

**(Scene: Hunter's house. Morgan walks in to see Hunter running around the house in a football outfit.)**

**HUNTER**: I'm going to try out for the football team!

**MORGAN**: What about me? Am I not important to you?

**HUNTER**: Well, I have to establish popularity somehow. Since you're not a cheerleader, I have to become popular somehow.

**MORGAN**: YOU DON'T EVEN GO TO MY SCHOOL!

**HUNTER**: That can be remedied. I never finished high school, so …

**MORGAN**: What? I'm dating a dropout?

**HUNTER**: Why are you eyes orange?

**MORGAN**: You know too much! (knocks him out with orange witch fire)

**HUNTER**: (keels over, unconscious)

**SKY**: Now what did you do that for? There are orange juice stains on the carpet!

**MORGAN**: Orange juice owns your soul! (runs off, laughing like a maniac)

**AUTHOR #1**: Wow, this doesn't make any sense at all.

**AUTHOR #2**: Does it ever?

**AUTHOR #1**: (sighs in consent) Yeah. Let's skip ahead to later that night, where Morgan finds herself in a strange state …

**(Scene: Morgan's house. She is sleepwalking. She goes to Mary K's room.)**

**MARY K**: (wakes up) Morgan, get out of my room!

**MORGAN**: (drools)

**MARY K**: Oh, right … you had orange juice this morning. I almost forgot … but that article in the paper about the grocery store being robbed of orange juice and nothing else reminded me. You're lucky Mom and Dad didn't see it. You would have been put in that correctional facility again.

**MORGAN**: (still asleep) (throws Mary K out the window)

**MARY K**: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah – (splat)

**MORGAN**: Must … eat … muffins … (goes down to the kitchen) (eats the telephone, thinking it's a muffin) (she sleepwalks over to Hunter's house in search of more muffins) Muffins … (she grabs the tray of brownies on the counter and walks around the house, eating them out of the tray)

**HUNTER & SKY**: (walk downstairs to find Morgan in their kitchen eating their brownies)

**SKY**: My brownies! Morgan, what are you doing here?

**MORGAN**: Mrumph.

**HUNTER**: Is that some foreign dialect? (tries to take the brownies away) Morgan, you know these aren't good for you.

**MORGAN**: (blows him up with witch fire) MY MUFFINS!

**SKY**: Morgan, these aren't muffins. They're brownies.

**MORGAN**: MINE! (levitates the tray of brownies in the air)

**SKY**: I didn't know you could levitate stuff.

**MORGAN**: Mrumph.

**SKY**: What does that mean?

**MORGAN**: Mrumph.

**SKY**: You're getting really annoying, you know.

**MORGAN**: Mrumph.

**LINDSEY**: (pops in and steals the brownies) (pops back out)

**SKY**: (sighs) Whatever.

**MORGAN**: (suddenly awake) What's going on? What am I doing here? Have you kidnapped me! Well … I need orange juice if I'm going to be kidnapped. (steals their orange juice and runs out the door) Ha! I'm free! (runs into a parked car)

**SKY**: (sighs and goes back to bed)

**HUNTER**: (suddenly alive again)

**AUTHOR #2**: Wait, why is he alive again? I liked him dead!

**AUTHOR #1**: Oh, fine. (Hunter dies again)

**HUNTER**: This doesn't seem fair. (falls over)

**MORGAN**: (yelling from outside) Give me more orange juice!

**AUTHOR #2**: No! You've had enough today!

**MORGAN**: (starts to cry) You're mean!

**AUTHOR #2**: It's all part of my charm.

**AUTHOR #1**: (to Author #2) This is getting too weird for me. Let's just kill her off and write another story.

**AUTHOR #2**: Fine by me!

**MORGAN**: Wait! What! (dies)

**SMILE! YOUR GOVERNMENT IS WATCHING.**

**HUNTER**: (hysterically) Lies! They're all lies!

**EVERYONE ELSE**: … What?

**LINDSEY**: (starts laughing hysterically)

**HUNTER**: Lies! They're all lies!

**Beware you must. Warned you have been.**


	16. Hunter's Neighbor Totoro

**Disclaimer**: We love Totoro! Yup, that's about it. Don't own _Sweep_ or _Totoro_. As if that wasn't obvious. To warn anyone who hasn't seen the Japanese movie _My Neighbor Totoro_, this won't make much sense, but does anything we write make sense? Nooo … oh, and by the way, the story is really fun if you think of everyone as anime characters. If you want to know more about Totoro, visit www dot Totoro dot org. Sorry, it doesn't let me post web addresses. Anyhoo, read and review if we haven't scared you away!

**Hunter's Neighbor Totoro**

**(Scene: Hunter's house. Hunter is outside planting acorns in the ground.)**

**HUNTER**: Choo-choo! Chug a chug a chug! (Sky pokes her head out of an upstairs window)

**SKY**: Hunter, I told you to be quiet! I can't work if you're being so loud out there! (Hunter looks confused)

**HUNTER**: What are you working on?

**SKY**: Tax returns.

**HUNTER**: What are those?

**SKY**: (sighs) What are you even doing?

**HUNTER**: I'm planting acorns.

**SKY**: Why are you making train noises?

**HUNTER**: I like trains. And cat buses.

**SKY**: I should have never gotten you that picture book.

(she disappears again. Hunter hums to himself)

**HUNTER**: Doo doo doo doo doo doo … doo doo doo doo doo doo … (pause) Wait, what am I singing? I don't know, but it sounds cool!

**MORGAN**: Hey, Hunter, what's up?

**HUNTER**: I'm planting acorns! Want to help?

**MORGAN**: (pause) Not really.

**HUNTER**: Oh. So what do you want to do?

**MORGAN**: I don't know. Want to see a movie?

**HUNTER**: Ug, no. Movies are for kids. You want to see something _really _cool?

**MORGAN**: What?

**HUNTER**: My picture book! (pulls out a picture book) It has dust bunnies and totoros in it!

**MORGAN**: Dust bunnies and who whats?

**HUNTER**: Totoros! They're big and fuzzy and nice and they have spinny tops and they fly on trees and they have cat buses and they like acorns and they visit bus stops when it's raining and they plant trees and make them grow really, really big … and … and … (coughs and trails off uncomfortably)

**MORGAN**: I'm going home.

**HUNTER**: But, Morgan, wait! (Morgan leaves) I'll prove you wrong! Totoros are real! (sniffs) They _are _real.

**(Scene: Hunter's house later at night. He is tired from searching all day for Totoro and has fallen asleep in bed with his Totoro stuffed animal.)**

**HUNTER**: (murmuring in his sleep) Totoro … wait, I want to play with you … we can go flying on the spinning top … (he wakes up suddenly as he hears a noise outside) Wait … (he looks out his window and sees a Totoro in the backyard, hopping up and down over his acorn garden) TOTORO! (gives a squeal and jumps out of bed, tangling himself in the bedsheets and falling flat on his face) Ouch. (he jumps out of the window and lands in Sky's rosebush) Ow …

**TOTORO**: (helps him up with his fuzziness) (A/N: We love Totoro!)

**HUNTER**: (too awed to speak) (eyes widen) Are … are you Totoro?

**TOTORO**: (blinks) (roars)

**HUNTER**: (pause) Yay! Totoro! It is you! (Totoro roars again) (Hunter yells)

**SKY**: (from upstairs) HUNTER, SHUT UP!

**HUNTER**: Sorry, Sky. Totoro is out here! Come see him! (a flowerpot comes flying out of the window at Hunter's head. Sky goes back to bed. Totoro catches the flowerpot and sets it on the ground. It begins to spin) Ooh, can we go flying?

**TOTORO**: (roars)

**CHIBI TOTORO / CHU TOTORO**: (grab onto his tummy)

**HUNTER**: (gives a squeal of happiness and grabs onto his tummy too)

(Totoro jumps onto the spinning flowerpot and they zoom away past the trees)

**HUNTER**: This is so much better than flying on an airplane!

**(Scene: Morgan's house at night. She is lying in bed awake because she feels so guilty about being mean to Hunter.)**

**MORGAN**: I feel so guilty about being mean to Hunter! I should make it up to him somehow. (she walks down to the kitchen and rummages through the refrigerator) Well, the only thing we have is this ear of corn. (examines it) Yes, this will do just fine.

(she picks up the corn and leaves. Unfortunately, she forgets the way to Hunter's house and wanders around town aimlessly)

**(Scene: a treetop in a forest. Hunter, Totoro, and the mini-Totoros are playing magical musical flutes.) **

**HUNTER**: Once more, with feeling! (they keep playing into the wee hours of the morning)

**(Scene: a street in Widow's Vale at seven in the morning. Morgan is walking down it with the corn. She goes into a 24-hour convenience store.)**

**MORGAN**: Do you know the way to Hunter's house?

**CLERK**: Um … who's Hunter?

**MORGAN**: My boyfriend.

**CLERK**: Who are you?

**MORGAN**: I'm Morgan. Who are you?

**CLERK**: Look, do you want our money? Because store policy is –

**MORGAN**: You're no help. (blows up the clerk with witch fire and walks out, still clutching her ear of corn)

**(Scene: Hunter's house the next morning. He hops excitedly into the kitchen, where Sky is making tea.)**

**HUNTER**: Oh, my Goddess, Sky! You will not _believe _what happened to me last night!

**SKY**: You woke me up.

**HUNTER**: Well, yes, but something else happened, too! Something _amazing_!

**SKY**: (deadpan) Oh, I care so much.

**HUNTER**: (excitedly) I saw Totoro!

(pause)

**SKY**: I'm going back to bed.

(she leaves. Hunter looks depressed)

**HUNTER**: It really happened … didn't it?

(he spends the rest of the day in careful pondering of the previous night's events.)

**AUTHOR #2**: Wow, he's actually thinking.

**AUTHOR #1**: Sometimes I feel bad for the guy.

**AUTHOR #2**: _WHY?_

**AUTHOR #1:** I don't know. We just make fun of him a lot.

**AUTHOR #2:** That's true.

**AUTHOR #1:** Hey, let's go. Hey, let's go.

**AUTHOR #2:** I'm happy as can be.

**AUTHOR #1:** Let's go walking, you and me!

**AUTHOR #2:** Ready, set, come on, let's go!

(they go walking)

(Hunter waits in bed eagerly, staring out the window for Totoro. Totoro doesn't come that night. Hunter stays up all night waiting … alone …)

**HUNTER**: I don't understand it! Where could he be?

**SKY**: Maybe the whole thing was a figment of your imagination.

**HUNTER**: Or maybe it wasn't! WHAT THEN?

**SKY**: All I'm saying is that maybe it was a dream.

**HUNTER**: It wasn't! When I woke up, there were acorns in my pocket!

**SKY**: You were planting them before. They're all over the house! Of course there are acorns in your pockets! There are acorns in _my _pockets!

**HUNTER**: Did you see Totoro too!

**SKY**: (smacks him upside the head and leaves)

**HUNTER**: (droops sadly)

(later that evening, he is sitting sadly in the backyard, waiting for Totoro to come back. Suddenly, a noise sounds from far away. Hunter looks up eagerly. He hears a sort of meowing noise and, a second later, a cat shaped like a bus appears. Lindsey and Kristin step out of it)

**HUNTER**: (faints)

**LINDSEY**: Ennervate. (Hunter wakes up)

**HUNTER**: What are you guys doing here? And … in that thing?

**KRISTIN**: This is Totoro's bus. We came looking for you.

**HUNTER**: You know Totoro!

**LINDSEY**: Of course we know Totoro. He's one of our best friends. But we've got bad news, Hunter. He's been kidnapped.

**HUNTER**: _What_? Who would want to kidnap Totoro?

**KRISTIN**: An evil scientist? Some crazed psychopath? Aliens? Karl Rove? Who knows? All I know is that he's missing and we can't find him anywhere! We need your help.

**HUNTER**: Why me?

**LINDSEY**: You're the only other one who can see him. You have to be young to be able to see him.

**HUNTER**: But I'm eighteen.

**LINDSEY**: (amends) Or be young at heart. Us, we're just special.

**KRISTIN**: True, true.

**HUNTER**: All right. Let's go find Totoro!

(they hop inside the cat bus and plop down on the fuzzy seats)

**CAT BUS**: Next stop: Totoro! (meows and takes off)

**(Scene: a park in Widow's Vale. Morgan still has her ear of corn.)**

**MORGAN**: (to a random person) Have you seen Hunter?

**PERSON**: No.

**MORGAN**: (to another random person) Do you know Hunter?

**OTHER PERSON**: Who's Hunter?

**MORGAN**: (starts to cry) Hunter, where are you? I can't remember where you live! It must have been that bad soup I ate the other day …

**(Scene: the cat bus. It arrives on a deserted island after skipping like a stone across the Pacific Ocean.)**

**HUNTER**: Where are we?

**LINDSEY**: The island of Umpapa-Maomao. This is where the ransom note was addressed from.

**HUNTER**: There was a ransom note? Let me see it. (Lindsey hands him the paper) "Come to the island of Umpapa-Maomao. Bring the dork who works for the council. If you want to see Totoro alive again, also bring ten pounds Starbursts. I will be waiting. – Cal." (Hunter does a double take) CAL?

**KRISTIN**: We have reason to believe that he is holding Totoro hostage.

**HUNTER**: But he's dead!

**LINDSEY**: That's never stopped anybody before.

**KRISTIN**: Haven't you seen _any _horror films? The ghosts always come back in the sequel and take their vengeance!

**HUNTER**: Oh. Well, how do we rescue Totoro if we can't defeat the villain?

**KRISTIN**: Bargain?

**LINDSEY**: I like barter economies! They work much better than money. Considering … I never … have any … Anyway …

**KRISTIN**: Let's move into attack position! (they run off, leaving Hunter alone)

**HUNTER**: But … but what do I do? (silence) (Hunter is alone) I'm scared! What am I supposed to do?

(Lindsey and Kristin grab Hunter from behind and shove him to the front door of Cal's secret lair, which says "Cal's Secret Lair" on the door)

**HUNTER**: Why is it shaped like a bunny rabbit?

(they use Hunter as a battering ram to break down the front door)

**CAL**: Hunter!

**HUNTER**: Cal!

(they exchange mean looks)

**KRISTIN**: Look! It's Totoro! (he is trapped in a cage. He roars)

**LINDSEY**: Don't worry, buddy, we'll get you out of this.

**CAL**: Did you bring the Starbursts?

**LINDSEY**: You fiend! We'll never give you Starbursts! (they go ninja on the cage and free Totoro)

**CAL**: They don't make those like they used to.

**KRISTIN**: You'd better never bother us again, Cal. Otherwise … we'll tell your MOMMY!

**CAL**: No! Please don't tell her! She didn't want me to leave the netherworld in the first place! She wants to take over that world first before trying again on earth!

**SELENE**: (gives ghostly bellow) CAL, THAT WAS A SECRET!

**CAL**: Oops. (disappears)

**LINDSEY**: That was strangely easy. Let's just get home. (they go outside to see that the cat bus has disappeared) I wonder where it went.

**KRISTIN**: I heard it say something about "Next stop: PETsMART."

**HUNTER**: (receives a witch message from Sky)

**SKY**: Hunter, everyone is worried sick! We can't find Morgan anywhere! She disappeared sometime a few days ago! We don't know where she is!

**HUNTER**: Oh, no! What will I do?

**TOTORO**: (roars)

(the cat bus appears again. Hunter gets on it)

**CAT BUS**: Next stop: stupid girlfriend! (the others get on and the bus heads back to New York)

**HUNTER**: Wait, I've been wondering: can other people see the bus?

**LINDSEY**: Nope. It's our own special invisible transport.

**KRISTIN**: Of course, they can see us.

**HUNTER**: Huh. That must look really weird.

**RANDOM TOWNSPEOPLE IN IOWA**: (stare as three sitting people zoom by suspended in the air)

**FARMER BOB**: I gotta get me another drink.

**RANDOM TOWNSPEOPLE IN MICHIGAN**: (stare as three sitting people zoom by suspended in the air)

**MARY SUE**: Are we seeing things?

**BILL GEORGE**: At least we're not Ohio.

(they finally find Morgan in New Jersey)

**MORGAN**: Hunter! Um … what are you doing? (Hunter is still in the cat bus. To Morgan, it appears that he is suspended in midair in a sitting position)

**HUNTER**: Oh, yeah, the bus. (he gets off and walks around the bus, or, to Morgan, seemingly empty space) I'm so glad I found you!

**MORGAN**: I forgot where you lived. I wanted to apologize to you, so I brought you this corn. (holds it out)

**HUNTER**: Mmm, I love corn! (eats it in one bite) (gets food poisoning from the rotten corn and dies)

**MORGAN**: Wait! Why did he die?

**KRISTIN**: You were wandering around in the hot sun with an ear of corn for three days. Of course the corn went rotten.

**MORGAN**: Well, that's depressing. So what are you guys sitting on?

**KRISTIN / LINDSEY**: (exchange looks)

**TOTORO**: (roars)

(they take off, leaving Morgan alone)

**MORGAN**: This seems to happen to me a lot. Wait, where am I? … Crap.

**LINDSEY**: (singing) Totoro, Totoro … Totoro, Totoro …

**KRISTIN**: (singing) You only see him when you're very young. A magical adventure for you … it's magic for you!

**TONARI NO TOTORO**

**A/N**: Sorry for the weirdness of this story. Like we said, if you've never seen _My Neighbor Totoro_, it won't make much sense to you. By the way, go see that movie! It's awesome! Totoro rocks our socks! Remember: Love. Cookies. Friends. Totoro.

"**Your overconfidence is your weakness."**

**- Luke Skywalker**

"**Your faith in your pants is yours."**

**- Emperor Palpatine**


	17. A Very Strange Thanksgiving

**Disclaimer**: We didn't feel like waiting until November to write a Sweep parody about Thanksgiving. The idea was too funny. You'll see what we mean.

**A VERY STRANGE THANKSGIVING**

**(Scene: the Rowlands house. They are preparing for Thanksgiving dinner.)**

**MORGAN**: (singing) Deck the turkey with lots of stuffing! Fa la la la la la, la la la la! (Mary K gives her a weird look) I'll be quiet.

**MRS**. **ROWLANDS**: Morgan, can you stop being so hyper? We have to prepare the house for all of our company that's coming over!

**MORGAN**: Who's coming over?

**MARY K**: Only all of our extended family.

**MORGAN**: Oh. (quietly) I hope that doesn't apply to _my _extended family.

**MR. ROWLANDS**: What did you say, sweetie?

**MORGAN**: Um, nothing?

(A/N: why do all of them start with M's? It's crazy …)

**HUNTER**: I don't start with M!

**MORGAN**: Hunter, what are you doing here?

**HUNTER**: I like decorating!

**MORGAN**: Don't start on that. Get out of here.

**HUNTER**: (runs off crying)

**WRITER #2**: (laughs)

**MORGAN**: (stares at the ceiling) Did anyone else just hear a disembodied laugh?

**MARY K**: No. Maybe you need to take a vacation, Morgan.

**MORGAN**: No! Not another vacation! Our cruise ship would probably crash again.

**MRS**. **ROWLANDS**: What do you mean, again? Are you okay, honey? WHAT HAPPENED? TELL ME!

**MORGAN**: Um, nothing. Nothing happened. I was kidding. Yeah. Kidding.

(the doorbell rings)

**MR. ROWLANDS**: They're not supposed to be here this early.

**MRS**. **ROWLANDS**: I'll get it. (she goes to the door and opens it)

**MORGAN**: (freaking out) KILLIAN? CIARAN?

**KILLIAN**: Hey, little sis! We've come to spread the Thanksgiving joy!

**MRS**. **ROWLANDS**: Who are you? What are you doing here? HOW DO YOU KNOW MORGAN? HOW? TELL ME!

**MORGAN**: Mom, you're kind of acting psycho. Let me handle this. (pause) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? TELL ME!

**CIARAN**: We just wanted to wish you a happy Thanksgiving, daughter of mine.

**MR**. **ROWLANDS**: 'Daughter of yours?'

**CIARAN**: Of course. Morgan is my biological daughter.

(a moment of stunned silence meets this announcement)

**MR. ROWLANDS**: Nuh-uh.

**CIARAN**: Yuh-huh!

**MRS. ROWLANDS**: Nuh-uh!

**CIARAN**: Yuh-huh!

**MR**. **ROWLANDS**: Nuh-uh!

**CIARAN**: (with crackly witch fire) Yuh-huh!

**THE ROWLANDS FAMILY**: (cowers back)

**MORGAN**: Stop that! It's true, Mom and Dad, he is my real father.

**CIARAN**: Morgan … I am your father!

**MORGAN**: Thank you for repeating me. But, yeah, it's true. And this is my half-brother, Killian.

**KILLIAN**: Hi.

(awkward silence ensues)

**WRITER #1**: 'Awkward' is an awkward word.

**WRITER #2**: Shut up and write.

**WRITER #1**: Fine, fine.

(pause)

**MORGAN**: So what are you guys doing here?

**KILLIAN**: I'll give you a clue: it rhymes with Manksgiving Minner.

**CIARAN**: And also with Banksgiving Binner.

**MORGAN**: (stares stupidly at them) Um … I don't understand.

**MARY K**: Would you like to stay for Thanksgiving Dinner?

**CIARAN**: I'll have to check my calendar.

**KILLIAN**: But, since we're here, why not?

(they both skip off to help set the table)

(Morgan stares after them, still unable to speak)

**MORGAN**: What just happened?

**MARY K**: I made a friendly offer.

**MORGAN**: But they're weird! I don't want them here! They'll ruin our Thanksgiving dinner and freak out all of our relatives!

**MARY K**: But Killian is so hot! And you already freak all of them out. They're used to it by now. (Morgan starts to cry) Geez, don't cry. I was just kidding. (pause) Sort of.

**MRS**. **ROWLANDS**: Morgan, I'd really prefer it if your witch relatives didn't have dinner with us.

**MORGAN**: So would I!

**MARY K**: Wait, they're witches? How'd you know they were witches?

**MRS**.** ROWLANDS**: That Ciaran fellow was wearing a shirt that said "I'm a Witch."

**MR**. **ROWLANDS**: That's probably just some silly fad.

**MRS**. **ROWLANDS**: And Killian was wearing one that said "I'm a hot Irish witch."

**MR. ROWLANDS**: Oh, that settles it. They're out of here.

**MARY K**: No! Not the hot Irishman! (starts to hum an Irish drinking song and skips off to the kitchen)

**MORGAN**: (singing) It's the circle of life!

**KILLIAN**: Morgan, stop singing and help us with the cooking! (Morgan goes into the kitchen to see Killian and Ciaran wearing aprons and chef hats)

**MORGAN**: (stares)

**MRS. ROWLANDS**: Where did you get those outfits?

**KILLIAN**: Um … internet?

**MORGAN**: Okay. Works for me. (the doorbell rings again) That had better not be who I think it is. (she answers the doorbell and it's an insurance salesman)

**INSURANCE SALESMAN**: Would you like to buy a quality life insurance policy?

**MORGAN**: Not really. But I love you!

**INSURANCE SALESMAN**: (pause) Um, what?

**MORGAN**: You're not who I thought you were. You're so much better! (hugs him and sends him on his merry way) At least that wasn't – (the boarded-up fireplace suddenly explodes)

**LINDSEY**: To bring the world to devastation!

**KRISTIN**: To destroy all covens within our nation!

**LINDSEY**: To denounce the evils of truth and love!

**KRISTIN**: To extend our reach to the Goddess above!

**LINDSEY**: Lindsey!

**KRISTIN**: Kristin!

**LINDSEY / KRISTIN**: Coven Amyranth blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now or prepare … to eat!

**MIKE**: That's right.

(silence)

**MORGAN**: I hate it when you guys do that.

**MIKE**: Sorry. We wanted to make an entrance.

**MR**. **ROWLANDS**: (faints)

**MRS. ROWLANDS**: MY CARPET! THERE'S SOOT ALL OVER IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHO ARE YOU? TELL ME!

**MORGAN**: They're my cousins.

**MARY K**: These aren't our cousins.

**MORGAN**: No, my real cousins. They're kind of crazy.

**LINDSEY**: Hey!

**KRISTIN**: (stares at imaginary birds flying around) Ooh, pretty birds! (starts to chase them)

**MIKE**: I thought she was the sane one.

**LINDSEY**: She hasn't been quite normal since that vacation she took to Texas. I think those cowboys did something to her.

**KRISTIN**: Git-r-done, y'all!

**MORGAN**: Um, okay.

**LINDSEY**: Hakuna Matata!

**MARY K**: Did she go to Texas, too?

**MORGAN**: No, she's always like that.

**LINDSEY**: (laughs evilly)

**REST OF THE FAMILY**: (runs and hides in the kitchen)

**KILLIAN**: Hey! Mary K, you're sitting in the mashed potatoes!

**LINDSEY**: Anyway, we brought you a Thanksgiving gift.

**MORGAN**: Ooh, a gift? I want! I want!

**KRISTIN**: (hands her a small bag) It's very powerful, so be careful. (Morgan opens it to reveal a small pouch of dust) It's time-traveling dust. I figured you could use it for a history report or something.

**MORGAN**: Or … I could use it to go back in time and take over the world at the time of the Pilgrims with my advanced technology!

**KRISTIN**: (pause) Or, yeah, I guess you could do that.

**MORGAN**: So how does it work?

**LINDSEY**: It's like floo powder. Put it in the fireplace, say when and where you're going, and POOF!

**MORGAN**: (tosses a bit in the fireplace) Um … Plymouth Rock, Pilgrim Time! (she jumps into the fireplace and lands on a rock in the middle of Massachusetts) Whoa, what a different world.

**PILGRIM**: She's a witch! Witch! Witch!

**MORGAN**: How could you tell?

**PILGRIM**: Your shirt says "I'm a Witch."

**MORGAN**: (sighs) Ciaran just _had _to get us matching shirts, didn't he? (magickally changes her shirt) See? I'm not a witch!

**PILGRIM**: All right. Who art thou?

**MORGAN**: I art Morgan.

**PILGRIM**: (stares at her)

**MORGAN**: (stares back)

**PILGRIM**: Willst thou join our Thanksgiving feast?

**MORGAN**: I think I willst! (they walk to the campsite, where a huge feast is set up) Wow, look at all that food. (her intense hunger makes her eyes go evil red) FOOOD! GIVE TO ME NOW! (eats all of their food)

**PILGRIMS**: Witch! Witch! Witch!

**MORGAN**: (mouth full) Oh, did you want something?

**(Scene: the Rowlands house, present time. The family has sat down for dinner without Morgan.)**

**MORGAN**: Hey!

**WRITER #1**: You're not even here!

**WRITER #2**: Be gone!

**MORGAN**: Fine.

**MARY K**: So, Killian, how did you meet Morgan?

**KILLIAN**: (takes a deep breath) Well, I first met Morgan on a weekend trip to New York City. She was in a club with some of her friends and I was there and I started flirting with one of her friends and then I met her and we later realized that we had a father in common and so I came to New York to help her stop his evil plot to take over the world but that obviously didn't work because he came back and tried to send a dark wave against Widow's Vale because Morgan wouldn't join him in his evil plot to take over the world but then all ended well with a ceasefire agreed to over a warm bowl of soup.

(silence)

**MRS. ROWLANDS**: She was in a club?

**KILLIAN**: That's really the part of the above story that scares you?

**MARY K**: So, um, Ciaran, are you still trying to take over the world?

**CIARAN**: Yes.

**MR. ROWLANDS**: That's not very christian of you.

**CIARAN**: (blinks) Um … no, I guess it's not. (sarcastically) Shame on me!

**MARY K**: That's nice. So, Mike, tell me about yourself.

**MIKE**: My name is Mike. I am dark. I enjoy the dark. My sisters Lindsey and Kristin are also dark. Together, we enjoy the dark very much. We have a huge mansion in the ghetto of LA which we don't pay much lighting bills on because we enjoy the dark. I was once put in the state mental institution, but I broke out because it wasn't dark enough. Everything was white and light and I didn't like it. They tried to tell me that I was just delusional and crazy, but I knew. I knew. And when they came, I was prepared.

**MARY K**: When who came?

**MIKE**: (shifty eyes)

**KRISTIN**: That's confidential. Top-secret. Government stuff. Sorry.

**MARY K**: You work for the government?

**KRISTIN**: We work for our own government.

**MARY K**: Are you guys really witches? If so, I don't like you.

**LINDSEY:** Does it look like we're really witches?

**MARY K:** (examines their pointed black hats and capes) Um, no. I guess not.

**MORGAN:** (suddenly appears in the fireplace) I'm back!

(pause)

**KRISTIN**: I guess her plot to take over the world was unsuccessful.

**MORGAN**: Those pilgrims are party-poopers anyway. So, what's for dinner?

**LINDSEY**: Turkey?

**MORGAN**: Yay! Turkey! (turns Mary K into a turkey)

**MARY K**: Gobble.

**MR**. / **MRS. ROWLANDS**: (stare) MORGAN, WHAT DID YOU DO?

**MORGAN**: I like turkeys.

**MIKE**: Morgan, you'd better change her back before – (the turkey runs out of the door) Crap.

(they begin a desperate chase around the city for the turkey)

(Morgan, unable to find her anywhere, goes to Hunter's house)

**MORGAN**: Hunter, Hunter, are you here? (she bangs on the door)

(Sky opens the door)

**SKY**: Oh, hi, Morgan! Nice of you to drop by. See you later! (she tries to close the door, but Morgan stuffs her foot in it)

**MORGAN**: Wait, I need to talk to Hunter! Is he here?

**SKY**: He's, um … he's busy at the moment.

**MORGAN**: Busy? What's going on here?

(she pushes past Sky to see that the entire coven is having Thanksgiving dinner)

**MORGAN**: (stunned silence) What? You're all here? Why wasn't I invited?

**BREE**: Well, the last time we all had Thanksgiving dinner together, you tried to go back in time and take over the world.

**MORGAN**: I know. I did that this year, too.

**ROBBIE**: You really don't learn your lesson, do you? Those pilgrims are dangerous!

**ALISA**: Anyway, we didn't want you to come because we knew you'd do something weird and ruin our Thanksgiving.

**MORGAN**: (gets angry and turns Alisa into a turkey) Haha! Now you can't insult me!

**HUNTER**: See? See? That's the kind of thing we thought you would do!

**MORGAN**: Um … (sighs) Fine. You caught me. But I need your help. I … um … sort of … kind of … accidentally … maybe … turned my sister into a bird. A turkey, more specifically.

**SKY**: (watches as Alisa gobbles her way out of the door) You mean, now there are two preteen turkeys running around Widow's Vale?

**MORGAN**: Um, yes.

**HUNTER**: (sighs) What does this Mary-K-Turkey look like?

**MORGAN**: Like a turkey. Can you help me find her?

**ROBBIE**: Um … I think I found her. (their Thanksgiving turkey is wearing an ankle bracelet and is wrapped around a Bible)

**SKY**: Strange, I didn't notice that when I put it in the oven.

**HUNTER**: You mean we just … oh, ew.

**KRISTIN**: I think I have a solution.

**HUNTER**: What are you doing here?

**LINDSEY**: We know of a spell that just might help get Mary K back. Unfortunately, it will mean sacrificing Alisa, but that's not much of a loss, is it?

**SKY**: Let's see … hardcore Catholic girl or potentially powerful Wiccan … (Morgan glares at her) Okay, we'll go with the Catholic girl.

**KRISTIN**: Good choice. (she and Lindsey do a spell and manage to switch Mary K's spirit into the Alisa turkey and Alisa's spirit into the Mary K turkey)

**MARY K'S SPITIT IN ALISA TURKEY**: Gobble.

**MORGAN**: Great! Now can you fix her?

**LINDSEY**: Hey, that was all the help we could give. You have to figure out a way to get her back to normal.

**BREE**: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!

**MORGAN**: Yes, Bree?

**BREE**: If we get the Mary K turkey to think like Mary K, maybe she'll turn back into Mary K.

**HUNTER**: How could we do that?

**MORGAN**: Well, Mary K's favorite activity is shopping.

**SKY**: (quickly) I volunteer to go to the mall!

**BREE**: Me, too!

(all of the girls except Morgan volunteer to shop)

**HUNTER**: Hey, I want to come, too! (receives stares) What? I like shopping! It makes me feel all fuzzy inside! Like Chewbacca! (giggles) Chewwwiiiieee! (roars like Chewbacca)

(all stare at him)

**SKY**: Fine, you can come, too. Just never do that again.

(they all rush off to the mall)

(upon entering the mall, they ditch Hunter inside the candy emporium)

**HUNTER**: Hey! Hey, where did you guys go? I can't find – ooh, lollipops!

(the others go to THE Gap)

**SKY**: This seems like a good place.

**BREE**: Yes. Yes, yes, yes. (they rush off to shop)

**MORGAN**: Okay, so … Mary K, do you feel like yourself again?

**MARY K**: Gobble.

**MORGAN**: I guess not. Well, if shopping doesn't make you feel like yourself, then what will? (realizes) Oh, no.

**BREE**: What?

**MORGAN**: Her second favorite thing … is church.

**SKY**: Nooo!

**BREE**: Even more nooo!

**MORGAN**: I guess we all have to go. We only have one car.

**SKY**: I've never been to a church before.

**MORGAN**: You are so lucky. Come on, Mary K, we're going to church. (Mary K Turkey perks up)

**MARY K**: Gobble!

(they drive to the church)

**SKY**: I'm afraid to get out of the car.

**MARY K**: (waddles into the church)

**MORGAN**: (runs after her)

(Morgan runs into the church to find the priest and nuns eating the Mary K Turkey)

**PRIEST**: It's a free Thanksgiving turkey! Praise God!

**MORGAN**: (cries)

**BREE**: Well, that was mean. You made her cry.

**PRIEST**: I didn't mean to.

**SKY**: You ate her sister! Wouldn't you think that would make her cry?

**PRIEST**: But I –

**RAVEN**: GET HIM!

**BREE**: Feel the wrath of the witches!

**PRIEST / NUNS**: Witches? Aah! (they all run away and the coven gives chase)

**PRIEST**: Back off! We have crosses!

**SKY**: It's vampires who don't like crosses. Idiots.

**PRIEST**: Oh.

**NUN**: This isn't pleasant. So … much … unpleasantness! Ack!

**PRIEST**: What's that in the sky?

**MORGAN**: It's a bird!

**SKY**: It's a plane!

**NUN**: No, it's … THE SUPER-PRIESTS SQUAD!

(following a dramatic drum roll, hundreds of priests parachute out of the sky and surround the coven)

**MORGAN**: Crap.

**SUPER-PRIEST**: You … (he points to Morgan) WITCH! YOU WILL BURN!

**MORGAN**: Nooo! I have sensitive skin!

**NUN**: Then repent and give up your evil ways!

**SKY**: Never!

**MORGAN**: Being a witch is too fun!

**BREE**: I love casting spells!

**RAVEN**: I love being a lesbian!

**PRIEST**: (gasps)

(The priests advance as something else comes towards them from the sky)

**PRIEST: **Is that a moon?

**SUPPER-PRIEST: **That's no moon … It's a melon.

**ALL PRIESTS/ NUNS:** THE DEATH MELON!

**LINDSEY:** DIE!

(she and Kristin rescue the coven from the evil clutches of the Super-Priests Squad from atop THE DEATH MELON)

**MORGAN**: Boy, thank goodness you guys were there! But … (sniffs) We lost Mary K.

**KRISTIN**: These things all happen for a reason. It's the circle of life.

**LINDSEY**: Can we sing the song?

**KRISTIN**: Sure.

(instrumentals come out of nowhere)

**EVERYONE**: (sings)

_Nants ingonyama bagithi baba  
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama  
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba  
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama  
Siyo Nqoba  
Ingonyama _

Ingonyama nengw' enamabala  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala

Ingonyama nengw' enamabala  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala

From the day we arrive on the planet  
And blinking, stepped into the sun  
There's more to see than can ever be seen  
More to do than can ever be done  
There's far too much to take in here  
More to find than can ever be found  
But the sun rolling high  
Through the sapphire sky  
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the circle of life  
And it moves us all  
Through despair and hope  
Through faith and love  
Till we find our place  
On the path unwinding  
In the circle  
The circle of life

Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se to kwa)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Asana)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se to kwa)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Asana)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se to kwa)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Asana)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se to kwa)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se to kwa)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Asana)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se to kwa)  
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Asana)

(singing very loud) _The circle of life  
And it moves us all  
Through despair and hope  
Through faith and love  
Till we find our place  
On the path unwinding  
_(even louder) _In the circle  
The circle of life_

**MORGAN**: That was really weird. But so much fun!

**LINDSEY**: Can we do it again?

**KRISTIN**: No. We're almost out of time.

**LINDSEY**: Oh. Well, I suppose you guys had better get back to your Thanksgiving dinners.

**MORGAN**: But what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving?

**LINDSEY**: We just dropped by to annoy you. We have our own Thanksgiving traditions at the mansion.

**SKY**: Like what?

**KRISTIN / LINDSEY**: (look at each other and disappear)

**RAVEN**: It's really weird when they do that.

**MORGAN**: I wonder what their traditions are. (they see a conveniently placed television)

**TV ANNOUNCER**: Every muffin in the Western world has disappeared!

**MORGAN**: Oh.

(she skips off back home)

**MORGAN**: Mom, Dad, I have a confession. I turned Mary K into a turkey. I didn't mean to, but she was just being so annoying … what with her I'm-not-a-turkeyness. I just thought she'd be so much cooler if she was a turkey. Well, anyway, then I went to Hunter's house and I discovered that he and my coven had eaten her for their Thanksgiving dinner. But then my psycho cousins did a spell to change her soul with that of Alisa, this annoying little person, and Mary K was alive again. We figured we had to get her back to normal, so we took her shopping, but that didn't work, and Bree and Sky maxed out their credit cards anyway, so we decided to go to the church and see if that would make her feel better, but then the priest and the nuns decided to eat her and then the Super-Priest Squad attacked us when we tried to rescue her and it was all just a really big mess after my cousins Lindsey and Kristin appeared in a giant melon and rescued us from the Super-Priest Squad. I'm sorry.

(she realizes that Ciaran and Killian are still there, but no one else is)

**KILLIAN**: What an interesting dialogue that was.

**MORGAN**: Where's my family?

(Killian and Ciaran exchange looks)

**CIARAN**: Now don't be mad …

(he lifts up the tablecloth to reveal that they have turned all of Morgan's family into turkeys)

**AUNT RITA**: Gobble.

**UNCLE FRED**: Gobble.

**AUNT EILEEN**: Gobble.

**COUSIN BOB**: Gobble.

**COUSIN GEORGE**: Gobble.

**COUSIN MARY**: Gobble.

**MR. ROWLANDS**: Gobble.

**MRS. ROWLANDS**: Gobble.

**MORGAN**: … Why would you do something like this? Why?

**KILLIAN**: They ask too many questions.

**MORGAN**: You've got that right. I'm going to bed. (mutters) Just one more reason why I hate Thanksgiving.

**(Scene: the candy emporium.)**

**HUNTER**: Where is everyone? It's getting dark and I'm afraid of the – ooh, marshmallows!

"**Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!"  
****-- Lando Calrissian**


End file.
